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So today I saw a text my wife accidentally sent to my daughter meant for her Boyfriend.  I'm not looking for "mean" revenge - but right now I am soo hurt.  I've been nothing but nice to my stbexw during this divorce process - and she has been a witch, projection, blame, spitefulness, etc.  So is the best way to get revenge to be nice - and let her realize one day what she threw away?  I just hate her now - the stuff she put in the text wasn't anything close to what she would say to me the last 19 years of marriage.

Big difference between nice and assertive (boundaries) and don't buy into the game otherwise you become one of the players.

My experience with a BPD wife is that silence is the absolute best weapon. I look forward to the day that our D is final so that I can block her number.

Good luck!

Cal there's a real possibility she may not realize what's she's lost here for a long time.  Because you guys have kids together its a lot harder to detach and it takes more work.  you are kind of in a spot where not communicating at all is not an option.

Boundaries are going to help a bit from getting drawn into trying to please her hoping she may see the light.  Have you had a chance to read that workshop?

How's things right now?

Think of self-preservation vs. revenge. Revenging someone who is mentally ill only brings us down to their level... . which is a deeply unhappy place.

When we can make the paradigm shift to focus on ourselves that is the sweetest joy. Take care of you better than you ever have before. They notice when we stop treating ourselves like crap and they also notice when we create boundaries to keep them from treating us like crap. This is where your power is.

Hurting them (or seeking revenge) will only keep us attached to them and that keeps us from healing. When we don't heal; they win.