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Imagine a relationship where the 2 partners are operating out of two entirely different realities!  I thought I knew what verbal abuse was.  Twice in a year long relationship with my ex pwBPD, I recognized verbal abuse and gave an appropriate respo nse.  Didn't realize that his constant criticism, nitpicking, demeaning, crazy arguments, etc., were also verbal abuse.  Thought he was just rude.  He told me I " could not communicate" and he did say "we think differently."  Just read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.  She says people can operate from 2 different realities.  Reality #1 is called "Power Over" and Reality #2 is called Personal Power.  A person is Reality #1 has no personal power, so they can only operate out of Power Over -- they try to dominate their partner (take their partner's power for themselves?)  Persons who operate out of Reality #2 have Personal Power and they are into mutuality, cooperation, compromise, good will, co-creation.  No wonder nothing makes sense.  At first he made me question my own self-worth.  I had started to lose self esteem.  All the while the problem was verbal abuse.  I recommend reading this book because if you try to communicate with someone and the conversation makes no sense, they become hostile, angry, blaming, accusatory, demeaning, chances are they are operating out of "Power Over".  You can never win, or even have a sensible discussion.  Often the "conversation" ends with something like "Just drop it!  There is no point talking to you!"  No, you are not crazy.  This is a case of 2 people operating out of two very different realities.

  eniale,

Thank you, would like to give it a read. Gathering knowledge helps us to recognize unhealthy behavior and situations at an early stage.

I wish I was aware of this 2 years ago, I would have saved myself from getting into a toxic r/s.

Yes.

Once the charming, seductive, superficial shallow fragile glib of a mask is dropped many BPD's get their needs met by pulling out their arsenal of control tactics: control, manipulation, bullying, gas lighting, triangulating (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0), insults and passive aggressive behavior. Breaking us down is all about controlling those puppet strings because they cannot handle the thought of us walking away once we get to know the REAL them. So in many ways they do their best to weaken your esteem and self-worth (because we allowed it) until you are a shadow of yourself.

My BPDexbf was really the jealous controlling type (definitely mixed with strong Narc Traits) and I thought he behaved that way because he was so passionate about me and he cared. That was my fantasy dreaming. But nope. Turns out he was an insane control freak and his number one fear was getting dumped being abandoned as I got to see the real him: self-centred, entitled, impulsive, reckless and a world-class liar. My needs were a bother to him. His empathy the size of a grape tomato. His paranoia and distortions... . all to misalign me.

In his reality=all about him and training me to make it all about him.

My reality=devastation and the realization that I fell in love with a truly sick human being. An emotional narcissist.

I also recommend: "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Geared more towards women who have been abused by Borderline males.

Thanks for the book recommendation Eniale.

I read the Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel, it was easy to understand and very informative. It is written to help the victim of abuse and the abuser and it helps you if you want to work on the relationship or you need help leaving it. It gives you the questions to answer etc, the book is like you have your own therapist.