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I find myself wanting to say (maybe as a form of closure) that 'its not the physical flaws and imperfections that make her ugly, it's her heart'

I of course can't do that for two reasons, it's not my character and also because of the kids, I can't afford the fall out

Anyone have similar thoughts ?

Yep, "So long, and thanks for all the fish."  :)

I can most definitely relate to that slimmiller.

So many times I wanted to tell my exBPDw (and still do) why it is that things go wrong in her life but she is in firm denial stage that there is anything wrong with her. It's always someone else, the world or simply just down to fate. I often thought of writing her an e-mail and sending it on one of the future mail websites so it is delivered maybe in a year or 2 when things have gone wrong again and she is still in denial. However, it's not my place to say anything, only for her to look for answers when she is ready.

I often wanted to tell her that I know why she is the way she is and despite all of that, I was still prepared to stand beside her. Then the other part of me wanted to tell her that she isn't the person she believes herself to be but I don't have it in me to say that.

I'm learning to work with my feelings towards her and allow myself to heal. The sad news is that the T believes she is too firmly in denial to ever realise the truths and it makes me sad that this pattern will be the rest of her life. I feel sympathy towards her but I don't feel it for the manner in which she behaves.

I completely understand what you mean.  I've found myself writing countless letters to her but with no evail.  She would dismiss them, or pick out the parts that she interpreted as "about her," and dismiss the rest.  Bottom line, I got sick of wasting my breath and my time with mine.  It's like seeking some form of validation from someone who just isn't going to give any to you.

I found that it's perfectly alright to write letters to her, but DONT send them.  Keep them as a journal.  Look back at them from time to time and see how much you've changed.  How you've grown, what you've learned.  It gives you a good guage of where you are at.  It allows you the chance to vent, express your feelings in a healthy way that NO ONE needs to know about... . ONLY YOU!

If she is true BPD, she already hates herself enough and no words that I could possibly say would have any impact.  At the end of the day, we will recover.  They will be trapped in their own worlds for the rest of their lives!

My ex has not contacted me since march... . Since then I have slowly healed but I do feel I have a way to go. Part of me will always love her and wish her happiness despite the pain she put me through. She knew something wasn't right yet she said I admit fault and I'd rather whipe the slate clean and start over (running from her problems). She also made it quite clear she was happy to forget her problems and blamed me for reminding her by suggesting therapy.

I guess if she ever contacted me again which I highly doubt id tell her it's her life her journey but things will not get better until she faces her problems and unless she agrees to get help I can no longer handle watching her hurt me or herself. I guess that's the last of what's on my mind... .

That I don't hate her, forgive her, love her and wish her nothing but happiness in the future.

Because of who she is as a person, I don't think I'll ever say any of that to her. And that doesn't bother me one bit... .

What haven't I told her?

The whole thing was made infinitely harder because SHE was aware of her problems and SHE WAS trying to fix them by going to therapy.  After every indiscretion, we would sit down and talk, which was really me talking AT her, and explaining why what she did was wrong and how to avoid it in the future.

I've told her while she was dealt a really shtty hand in life with her family and some things that have happened to her (she claims she was raped and also her fiance two years prior to when we met physically abused her), she creates 50% of her own misery by talking with all the people she does and keeping all of the people she does in her life.

I've told her that whereas I did not talk to other girls, give my number out to other girls, hang out with other girls, or otherwise do ANYTHING to make her worry, ALL she did was talk to guys who she KNEW had the hots for her, lie to me about doing it, and otherwise lead a double life.

Thinking about it... .

I would tell her that it breaks my heart all of the stuff she has been put through and put herself through.  That she thought she would find love and worth as a person by sleeping around as much as she did before me.  26 or 27 partners at 22.

I would tell her that I cannot understand how someone can lay in bed with me, with my arms around them, and tell me that she feels "Safe" at the moment, that it is her favorite part of her day, that she is mine, that I cannot possibly understand how much she loves me, and then be having an emotional affair with others on the side.

I would tell her that my soul aches for her and for us.

I feel you octoberfest that was my relationship 100% except although my ex was aware something wasn't right she refused to get help and would rather run away or blame me.