BPDFamily.com

So I wrote last week about how I found out that my now EX gfwBPD had been trying to get her EX bf’s number a few week prior to us splitting up.  She actually contact him via text a day or two after she moved out. I found out and confronted her about it and she insisted it was nothing “like that” she merely wanted to see how he was doing. She emphasized on the fact that she also felt extremely guilty towards him. She said she now knows the pain of being asked to leave the home of your significant other bc I had her leave, and since she did the same to him when they broke up so she insisted she had so much guilt and wanted to inquire about his well-being.

I’m sure there was more to it than just, like since her fear of abandonment was triggered she reached out to him to fill that I suppose.  However, does anyone buy the whole guilt thing of her now feeling so bad towards him cause she now knows how he felt to be kicked out? Does that make it anymore justified?  In my mind it was inappropriate no matter what the reason, bc while she begging for me back and expressing her hurt to me she was also checking up on him. More so since I would have been crucified by her if I committed that action. More so she knew he now has a new GF and she contacted him anyway, this is the kind of action she always insinuated other girls where doing. At least stuff along those line as she always said "I dont trust other girls" well now other girls should be trusting her! Well at least her ex new GF shouldnt.

I say checking up on him to see how HE

You want your girlfriend, ex-girlfriend to be someone she isn't: a healthy mentally stable woman. She isn't and I know that's difficult to accept. The mask has dropped and now her BPD is on full display. You will never go back to the stages of perfect idealization because her disordered thoughts have been triggered.

My heart goes out to you. Accepting that we fell in love with a person who suffers from an emotional and mental disorder is devastating. But once the downward spiral starts there's nothing we can do except get off the rollercoaster. Otherwise you will continue to be pulled into the madness of her suffering.

I know it feels personal but it isn't. Your ex is very fearful of being alone and feeling abandoned. Her actions aren't about you; their about a sickness that has lived inside of her way before you came into the picture.

Sorry... . previous post was premature... .

Anyways as I was saying she was not checking up on him to see how HE was doing. It is about HER. BPDs can not be alone, the empty hollowness they feel within requires them to have someone there to fill that void. If you broke up with her the first things she is going to do is look to again fill that void and if its her ex she ran out on before, she will do that. Most normal thinking folks will reasses and rethink and maybe have boundaries that dont allow them to go back and 'recycle' a lover. Not BPDs

It does not matter how you try and convince her its wrong. Any words you say, she will 'filter' to fit what she needs to hear and go from there. She will probably never hear what you say but rather what she needs/wants to hear.

Plus if you are broke up, the sooner she hooks up with the next guy, the sooner you can both move on... . If you broke up with her isnt that what you want?

Hey Jailbright, Agree w/BPDspell and slimmiller: it's about her, not you.  Those w/BPD have an intense, irrational fear of abandonment, which means that they will go to great lengths to avoid being alone.  It has nothing to do with you, in my view.  Plus, I echo Slim and would say, "So What?"  If you are moving on, and presumably you wouldn't be on this Board if you weren't, it doesn't really matter.  LuckyJim

Agreed.

What she does now is none of our business.  Likewise, what we do is none of theirs.

Live your life.  Let her live hers.

Jal, I guess what your post does signify is the lack of trust between you two – granted – relationships break down for less.

I understand you are interested in what she is doing or not doing – its possible you are wanting to see the pattern and to see that it was not you. Guilt is common.

Is it acceptable? Your heart probably doesn’t accept it however your mind may need to catch up.

This is exactly what my former BPD did... . she actually called the guy (an ex) and then came to my house and accidentally called me his name (drunk).

This is not uncommon. I found out my ex never let go of former boyfriends in conversation and even she got emails and text from them.

It´s their fear of abandonment. No contact is the worst thing for them. Also sometimes they do this to hurt you.

But anyway: she is free to do what she want´s and to bad for these guys to get into the BPD world. But I understand your feelings. They are normal. But you are not her spouse anymore!