BPDFamily.com

I met my ex gf a little over 4 years ago.  I was never attracted to women (I am a woman myself).  She looked like a model and was beautiful.  I couldn't believe she was interested in me and persued me hard.  I told her from the beginning I couldn't tell my family.  She said she was fine with that and we didn't have to tell anyone.  We made a list of rules-one being we would tell no one and started a relationship.  She told me she was divorced-her ex cheated on her and told me all about her abusive childhood.  She has had it rough and I was just drawn by how remarkable she was for having survived and come out to be such a strong, smart, couragous woman.  She has kids and that was never a problem-they loved me and I loved them.

As the relationship continued her drinking increased and increased.  I also found out she was only separated and not divorced.  That detail came out a year later when she was drunk one night.  She also in the course of the year "outted" me to her family and friends without even discussing it with me first.  I would have been fine with it but I would have liked to been part of the conversation.  She just changed the rules as she pleased and then blamed me for everything that went wrong.  If she was angry at her family she wouldn't tell them because she didn't want to rock the boat but she would project all her anger on to me.  I paid for everyone's wrong doings.  She would stop drinking for a few weeks and then start again.  The first year together was good but after that it got harder and harder.  Slowly the person I thought I knew and loved was not the person in front of me.  No longer was she with sweet loving woman, she would go into rages and accuse me af cheating if I went out with my friends.  Or she would disappear for the weekends and sit at her family's house and drink all weekend.  During the summer she would break up with me and take off and then come back and tell me how much she loved me.  The pattern of her pulling me in close and then slowly pushing me out and then discarding me contnued for the next 3 years.  She always said if I just told my family about us then it would all be fine.  But I never told my family because in the pit of my stomach told me not to.  She would be little me-call me a fat ugly dyke and tell me no one would ever want me.  The verbal abuse continued and she would say oh you are always playing a victim.  But what scared me was how she could insult me one minute and then an hour later actwonder why I was upset.  She had no recollection of what she had said to me.  Or it was over and done so I was to forget it.  But her words stung and hurt my core.  We broke up a lot due to her drinking and verbal abusive but she would always come back and say it was because I kept her a secret.  I believed her for a long time.  Every summer she ran off on me across the country and I never heard from her until she got home and reality set back in because vacation was over for her.  This past summer I started therapy and as I got stronger she became more deperate.  She finally stopped drinking due to humiliating me one night and I finally walked away.  She got help and started therapy but soon ended therapy after two months.  I continued therapy and started to see myself more clearly and as I got healthier she would tell me how much she changed and that I was just standing still.  When I tried to tell her that before I moved forward with her, her behavior towards me has to change she had no idea what I was talking about.  I told her I wouldn't tell my family until her behavior changed.  By the way over the years, I did tell some of my family and all my friends know.  Well a month ago she left me again.  She texts me and tells me sheloves me and wants only me one day and then the next day I am the reason why she is so unhappy in her life.  The kicker was yesterday.  She told me she is moving into a new home and a man she has known since high school will be moving back from the city (he has a great job and is moving back to this dead beat town where there are no job?) and moving in with her and her children.  She is super excited and so are the kids.  She said she wanted all these things with me but I just didn't move fast enough.  She told me it will be happening on a certain date.  I believe it is to get me to dsay ok I will meet all your demands and we can be together.  I am not budging.  Who moves in with a guy after one date?  And with someone their children have never met?  Is she lying to get under my skin?  Is she really happy?  I wished her the best and asked her not to contact me again.  Will she leave me alone?  I know this is long but any insight would be great.  Thanks.     

Who moves in with a guy after one date when he has not even met her children?

Someone who is not well.  It isn't "normal", nor does it put one on a path to success. 

Something to remember in dealing with BPD's- Logic DOES NOT apply.  Healthy people can look at the facts and be baffled by what they see, because it DOES NOT make sense.  It just does not.  You are going to be better off as soon as you accept that.  You have done the best thing you can do for yourself by wishing her the best and moving on with your life.  I don't believe the answer is to hate BPDex's- certainly they can put you through hell and back, and hurt you in ways you have never hurt before.  But most of the time it isn't purposeful.  They do not do these things because they enjoy doing it.  It just the way they know.  It is how they survive.

No one can say if she will contact you again or not.  I wouldn't be surprised if she did, but you can't count on an answer to that question.  The important thing is to be prepared with a plan of what to do if she does. You DO NOT want to have it surprise you and drag up long buried emotions that lead you to dive head first back into a hole you have worked so hard to get out of.

