BPDFamily.com

Hi all.

I have a question that I am not sure has been asked before or if anyone knows an answer for sure.  My ex UdBPD split 6 months ago and she had definitely painted me black. AS we are finalizing my divorce.  This had been difficult for me to deal with but my question is there are times I think she reaches out to me for no apparent reason to ask the same exact questions on the divorce that I answered already.  Always making it seem like this is the best thing to do but I don't understand why we need to communicate the smae thing every week or so till we get this finalized. My question and my gut feeling tells me maybe there is part of her that might paint me white again?  Sometimes it scares me thinking that and sometimes it makes me hopeful but I know I need to stay the course. So the qquestion is can they paint you white again?

Could be a lot of things. Many times pwBPD go back and forth on how they feel, same as anyone else, but with the added twist that they really need someone in their life. If they have a supply of someone (anyone)... . they can be seem very strong and sure of themselves... . however when they don't have anyone close to them, their lack of self causes issues and they can go back and forth like a flag getting blown around in the wind.

Divorce is hard on people, I have been through it and wouldn't wish it on anyone. If you were painted black it was probably her just lashing out at you because she was mad at the time. Then some time passes and the mood changes a bit, but if your pwBPD is truly a pwBPD... . you should have some kind of intervention before going back in to the r/s... . people do so, but after reading thousands of posts... . yet to really find someone that felt it turned out well and made them happy. I was in/out of a r/s with a pwBPD for about 4 yrs total time, but spread out over 30 yrs of time... . and no good came of it, lost my business, my family, a good job, and most of my respect for myself as a result of it... . eventually found that the lying meant she had no integrity and that I found myself trying to rationalize being with her and couldn't. The primary person in my life can't be a giant liar... . untrustworthy, and unstable.

If you decide to recycle and try it again, keep in mind, that each time you recycle... . the good times are shorter, the bad times are worse/more intense and in my case were off by an order of magnitude from what I imagined. I would think... . man I miss her, how bad could it be, I would love to be back in bed with her, etc... . and then would get weak and give in. The good times would come and then go quickly... . and back to the horrible stuff... . and it just kept getting worse. It was accepting the reality of what she was and did and giving up on rationalizing her actions for her... . that finally let me let her go.

May not be what you needed to hear... . but short version... . YES they can paint you white again ... . and if you bite, you can be painted black and then white and then black, over and over. Its a nasty cycle.

Thanks for the input. I do feel like I never want to go back but I do know if I did recycle it would have to be with a lot of help for me, for her and for us. Meaning individual therapy and couples therapy.  But I know she will never go for this. I don't ever see her accepting the fact she needs help. So with that said I fell good I will not recycel ever.

Absolutely.  My H has painted me black and painted me white thousands of times over 30 years.  It's crazy.  When I'm painted black, he tells me and sometimes others that I'm the most horrible person in the world.  Then, when I'm white, I'm the smartest most wonderful person in the world.  However, the people who've heard that I'm horrible aren't usually the same people who hear that I'm wonderful. lol  

When I'm painted black, H is absolutely convinced that I'm "out of his life."  He can't imagine feeling anything different.  I find it very odd that he's not able to process that he's done this 1000's of times.  He doesn't think, "uh, I'm angry, but I know that will pass."   No, each time it's a memory-less system.  Each time he thinks, "this is it. she's evil and I want her out of my life."

The problem with pwBPD is that what they feel at that moment is the only truth to them, regardless of what they felt yesterday and what they may feel tomorrow.

Yeah I have been through the balck and white of the relationship for five years but I was wondering if after 6months, a year or of NC or being painted Black all of a sudden you are painted white again.  But from the perspective you put it in I guess it seems possible there memory will easily forget the bad and can remember the good and paint us white again.  Time probably makes no difference.