BPDFamily.com

I am new to the BPD web community but have been living for years with the craziness of dealing with a BPD partner. I have been separated for six years and we have four young children so I deal with her every week on a regular basis. She stayed in the house and has the kids during the week and I have them on weekends. It is a weekly chess game where she changes all the chess pieces at will and then, if that isn't enough, the rules also change every week according to the emotion of the day. You know what I mean.

One of the great stress relievers is to find out that there are other people in this great world wide web community who have gone through the exact same thing you have and that they face craziness every day too. On one blog, I read about a lady who had a problem with a roof being shingled, a dishwasher being replaced and a vacum hose breaking down, all of which became major issues, and of course she was responsible for everything going wrong, when in fact it all went right. I went through the exact same thing, with shingles, a dishwasher and a vacum hose, only in a different time sequence. It got me thinking that there is just a lot of craziness with this illness and it would be nice to see if others have been through the same craziness game. What is the craziest thing your BPD partner has done?

For me, it was the mortgage renewal. We own the family home jointly and she decided not to sign the mortgage. The papers were presented for renewal and she simply refused. I do not know why. She then organized a meeting at her workplace in the finance department and in front of the finance staff berated me for presenting her with documents she could not sign. Her co-workers were stunned and it was the beginning of her getting sidelined and moved out of the organization.  The mortgage renewed automatically for a three month extension and in that time her boss pressured her to sign, because moving from the house would be problematic.  She signed, but it was hours of work and negotiation just to sign a paper that had to be signed anyway. Nothing made sense as to why the refusal, other than a desire to create chaos.

What is the craziest thing your BPD partner has done? How did you deal with it?

Hello sailing4help and  *welcome*

I remember when I came here and being amazed at how some many things written by others  resonated with me.  It really is a community of people who "get it" and there is a lot of comfort in that.   

I'm sure as you continue to post here, you will hear many stories that you can relate to. 

I read that you are seperated and that your daughters are struggling a bit right now.  That must be stressful.  I have three daughters about the same ages as yours.  I think you will find that a lot of the tools and strategies discussed on these boards will help you and them.   

oh, wow, I could list SO MANY things after being with my H for 30 years.

however, one of the most outrageous things involved my parents.  H always loved and respected my parents (they're now dead), so this event was VERY shocking.

We had been remodeling our home and the flooring had just been replaced, so furniture had been shoved around by the installers.  My parents stopped by one night after they had been shopping to see our kids.  H was at the gym.   My parents asked if they could help move the furniture back, and so we were doing that.  There was a desk that had been shoved in the living room and should have been returned to the study.  However, H had earlier commented that he didn't like this desk and we should buy another (this was odd since this was a NICE desk AND we didn't have money for a new desk).  So, I told my parents what H had said.  My parents said that we should still move the desk back into place at least until it gets replaced since it did NOT belong in the living room (which was very true).  The desk was large and the living room didn't have room for it.

So, as we were moving the desk back into the study (which was the very next room), H walked in the door.  He immediately got mad and said that he wanted to get rid of the desk.  My mom tried to tell him that they were just putting it there until a new one could be purchased.  H began raging and calling me names.  He accused me of calling my parents up and asking them to come over to move that desk.  Both my parents tried to tell H that I hadn't called them, and they had just stopped by, and that THEY were the ones who had "pushed the idea" to move the desk back until a new one was purchased.  H accused them of lying for me to cover up my actions.  H kept calling me names.  My mom burst into tears, my dad was shocked because my parents never behaved this way.  They left the house absolutely floored.  At some point later, I was somehow (don't remember how) able to convince H that I hadn't called them up and that they had just stopped by.  He later called them up and apologized, but my parents never forgot that horrible night.  Later, my mom sent me a book about being married to a difficult spouse. 

this was about 15 years ago.  H NEVER again mentioned wanting to get rid of that desk.  We even moved to another home, and that SAME desk came with us.  We still have that same desk.  So, I have NO IDEA why H thought that we should get rid of it at one point, and then never expressed anything about that desk again.  He's used it many times since, and never a peep about it. 

Thank you for posing this question.

Last spring my uBPDh blamed me for needing him to get food for me after I had sinus surgery and was told to stay in bed due to uncontrollable hemorrhaging.  This was before I knew what BPD was.

This fall he decided I am a hoarder (after watching several episodes of the TV show). 

So I looked up the criteria for hoarders and I am not even close.  I told him repeatedly that it would be helpful if he could watch the kids and/or set up a schedule when things could get done (again, before I knew what BPD was).

So, he now goes into the basement and sorts through my totes and throws my things out while I am at work. (He is "walking" disabled due to other illnesses). Yet, he is never able to pick up the kids toys in the living room or put their clothes away.  Whenever I try to go through my totes he rages at me that I shouldn't be doing it, that I should be picking up the spaces that people see first.