Thank you for your response.  The hardest part is that I still care for her very much.  I still wish for the life we planned out together.  I am in therapy and getting stronger and better.  I have met a new guy and he is wonderful but I can't help but think about her every now and then.  I know it has only been a little over a month but I wonder if I ever meant anything to her.  How can she move on so fast?  or is it a lie to get my attention and make me run to her?  I just want her to get better and I realize that is something she has to do on her own and she doesn't even realize she has a problem.  Doesn't she notice that she doesn't have any friends.  Thant the only people she hangs out with and talks to is her family-and they are addicts.  And she shouldn't be around them since she is in recovery.  But I get that she is so afraid of being alone that she can't cut them off even for her own well being-I know i can't save her but... .   How do you get the BPD out of your head?  How do you move on?  I have a great chance to start over and I don't want to blow it.

I think what you are feeling and "wanting" from your BPDex are things that many people on these boards also want from theirs.

We all fell in love with our pwBPD's because we saw something in them.  That person we saw DOES exist.  But being with someone with BPD, it almost feels like there is a 3rd person in the relationship.  You look back and remember all the good times, the seemingly perfect times, and then are again shocked and speechless when you remember the other times, when you saw a totally contrary side to the one you loved.

You wish she would get help and get better (much as I do for mine) so that that "third" person will disappear.  You can see how the disorder throws the rest of her life into chaos and ruins what could be very good things for her, and because you love her, it hurts you to see her hurt.  This is totally normal, and I am right there with you.

You said it yourself: "I know I can't save her... . ".  There is your answer.  This is one of those awful times in life when you run out of cards to play.  I did everything I could for my dBPDex, stayed with her through all of the cheating she did, all of the BS and lies, because I thought if I continued to tweak things within the relationship, or go to extra lengths, I would hit paydirt one day and it would all fall into place.  It never happened and it isn't going to.  Dealing with her BPD IS something that ONLY she can do.  How do you get the BPD out of your head?  I don't know really.  My strategy has been to:

1)Not hate her.  Hating someone or holding a grudge takes up a lot of mind power, and as a result you spend more time thinking about them and how they wronged you.

2)Accept that NOTHING you did or could have done would affect how it turned out

3)Realize that while this pain is temporary for you, it is FOREVER for her.

4)Acknowledge that there was life before her, and life after her.  No one writes our stories but ourselves.  I know that for the longest time I COULD NOT imagine life going forward without her.  Much in the same way I never would have believed I would get so absorbed and attached to someone like I did her.  You never know what life is going to put in front of you; recognize that it would be foolish to walk away from a open door full of promise just to sit and stare at a shut one full of problems

Wow, you've been through a lot... .

It's great that you're seeking support in therapy. It's only normal to think of her every so often... . you can't just switch your feelings on and off but time heals all wounds... . this too shall pass. :) It's great that you've met a new guy who is wonderful-carpe diem!

Thannk you for all your kind words.  What makes this so difficult fo rme is that we work together.  It would be so much easier if I didn't have to see her every day but I do so it is like salt in the wound every day.  Any advice on how to handle that?  My only hope is if it is true that she is moving in with this new guy maybe she will quit.  She hates working anyways. 

Hi - and welcome.  Sorry you have to be here though 

I understand - my ex was also female (as am I).  What makes it harder in your case I think, is the secrecy re: not telling family and stuff.  Things like that make you feel that you have a special connection, a shared history that only the two of you know.

You're right - you do have a chance to start over.  I wish I knew how to advise you to do that, but I'm still muddling through it myself.  I will tell you though, that you're way stronger than you know.

This guy is taking the bullet for you - it will hurt like hell. But remind yourself - can you live like you were living, forever?  What would happen if you got seriously sick, or needed her.  Doesn't sound like she's capable of being there or supporting you... . so it's better to get it dealt with now, so you have the chance of finding your perfect, whoever that may be.  Somebody who has all her good qualities but that will treat you right and will be the partner you need and deserve.

