BPDFamily.com

Around the new year I tried to start a new relation ship with a guy "new guy" who I still believe was an excellent match for me.  It's over and I'm fine - happy really - but that's not the point here. And this post may be rambling because I'm not sure there's a point per se. The relationship was a challenge for me because I didn't realize how enmeshed I still was with my BPDx.  That, compounded by the fact that although I knew I didn't want that kind of relationship again, I didn't know what the "healthier" alternative looked like.  I had no perspective.  Non of the 3 long-term committed relationships I've had in my life have been that healthy, and I don't know if I've been so great at maintaining healthy friendships, either.  Or co-worker relationships, or any of any kind.  I've been hurting inside and letting it show everywhere I go.  

So- after my BPDx and I split I decided to slow everything in life waaaaay down and get down to the most fundamental aspects of life and just see who I am and where all the pain comes from and try to address it.  Two years ago I quit my job and stayed home with my new baby under the financial support of my BPDx.  He knew he couldn't be there for us (because of his illness constantly hurting us) and knew that our son was going to depend solely on me in life.  Therefore, he wanted to afford me the chance to get better.  I've been working really hard ever since.  

Upon meeting new guy I knew right away he was unique and someone I wanted to make an effort to build something with, although it probably would have been wiser to step back and continue working on my stuff alone.  It was an "extra" motivator to get my act together.  I pushed myself really hard - to a point I felt something inside broke.  I was on the side of the road screaming and spent the next few days screaming internally and acknowleding deeply buried pain.  I came out feeling changed.  Then, when new guy and I decided to end things (it was an amicable decision - that damage had been done and it wasn't certain things could continue in a healthy manner) I suddenly realized.  I am ready.  I've worked for this and I do want to live a  healthy life.  Suddenly, my heart grew and I was able to say all sorts of heart-felt things I hadn't been able to say before.  I knew what my heart desired and allowed that to flow through, versus remaining logical as always.  

Then, this past week while my son's dad (my BPDx) was visiting he went through my phone and read messages between new guy and I.  He left not speaking to me (he gets upset that I'm doing things behind his back, lying to him, using him, playing him for fool, etc even though I'm completely out in the open about new guy and I and have stopped hiding my phone because I figure if he wants to read our mushy crap go ahead for crying out loud.  he's not a baby).  When that happened, I felt so free.  You see, him giving me money is a contract, in his mind, for sexual relations when he is here.  I have to carefully navigate the NO - WE DON'T DO THAT each and every day, multiple times a day while he is here.  His visits wouldn't be playing with his son - they would be sitting in the recliner eating, watching tv and getting sexual service - almost never playing with our son.  But I don't allow that.  I work the entire time and leave them alone as much as possible.  

Anyway, my BPDx always hangs it over my head that he gives me money - the favor he is doing for me (and he is!) and asking me - what do I do for him in return?  And I HAVE JUSTIFIED THAT BEHAVIOR!  In my heart I have defended my BPDx.  I HAVE DEFENDED HIS MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR, REMAINING ENMESHED WITH A SICK PERSON, AND UNABLE TO MOVE ON.  

I didn't want to give up this contract - for financial security while I heal - for a man (new guy) who  had no obligation to me at all.  I didn't trust it.  I was afraid.  Afraid to stand on my own two feet.  

So, when he found the messages I went with it.  I decided to accept only the normal child support amount from him - even though it is going to be scary how I'll manage at first and damn hard.  And uncomfortable.  But this is what's right for me.  And it feels so good. It's like I've been let out of prison.  I am free.  

I suddenly realized all the way it was limiting me in my new relationship.  I was accustomed to my BPDx's spoiling (manipulative, but spoiling) behavior.  I was hanging that over new guy's head.  Here's my list.  It pertains to all my relation ships.  I've felt so fragile and afraid to "give" anything to anyone that my relationships have all always suffered.  No more.  I now feel more secure than ever, more confident that I can care for myself (even though I have no financial means yet lol), and certain of what I want.  I contacted my mom to express my gratitude, and my BPDx, and plan to continue living like this.  Where it reads "my partner" it could read "people I know"

What I don't want.  

1) My partner to have something hanging over his head because I'm waiting for him to constantly make elaborate or grand gestures of affection.  

2) To feel and respond as though everything is a threat to national security.  To worry that everything is a sign everything is wrong.  

3) To be afraid to turn to, or be vulnerable with my partner.  

4) Expecting what I want to just come to me.  With the idea that they should in the right relationship.  

5) To let my hurt feelings come through as sarcasm.  

6) To be focused so much on getting what I want I accidentally ignore the needs of others.  

What I want.

1) To remain heart - centered in my actions.  To allow myself to be true to myself by asking for what I want.  To remember that this doesn't harm others.  

2) To be grateful for what I receive from others.  And to show it.  To make an effort to show my gratitude and allow my love/care for others to show through my actions more often.  To do so without fear I am giving away more than I can afford to give, because I will only give what I comfortably can with peace of mind.  

3) To communicate clearly and calmly in the moment (when possible).  Or let it go.  With confidence that I'm not compromising my values.  Because I am certain now what they are.    

4) To allow a comfortable, confident, trusting relationship to develop over time.  

5) To be grateful my partner supports my goals and to do the same for him.  

6) To be grateful my partner accepts my shortcomings or challenges, and to do the same for him.

Now, I've always wanted these things.  And knew they would be good for me.  But now I am ready to do them.  I am doing them.  And it feels great.  One person wrote on here in a post: "You know it's the right person for you when they can accept what you have to give."  I love that and it's beautifully stated.  It has changed my perspective. I have spent most of my life focusing only on what others can do for me: and then demanding more.  What a B* right?     lol 

Life has been easier lately.  Less painful and distracted.  I contacted an organizational coach for ADHD's who said she will accept trade instead of cash to come to my home and help me get it together!  I need that so much because it brings so much pain to my life.  I found a sliding scale counselor.  I applied for a YMCA scholarship to exercise more.  I'm eating right.  I'm going to start meditating and focusing on life goals such as my finances so that I can get control of my life.  I've been crying these big sad tears for the loss of new guy the past few days.  But that is what it is.  With my new take on life I know love will find me, and it will be great. In the meantime, I'm going to feel fabulous.  *sigh*  This has been so much work.  So much ugly work.

tcevans, I'm really proud of you. That is a hard thing to do, admit a fear like that and then stand up and trust you can do it on your own. I didn't realize until this post how enmeshed you were with your ex. It's a bit more clear, now, why there might have been so much emotional angst in your new r/s.

Even though my situation is different, I can relate to the fear about asserting yourself to someone who has emotional and financial power over you. I have that relationship with my dad, although he isn't giving me any money right now. Still, he has an education fund for my son, and I stand to inherit money from him. And I know that pissing him off will mean an end to all that. But I also know that it will give me immense freedom and inner strength to stand up to him and tell him how I feel, how I have felt all these years.




You really inspire me. Thanks for posting this.

Wow you have been working hard! Thanks for putting all this into words, it is inspiring and uplifting! I hope you feel proud of your self!

I too relate to the being brave enough to stand on your own two feet, it is scary, and also so strangely liberating when you start to trust yourself.

Love Blazing Star

Tcevans, thank you for sharing this uplifting post. The times ahead may be difficult for you but with such wisdom you have acquired you have well prepared yourself. It sounds like you have found freedom. Peace to you. Cumulus.