So my head spins, but now that I know what this disorder is at least it feels like it spins in the right direction?

Great question... . I hope you get lots of replies. It's like venting lol... .

I have a few stories. One day, before my uBPDbf and i lived together, I came home from work and my dog was outside barking, which I found unusual because she always met me at the door. Instinctively I went to the gate to see what she was barking at: he was hiding on the side of the house. He wanted to be sure I was alone! Creepy.

The most recent (and saddest) story is that in February he wanted to move "home" to be near family (parents and 3 kids). So we packed up our lives and moved from one side of the country to the other, 2000 miles. Since being here his behaviors toward his family have estranged himself from them all (he even screamed "you're dead to me" to his 73-year old mother at 1am because he thought she was accusing him of stealing!) and now 4 months later we are moving across the country AGAIN. But of course it's all THEIR fault lol

It's sad that we all have to deal with these behaviors but it helps to find the humor and not take it personally, as hard as that is sometimes.

The craziest thing he does is that he'll help anyone - do drywall, fix a roof, change someone's car oil, harvest crops, move their belongings big, tall and small... . on and on. But if I ask him to put up a curtain rod, fix a leaky tap, check the oil in my car, do anything outside (except have a raging bonfire), or put away the Christmas decorations in the creepy basement storage he turns it into DRAMA, days and days of drama.

He's "broken up" with me over things like that - the longest was 3 days over the curtain rod 

So I don't ask anymore... . I do it myself. The curtain rod is crooked, but it's up  |iiii . Plumbing was a learning experience (oy). My friend's husband is a mechanic and showed me how to check my own oil, amongst other mechanical things I should probably know anyway. I look forward to weekend earth therapy - time alone is precious. And, the decorations now live behind my clothes in the upstairs closet. NO drama   :)

I know we have to either put new carpet in the dining room or refinish the floor sometime soon, this carpet was here 50 years by the look of it when we moved in - I'm pricing sanders that I can handle 

Lol, I had to laugh. My ex has a big KISA complex and can't pass up a damsel in distress. He is generally helpful anyway - helps neighbors with shingling a roof, mowing their lawn, packing boxes and helping them move (he's in his 50's and will work to exhaustion), will drive 100 miles to change the oil in his adult children's car... . but then give him a waify woman and he's bending over backwards to take care of her every need. Except for me- his gf/fiance/wife. He probably did about 3 hours TOTAL working around my house in almost a decade. Maybe 6 hours if you count all the piddly stuff like helping me hang pictures or assemble boxed furniture.  Personally, I think he was drawn to the idea of helping me out (poor struggling single mom) and then it turned out I wasn't nearly as helpless and dependent as he liked.

As far as craziest thing my ex did... . (insert loud sigh and eyeroll here)... . I would LOVE to list the top 10, but it would be too identifiable, based on the sheer "OMFG WHO THE *&&%($ DOES THAT?" factor involved.

Omg Mauser I had to laugh at your last comment. I so feel ya!

I have another one: one day I visited my lifelong friend who I hadn't seen in about 15 years. My cell battery had died so I was unknowingly unreachable for about 4 hours (a lifetime to a BP!) When I got home, needless to say he was irate. He called our phone provider and suspended my account! I had no phone for 2 days. When he finally came to his senses (they eventually do... . thank god it wasn't longer than 2 days and nothing serious happened during that time that I would have needed my phone), I went to the phone store and separated our accounts. I had to change my number to do it but it was worth it. I learned that I would never, ever blend accounts - cell, bank, etc. - with him again. The control they can exercise, if we give it to them, is out of this world.

For me, the craziest was that he told me that I did not know what day my mother had died.  This was about a week after she passed.  He knew full well that I had been in the room with her and had been the one who had to tell the doctor to turn off the machines, but he still argued with me about the date.

His craziest moment emotionally is when he decided that I would better off without him in my life, so he asked for a divorce (twice)... . but still told me he loved me, never proceeded with the divorce and never left home. He never wanted it, he just thought I wanted it but never said it.   BTW, I choose everyday, every hour, every minute to stay. It took months for us to work it out. I made sure I reminded him how important he is to me, how I choose to stay for love not money or fear of the unknown.