But yes, it does hurt.  It will take you through hell and back, but I PROMISE you you will come out with a deeper understanding, and be in a better place to make a healthier relationship in the future x

Thanks Mango-

I am in therapy.  And I went to therapy to deal with how to tell my family we were a couple.  I have told my sister who fully supported us and everyone at work knew and all our friends.  So I was getting there.  But I held back on telling the rest of my family because I wasn't sure she was healthy and part of me didn't trust her-she lied about being divorced.  She was still married and said it was no big deal.  But it was a very big deal to me.  It was like if she got divorced she didn't have her ex to fall back on because he still wanted her back even though they have been separated for 7 years.  But she said it wasn't like that but it was-her ex was a safety net thats why those papers were never signed.  And I didn't like how she treated me.  The constant put downs and belittling.  Bringing me in and telling me how much she loved me and then pushing me out and throwing me away like I meant nothing.  I wasn't sure I wanted to tell anymore family if it wasn't going to last because she treated me poorly.  I didn't deserve the treatment and her response was if you just admit to me everything will be fine.  But it was so much more than that and deep down I knew it.  When she went to therapy things started to get better but when she really needed to take a good look at herself she quit therapy.  Then after Christmas my mom suffered a heart attack.  She didn't even comfort me.  She said she couldn't because she was a secret.  I told her I didn't care to come to the hospital.  I needed her.  She said no and stayed away from me the whole time my mother was sick.  She sent me texts that put me down and belittled me.  When her aunt died and her parents were arrested for drugs I sat next to her and held her hand through it all.  She was never there for me.  Why do I still love her?  When will the pain go away?  Did she even love me at all?  She tells me that the last 4 years neverexisted, we never existed.  It hurts.

*welcome*

Willtimeheal,

Welcome to this website.  please believe you are among friends.  we have all been where you are now.  we get how you feel.   we understand the hurt and confusion.

It is very difficult to understand how a person with the traits of BPD acts, because they process information much differently than you and I do.   I believe that is what made my break up so hard.  So very little of it made sense and I was tearing myself to pieces trying to make logical sense out of it.

The work shops and the links to the left of the page here, helped me understand, how the woman I loved, who was talented, bright and creative, could act in such a disordered way.  Things that puzzled me became, over time and with effort, clearer. 

You can find new ways of understanding what you have been through, understanding that will help bring you peace.  You can use the tools here to put boundaries in place that will protect you and your emotions.   

I can't speak specifically about your partner, but I know that my partner loved me desperately, that was the problem.   The intimacy, consistency, responsibility of being with me frightened and angered her and I took the brunt of those emotions.   It was a no win situation for me.   No matter what I did or didn't do, just by being there I raised her level of distress.

Put yourself first.

Babyducks

Wow - reading this really hit home, Babyducks.  I believe this to be true about my ex as well, and as I get distance, I too can start to make more sense of his behavior and not take it personally.  I am certain he loves me desperately the best that he can - it just hurts.  And like you, no matter what I do/don't do, his distorted thinking switches it into something that can explain why he feels so badly, which then makes me (or the kids) to blame. 

willtimeheal - I am sorry to hear about your situation - it sounds so familiar to many that have posted here.  I hope you find some comfort amongst so many that care and have gone through what you are facing!  I also wanted to say how difficult it would be to work with my ex - I have no words of wisdom, other than I would want to figure out a way to minimize contact as much as possible while at work.

Also - if it's only been a month since breaking up, I would give yourself some time to heal and process this loss in your life.  It's great you've met someone new - I would just caution you to take it very, very slow.

Good luck,

H4E

Good luck!

Feeling sad and weepy today. Does the pit in your stomach ever go away?  Do your arms and legs finally stop shaking and to you finally stop crying?  When does this happen?  I have been hurt and destroyed so much by my ex BPD and I know this but I still miss her and long for her. I feel like I am crazy! 

It does go away... . but not overnight, it takes some significant amount of time to dissipate.  While your waiting for it its probably best to do some self reflection to see what is was that allowed you to take this abuse, why you stood around for it, why are you letting this person make you Feel crazy?  The truth of the matter is only you can answer these questions.   I am just finishing cleaning out my own closet and seeing what kept me from leaving past when it was time for me to do so. 

Thanks.  I started reading the book Codependent no more.  I am angry with myself.  At this time last year the samething happened and I spent the summer healing and I was in a good place.  But I allowed her back in.  She went to the doctor and got help to stop drinking and started therapy.  She said lets start over and see how we do with me not drinking.  She has been sober since but stopped therapy 2 months in.  I continued therapy and as I got stronger and saw the cycle and started to stand up for myself that is when it started to go downhill.  I should have stayed away.  I knew better but I thought... . one more time maybe without the drinking things will get better.  I was a fool.  And her I sit again exactly where I was last year only more shattered and emotionally torn.  And her she is moving in with a new man after only one date! 

Love the book Codependent No More. I can see so much of myself in it. It is an eye opener and I can relate to everything in it. It is giving me strength and I am goin  to take my power back!