BPDFamily.com

My ex and I have been divorced for almost two years. He has not handled it well. I have had to keep my dating life and relationships secret as a result. We have three girls together and he constantly puts them in the middle questioning them. They are 12, 10, and 7. i have a 15 year old who I had from a previous relationship, her and her dad and I have a good relationship.  My ex was always very jealous of this. My ex and I were married 11 years, together 13- I married young (21) and our relationship was always a push/pull, very passionate, but high conflict when he didnt get his way, so this does not surprise me and I expected some of this post divorce. I work in the mental health field so I am very familiar with BPD, my ex is a licensed therapist (he's been investigated a number of times for ethics issues and even fraud).

I am currently in a relationship and we love each other very much. A very normal relationship. The issue I am having is that they know each other, through the kids activities. My bf and I were acquaintance/friends before my divorce was final through our kids activities- my ex never really knew him. Since my ex has suspected that we were dating which started before we actually were, he has gone above and beyond to stir up drama. It has gotten so bad that I had to move the girls out of their tumbling and cheer program because of the issues he was causing, the school has also had multiple issues with my ex. He actually went around the gym at one time cornering people saying that the two of us were having an affair while we were married. Because no one wants to ever be in the middle and one of his targets of crazy, they stop short of kicking him out and tolerate some of his bad behavior with just a slap on the hand. This then isolates the girls and I because anyone dumb enough to be 'friends' with us puts them selves as a target, so other than some close friends, he has done an awesome job of socially isolating his family and I. He wax and waines a bit and will settle down for a while until his mom (also severely BPD) or his girlfriend of the moment breaks up with him.

The issue I am now facing is that my current bf and I are at a point of wanting to make things more serious. Start including the kids together with us (its been about a year since dating-taking things slow). Because of all the history that my ex and he have together with the drama my ex has created, my bf literally becomes so irritated with him that he doesn't want to even be in the same room with him. This makes things hard because our kids want the others family to attend events, etc... . My girls don't completely understand why my bf can't/won't attend their events, and feel like they are being punished they know its not because he doesnt want to, and they know its because of their dad. My ex does a bang up job of putting them in the middle. They have handled things well so far but I can see this escalating and becoming a bigger issue. It's become so difficult that my bf and I have almost broken it off- not because of fighting over it or anger. We talk things through and the issue the continues to occur is putting the kids first and protecting them, and our relationship (any one ever for that fact) will cause them these same issues. We want to work this out, and outside of my ex, we don't have relationship problems. We are always very good at being respectful and communicating.

My ex unfortunately is a very high functioning BPD and has the charming narcissistic qualities that deceive these who don't understand who he is. He is supposed to be taking meds, but is constantly owing off them and as become a righteous religious follower to fit his black/white thinking. He's attempted therapy multiple times, and as a therapist himself, always knows more than his Practioner and quits as soon as things get real. Marriage counseling is where his ex was confirmed for me.

What suggestions and advice to help the kids and keeping them out of the middle do you have in dealing with ex's influence and jealousy of relationships? He's constantly poking at my bf with fake and over the top 'friendly' greetings. He's the school yard bully that pushes your buttons until someone snaps. That is where my bf is at this point... .

Hi figtree,

It looks like the moderators moved your post to the relationship board, but I think this might actually get some more love from the parenting board. Lots of parents have to deal with the same kind of junk you're talking about, and there are quite a few significant others (like your bf) who post there too. It was reading that board that made me decide to keep my current bf a secret as long as possible.

I've been divorced 2 years, and coparent S11 with my N/BPDxh. The difference in my situation is that N/BPDx has so much social anxiety that he doesn't do anything with S11 outside the house. His psychodrama is almost entirely limited to the Internet and email.

If my bf did have to interact like yours does, I would let him do what he feels he needs to do. Your girls are old enough that you can talk to them about the situation. "BF has boundaries about how he will let people behave around him, and he cannot, and does not want to, try to control your father from saying hurtful and false things about him. It does not mean that he does not care about you, and he wants to be involved in your lives."

And then let them process their feelings. If they feel rejected, validate those feelings. Even though this isn't parental alienation, there are some manipulative things your ex is doing that sound familiar. Have you read Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak? That book is awesome. There are some really good phrases to say to kids when the lies are flying from BPD parents, things to help you set the record straight.

I think a lot of us non BPD parents are overly passive about putting kids from high conflict relationships in the middle. They are in the middle, and we can't put our heads in the sand. You tell them that the situation is xyz (fact), and you are dealing with it by doing abc (boundary). Then you validate how they feel about the predicament, which takes the sting off being put in the middle.

All kids of high-conflict BPD divorces are in the middle. That ship sailed and we need a different kind of wisdom than the usual patter from well-intentioned therapists about how to help our kids.

It is what it is.  Do what you have to do.

What do I mean by that?  Just that you know it will create a firestorm from your ex - the timing won't matter much.  If you waited another year, he would still make an issue of it.  So, knowing you can't appease him with the passage of time, do what you two decide is best for yourselves at a time that you both are comfortable with.

Frankly, he has no justification to complain about it since he's already had a series of girlfriends.  That won't matter to him of course, accept that reality and move on with your lives.  From what you related, doubtless your kids will gladly support your decisions.

Think ahead too.  If there are celebrations such as an engagement party, wedding, anniversary, etc then try to schedule them on your parenting time.  Be prepared in case he tries to declare a vacation on those dates, cut the kids' hair off or color their hair green just beforehand and some other attempt to disrupt your peace and joy.