His craziest physical moment, this one there is a few. Before we knew what was wrong (but fully aware something was), he got himself stuck in a ditch after driving extremely drunk (he could barely stand). All of a sudden, he wanted to fight my dad because he called the towing. The towing guy called the cops on my husband. Dad forgave him, but my husband still doesn't forgive himself. The other one is my scariest moment in life. He got drunk, we got into an argument (I had no clue how to deal with him at the time), he left to hide in the basement, I went to pay bills on the PC on the 2nd floor. He grabbed me by the neck and lifted me up to the point of me not touching the floor... . I weighed more than 280 lbs at the time... . and he started hitting me. I looked at his face and his eyes were like glass... . there was absolutely no life in them... . just pure rage. He had lost total contact with life. After a few good hits, I yelled to him that he was hurting me (something he vowed never to do). When he let go, I noticed his eyes were back to normal. We worked through it, by me coming here and getting to know more about what is BPD, him going to T, quit drinking (right now it's back but he hold himself to a 6 pack maximum) and even talked to his T about her and I having a cooperation/support relationship (meaning I can call her about him slipping up or her talking to me if he is showing disturbing signs or deals he made with her that she wants me to ensure that I do it for him... . like making an appointment with the dentist, etc. or even tips on how to deal with him or anything else she can think of that can help me help him and her).

What helped us both is setting boundaries, safe words and having something to do that relaxes us, but most of all is having our "safe area". It might sound weird, but if either of us aren't feeling good we have a right to tell each other :"Sorry my dear, but I'm feeling *insert feeling here* and I'll be *insert name of room*. I will come see you when I'm better. If we go check on each other, we knock and ask permission to enter. It has reduced the conflicts by 95%.

Thanks for sharing Foreverhopeful.

That look in the eyes is so frightening.  It may not be right, but I now say to my uBPDh that I can tell by his eyes that this is not a time to talk so I will take a break and talk to him later.

What I find just as frightening is that twenty minutes later he can be normal.

Best to you and kudos for hanging in!

My undxh turns into a complete perfectionist neat freak when company is due to arrive.  I'll never forget the time when I caught him in the front yard with my "house" vacuum, vacuuming the concrete pathway that leads up from the driveway to the front door. 

Craziest thing?

She hurt herself (bruises) and blamed me for molesting her 

A lot of things on the 2nd place: boobietrapping, throwing away my mail, break or take away my stuff, stealing money and so on.

ha ha... . my H isn't handy around the house, so I don't expect him to do roofs or drywall, but he won't help with anything - not even after I had C-sections with our babies.  My sister got after him when she came over and saw a sink full of dishes after my first C-section.  He still wouldn't put the dishes in the dishwasher and run them.

However, when a friend of his was hurt in an accident, my H went and mowed his lawn for several weeks... . when he won't even mow our own lawn!   

There are so many crazy stories.

Probably the night her personality split between three distinct people. Different voices, different actions, everything.

It freaked me out. 

I hope one of the experts weighs in here and explains why (male?) pwPBD will do this. 

My H doesn't always do what others ask, but he rarely would ever do anything that I asked him to do - help with Christmas decorations, help get ready for guests, etc. 

the trend that I notice is this:  When friends/relatives ask for favors, he'll do them at first.  But, after awhile, he'll flake on them as well. H stayed at his brothers home (for free!) for 2 months, and at first he helped out when his brother asked, but I know that his brother was angry at him for flaking on plans to rake leaves on a Saturday morning - because H did his typical "sleep in" til noon instead. 

The same with me.  When first together, he was helpful, but soon he had every excuse to be lazy: tired, not in the mood, wants to do something else, etc. 

Before my father became too elderly, my dad would come over and fix whatever needed fixing. I would help my dad as much as I could and learned a lot from him.  I thought it was so strange that H would sit and watch TV during these times instead of helping my dad or at least trying to learn from my dad (my dad was very nice and very willing to teach, he had taught my brothers.)

I suspect that at some point, either the narcissistic entitled trait comes thru or the "I want to be taken care of" trait comes thru. 

It's not just males who have the "damsel in distress" syndrome. My wife will take the lead on helping people who've experienced any kind of trauma.

Unfortunately, the reason she does it is to forward the mythology that all she ever does is "give, give, give and get nothing back."

The work she does for others is actually done for herself. It's not genuine and her friends and even her acquaintances see through her now... . They don't take her up on her offers to "help" anymore. They know it would just go into the great balance ledger in her head, so they'd rather just deal with their friends who understand what real friendship is all about and have the ability to act based on empathy, not self-service.

Great question!

The stories made me laugh, both because they're so strange - and yet so recognisable  :) Some of them I could have posted myself, like the not-helping. I have a whole bunch of anecdotes, but they would be too identifiable!

Wow, this one triggers me enormous!

From the beginning of our r/s 10 years ago my stbx has said the sentence "I've always given and got nothing in return. It isn't about balance, but the balance is completely disappeared" hundreds of times! And that was not only about me, but about everybody.

Analyzing her behaviour it always was about her. She stood there if somebody needed help, but she would get that emotionally involved, that the other persons problem (even people she didn't know really) became her grieve. Victim again.