BPDFamily.com

when we make dates to talk or do anything she hardly ever fallows through with plans, unless I push her to do so... . and if I push her then I'm controlling... . even though she's agrees to it in the first place... . so what's the solution. never plan for anything with her, and only let things be based on that second? or when we make plans do I insist she fallow through on them?... .

I have this problem down to a micro level, can't stick to plans made even 1 hour ago. It comes down to a core inability to regulate not only their emotions but their entire life. It is a core personality defect, no amount of jumping up and down or getting peeved will fix this. It will only trigger a defensive reaction and make it worse. They are probably aware of it but dont have the mind skills to fix what seems obvious, so they cover it up.

So what to do? First of all try not to assume anything is fixed in concrete, keep your own plan "B" up your sleeve. So that if the combined plan falls through you have a plan to do something rather than not doing anything. Do not play along with any of the excuses made for not following through, but dont bother arguing either.

Above all stick to your own plans regardless of what they do, that will help reduce resentment and avoid you also becoming dysfunctional. Try to focus on what is necessary to avoid resentment rather than try to drag them along. Your real issue is really about how it affects you.

Keep in mind this is a real part of a disorder, it will take long term professional help to make a big impact on this. You can only accept it and work to lesson its impact on you, no matter how much it makes you want to scream at times.

I agree to a point about keeping and making plans, however, with dBPD/NPDw, she can remember plans a month out that she made with her "friends" to go out for a night.  So once again I believe that their memory and keeping of plans is quite selective.

Wow, I've never seen this issue raised before... .

I thought I was the only one.

I had exactly the same issue.

We made plans, negotiated (via text message) for days, which movie and which restaurant we would go to... .

I got a call that morning confirming the details, and then... . as the appointed time drew nearer... .

... . it all went to crap... .

She decided to go swimming with her girlfriends instead... .

The next day, she texted me like nothing had happened.

When I called her on it... . that I didn't appreciate being treated like this.

Her response... . "I don't know what to do with this information.  But, hey, thanks for making me feel like hsit... . "

Brutal... .

No respect for me or my time... .

Reading your messages, I see that it would never have improved.

That's why I now go by credo of not making her a priority if all I am to her is an option... .

PwBPB are very moody and undependable. A lot of times they change their minds on a whim, and then blame us. It's part of the disorder.

Recently my uBPDbf said he wanted to move home. So we moved our lives across the country. He then decided he didn't want to be here after all. So 4 months later we are moving back. As much of a hassle as it is, I'm quite happy to be going back to my home. But my point is, their minds changing can be that drastic and abrupt, and inconveniencing.

And he has already blamed me once (in a rage) for this situation.

One time after we had gotten particularly close, he asked what time I'd be home on Friday and that he would give me a call.  The implication was that we'd be doing something together, or at the very least, he'd call around the time I was getting home. 

So Friday rolls around, no call; I waited and waited and finally went out shopping.  He called 5 hours after I got home originally.  I swore I wouldn't answer the phone, but couldn't help myself lol

He acted like no biggie, just like 'Hey!'   I said, 'I thought you were going to call me earlier'?

him- 'I said I'd give you a call and I'm calling you now'.

me, all agitated- ' I was under the impression that we'd be doing something together'.

him- 'Are you mad at me?'

me- 'I think it's RUDE that you'd ask what time I was getting home and then don't call until now!'

him- 'I asked what time you were getting home out of empathy'.

me- '    So from now on, unless I hear something specific, I will assume that we're not doing anything and I will make my own plans.'

him- 'That's not what I said'.

me- 'No, it's what I said' *click*

I've learned never to assume a thing and ask clarifying questions now.  He doesn't pull that same stunt, but once in a while something else will arise.  I let him know I'm not happy about it, while having a backup plan in place.  I do not walk on eggshells.  Some things aren't that big of a deal (to me), so I can let those slide.  The big deals, I say something about, because I'd rather be completely alone than be treated like dirt.

I don't intend to change him, but by changing myself and standing up for what I believe in, he responds to me differently.

I believe he knows that if he pushes certain buttons, I'll be gone.

What are your limits?

Me too! I had no idea it was in any way BPD related and just thought he was unreliable and flaky.

A few days ago, I was actually trying to gauge our "upsetting due to mental illness" issues alongside "normal relationship annoyances" and considered his inability to make definitive plans as something - I'd assumed - a normal problem.

I've gotten every excuse in the book from "too tired" to "you're controlling." Luckily, he just tells me to make my own plans without him though it's a huge bummer when you're excited to see them.

yeah it drives me nuts,

her- this weekend lets go camping, it'll be so much fun!(while I lived in the same country this is something that happened)

me- ok sounds good, i'll see if what I have for camping gear, and we'll make a list of what else we need.

her- ok, can't wait!

date comes around, I drive to her house half expecting that's what were doing. but no never happened. she didn't want to anymore, so pretty sure we just hung out watching movies that weekend.

last weekend.(I live on the other side of the country now, but call on the weekends to keep in touch)

me-hey so what's a good time for me to call?

her- nothing. (couple hours latter, some completely random text about nothing really)

me-(carries on by text for awhile, then asks again) so am I aloud to call?

Her- yes your aloud to call, but I may not answer.

me- well why would I call if your not goin to answer?

her- (nothing) I don't feel like talking

me- ok well "may" implies that its open still, "not" says doors closed. fine, you did say I could call though.

her- (nothing)

grrrr its infuriating when she does this... . so what do you do? confront her on it? just pretend it doesn't happen and keep doing my thing.

2nd waverider's advice: always have a Plan B.  Not only is this practical, it will help you mentally prepare for when they chicken out on plans.

Also, sometimes I (and it is probably not the best way) don't discuss plans way in advance unless there is a need for it (requires booking something).  For me, I hate to keep dwelling on things- I usually have a "get it over and done with" attitude, so now I probably discuss plans less than before because I hate it when H dwells on the issue for a very long time, going back and forth.  Less time before it happens = less time for him to waver.

ya, I always have a plan b in place, try not to dwell on it, but cant help but feel hurt sometimes by some of the crap that's pulled... .

This too. Stops having arguments about things that may not happen anyway. As  a rule I prefer to avoid things that need booking and prepaid tickets if possible.

I have the cancelled arrangements down ok so that I dont get too upset.

The thing I still struggle with is the endless delaying, so that you turn up just as whatever the event is has almost finished. Preceeded by a lot of pacing up and down and muttering by yours truely. That way even plan B gets voided.

This is not necessarily major plans, but even something small like a trip to the shops.

I found having the plan b helpful.  Then enlisting the help/understanding of friends helped me feel better.  I am honest and I explain my feelings about attending/not attending. 

I give tell my plans independently. It's easy if we both are a no go.  However, if he's in the air, I let the person know my prediction if he will be there as a %. 

Most of our common friends know him well enough that he's the change of plans unpredictable person and I am the organized plan do what I say I'm going to do type.  So they understand when I show up to events without him and they don't even really ask for any explanation.  They simply enjoy my friendship.