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Reflecting on staying or leaving, I was thinking about what attracted me to my uBPDh in the first place. Very clearly to me part of it was his intensity, how passionate he was about things, and how appreciative he was of me. In essence, I was attracted to the features of BPD. The attention from the idealisation was very flattering and I felt so secure in a relationship with a man who thought so highly of me and felt so passionately about me. He can be very passionate about issues and ideas and I was thrilled to be with someone who had their own opinions and could converse with me about interesting things. He threw himself into projects at home with great enthusiasm and being around that energy was exciting and energising. Being with him was intensely stimulating.

On the flip side, the "painting black" is as extreme as the idealisation and has been very damaging to me and my relationships with the people he chooses to share that view with. In the end, I doubt the positive things he says because the negatives are so powerful a contradictor. His passion for ideas and points of view are also rabid, one-eyed, opinions which he thinks are facts and are sometimes so far from my reality that they seem quite delusional and leave no room for me to express dissenting ideas. As enthusiastic as he is about doing things around our house, he is unrealistic and fantastical at times which can be quite scary and equally enthusiastic about withdrawing his "help" and support when he is on his down cycle.     

It also occurred to me that if he stays in therapy, it could be possible that both sides of the equation will change and what would the relationship look like then? My fear with that I will lose the things I like about him as well as hopefully the things I don't. Obviously, the other side of the coin is what it says about me that I was attracted to those things in the beginning.

HaH

I can relate to this... .

It's a scary feeling when all the lights come on in the house of mirrors and we face ourselves in every direction... . When we look at ourselves and evaluate the reasons we are with our partners in these funhouse r/ss that no one else can make sense of.


The same thing for me - I fell in love with the intensity of his passion for me, his idealisation of me and his appreciation for me. All of that was what I needed from a partner at the time - and still do apparently because I'm still holding onto hope that he'll go back to that.


Also the same for me - I have been greatly damaged by being painted black and the triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) with his family. I sometimes wonder if conquering his negatives and redeeming myself to those he's shared his views with is part of why I choose to stay... .


In a perfect world, it would be nice if we could lose the things that make this a funhouse r/s and keep a "normal" level of both sides of them. It would be nice if there were a non-extreme level of both sides of them, and the capacity to both appreciate the good things while working through the bad things. But then I have to question my own distorted image in the mirrors - would "normal" be boring, and do I get off on the extremes, and fixing the chaos?

I love doing jigsaw puzzles. Actually in another post I said BPD is like trying to figure out one jigsaw puzzle when 10 have been thrown in the same box. When my son was 2, someone gave me a box of about 10-12 jigsaw puzzles - one morning I woke to all of them mixed together on the floor. Most people would have swept them up and thrown them in the bin - not me, I spent the entire summer putting all of those puzzles together from one large pile of pieces. The challenge was far too intriguing to pass up. Sometimes I wonder, if that's not what I'm trying to do now... . put one man together from ten different piles of pieces - except maybe I'm trying to keep the pieces I like and not put in the ones I don't. The flip side of my coin is - realising that I don't to pick the pieces and it's really about deciding if the ones I've been given are the ones that I want.

Hi HoldingAHurricane and  *welcome*


I have had many attachments over my years with people with BPD (pwBPD).  Some of these relationships were only platonic, some were romantic.  And what took me many years to realize and accept, was that all of these dynamics, were preferred by me primarily because they were familiar to me; and what made them familiar to me was my relationship with my uBPD mother.

They were not the only kinds of relationships I had, but they were the most compelling ones for me personally.  And the romantic connections I felt, felt like returning home, like bonding at a very primal level, and like connecting to a degree that has never been matched.  These were the only relationships in which I "fell" in love, where I practically could not help myself.  I have loved others, but so far in my life, I have never fell in love like I did with those who I believe have BPD.

And I'm not saying this is true for anyone who finds themselves connected in such a fashion, but I believe that for me, I am damaged in a way where I cannot trust my attraction instinct.  Because I think this instinct is hardwired in me because I was raised by my uBPD mother.


I don't know if this is true for you, but for me, intensity in a relationship made it easier for me to suppress my fear of intimacy.  I didn't always realize I was afraid of intimacy, but in retrospect, whenever I courted a woman who did not instantly communicate a passion for me, I experienced great anxieties until I felt secure in the attachment. And this is something I've had to learn to cope with at first, and appreciate later.  Becoming familiar with each other is part of the courtship dance.  Intimacy can develop out of that courtship, if you let it.  Infatuation and passion can be the initial catalyst of a relationship, but in a healthy relationship (as I understand it), bonds of intimacy and familiarity should replace those initial bonds, and will eventually be the stronger of those two types.  And growing up with a uBPD parent, I can understand why I've developed such a fear of intimacy because of the chaos that usually arises whenever I experience such feelings.

Did you feel insecure in a developing relationship with a man who you did not know if they thought so highly of you or felt so passionately about you?  Because it is not typical to start a relationship with such high esteem, especially when you are only starting to get to know each other.


Another perspective is that when you expose yourself to such extreme devaluations, you may become more sensitive whenever another person expresses a desire to court you.  At some level, though you might believe they don't suffer from BPD, you may still feel as though you might be making yourself vulnerable to such devaluations.  So much so that you  allow yourself to take that risk *only* if the other person first demonstrates a high intensity and passion in the first place.  :)o this enough times and you may find yourself only willing to court pwBPD.


If your BPD loved one continues with their recovery to the point where their dysfunctional behaviors change, and you find yourself incompatible with these changes, then you need to wonder if there are not some dysfunctions in yourself which you must face and perhaps change, or else condemn yourself to be with only those with compatible dysfunctions.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing

My mother shows almost no emotion(her mother died when she was 5), and everyone in my family is very very even keeled, even when upset. I know the intense passion/drama of my pwBPD was a draw for me, as it helped make me feel alive, and the intensity when it was good was great. The intense bad part was very bad and it turned bad and stayed that way for the most part.

I found rabid, one eyed opinions to be the basis for many of my pwBPD's views... . her views were very superficial, mostly what she thought other people wanted to hear... . she didn't understand much of what she said she believed... . and being inconsistent with it was the norm... . came down to a lack of integrity really... . how can you be integrated when you lie, manipulate and base things on reaction not reality?

Unlike Schwing, I didn't grow up with a pwBPD... . I did grow up with a passive-aggressive emotionally stunted mother, and a malignant narcissist (NPD)... . father.  But just like Schwing... . I can not rely on my attraction instinct.

If I feel a strong electric attraction for someone... . they have a PD... . its approaching 100% accuracy.

Was traveling last month and hit it off with a gal... . on a project I was on, so I ask around... . she had to leave the meetings early to see her T... . sees one 3 times a week... . people warned me I would come to hate her... . she is a flake, etc... . we talk some more and the  red-flag 's, just kept coming... . and that is what would have had me chasing her before reckoning with my life devastating r/s with a pwBPD... . now, I just appreciate that the gal is cute/attractive and move on.

Used to get asked whether I attracted crazy women, or turned normal ones in to crazy ones... . turns out I attract them.