BPDFamily.com

For those of you who remember me, last year I was trying to save my marriage.

In January she had me arrested, and last Wednesday I pleaded guilty to a violation which meant no crim record and now only a limited order of protection.

Sadly, and happily, I filed for divorce today. Whether I could live with her behavior or not, I cannot go back to the house under a limited order of protection.

Even during the order of protection when I had visitation she called the police two or three times.

To go back to the house would have been a very dysfunctional way to go.

Sad, because in a way I see past the sickness. We had six kids together!

Happily because to free from the abuse is a happy moment.

For sure there are challenges to come.

And I will write about them next time. Mainly they include money, kids and custody... .

 

Did you file requesting custody?  As I recall she's done a poor job parenting, right?  No harm in filing for custody, not even if you don't expect to get it.  One thing to learn is that you don't ask for what you think you'll get.  If you do that then you'll probably get less. :'(  Ask for more, ask for what's best for the kids.  Then if the judge is even halfway good you'll at least get a decent outcome.  Besides, that way you'll be letting the court know what you want.  If you ask only for what you figure you'll get, then they'll assume that's all you want.  They figure most dads are willing to walk away, take a minor parenting role and just fork over their wallets.  You need to show them that's not who you are.  Does that make sense?

For example, I used to live in NYC aeons ago.  Every summer there's a huge confrontation between landlords and tenants.  Most older buildings are rent controlled or rent stabilized (some temporary/emergency law from the 1940's that keeps getting renewed every so often) and many rents are far below market rates since the rents are based on rent history and other factors.  (So if a little old lady pleads with the landlord not to raise her rent, landlord can't afford to be kind and nice in case her granddaughter moves in and then grandma is gone and landlord has a new tenant paying the old rate.  That creates friction, blaming and becomes very adversarial.)  Landlords say their expenses have gone up. Tenants want the rents reduced.  Can't blame either one, if I was the landlord I'd want extra money to pay my ever higher costs, if I was the tenant I'd sure love paying less.  So as I said above, obviously the environment there is very adversarial.  Hmm, just like high conflict divorces in family court.

Well, I recall one year someone on the Board said, "Both sides are unhappy with this year's decisions so that means we did a good job."  My point?  Family court has the inclination to not let either side feel he or she won or lost.  The officials aren't there to blame or credit anyone*, they are more than willing to choose a middle ground.

To illustrate:

  Timid Dad:

    You ask for 50/50.

    She asks for 100% full custody, demands all your earnings and wishes you disappeared.

    Court might split the difference and give you alternate weekends.

  Empowered Dad:

    You ask for custody and majority time.

    She asks for 100% full custody, demands all your earnings and wishes you disappeared.

    Court might split the difference and give you 50/50.

I'm not saying it always works that way, it doesn't.  But my point is:  If you don't ask for it you surely won't get it.  If you do ask for it, you might get it or at least maybe get more.  Another point to make is that you need to convince the court and other officials (social workers, school, etc) that you really do want to parent and that you demonstrate your parenting would be the best for the children.

* In family court, the misbehaving one generally doesn't have consequences and the properly behaving one generally doesn't get credit.

Last point is well accepted.

The answer is yes, I am applying for full custody.

As far as her parenting skills, I am not in the house to see for myself exactly how it is going. From what my kids tell me it is the much the same. No regular dinner time, not well supervised, very late bedtimes, no homework, not around, etc.

But all the court and CPS seems to care about are obvious sign of physical abuse or neglect. She has been very diligent about taking them to the doctor. She has been getting them to school.

Her leaving them alone with the cleaning lady for almost the whole weekend does not seem to bother anyone in the courts. So long as there is an adult in the house that is all they care about.

"I pleaded guilty to a violation which meant no crim record and now only a limited order of protection."

I think that was a big mistake,if it was a false accusation.Even if it weren't,that's going to be used against you from here on out.

She and her atty will stall,stall,stall, in order to use the order of protection to establish status quo.

maybe

but the violation is no crim rec.

If it had gone to trial and i was convicted, then  iwould have a record.

And that would be worse.

Innocence is not guarantee of not being convicted

I have the divorce papers ready to go, but I'm planning on waiting till after the weekend when I see the kids so I can tell them so they know what to expect.

One friend tells me I should think hard about it.

Maybe go back to the house and gather evidence?

I would be scared to do that. Even if I don't do anything she might call the police.

Once i file, it is going to be war my friend says.

What do you think?

It'll definately be a war.She's already proven that she'll file false charges,so lying is not a problem.

How would you go back to the house with a protection order? If she's there,you can't go.

If you had fought the protection order and remained calm on the stand,and she had no proof,you'd have been given a warning at best,I believe.

Make no mistake,you now have record.A protection order follows you.Have you checked to see if you can ever legally own a firearm anymore?I know in this state you can't.

It's already war.

File, and then Document Document Document everything.

I have a limited order of protection.

Which means I may reside in the house, but I cannot harass her, bother etc.

Going back is to scary for me. My friend says maybe go back and gain evidence from inside. But that seems pretty risky.

For now, I told the lawyer to hold off on filing the paper so I can inform my children over the weekend when I see them.

Have you thought through how you are going to tell them? Maybe start a thread here to get some advice from friends who have been down this road before.

One piece of advice I wish I had when I left: Tell your kids the practicalities of how divorce will work.

"You will have two homes, and in my home you will have your own bedroom, and bathroom, and you'll have a set of clothes here. Plus your toothbrush, your toys, your books. When you see mom, you can take the things with you that you want, like your iPod and favorite stuffed animal. When you're with me, you will take a different bus to school. It's bus #22 and it picks kids from the neighborhood up on XYZ street."

That kind of thing.

If you don't know the visitation schedule, be sure to frame it in a way where you exude stability and structure. "You will spend time with both of us, but we won't spend time all together. Right now, I am figuring out what that schedule will be. When grown ups are upset with each other, they ask other people to work with them to resolve differences. I am working on coming up with a plan that gives me lots of time to see you. When we get that schedule figured out, I will tell you.

I also highly recommend that you read Divorce Poison cover to cover, and then cover to cover again. Once your ex starts the alienation stuff, it hits fast. Try to get ahead of it and figure out how you want to phrase things, and how you're going to handle the lies she tells your kids. It's an excellent book -- necessary for anyone divorcing a pwBPD.

"Going back is to scary for me. "

Get back in there and keep a recorder on you.They'll play the "abandonment" card if you don't.

The recorder will be used if she calls police and tries to make a false claim.If she does this enough,bring charges of your own against her for filing false charges.

Go back? And carry a recorder all the time?

Two of the incidents happened in the bathroom

No thanks.

That is just too much for me.

This week my son had Recognition Day since he'll start middle school after summer vacation.  His mother was all bubbly and nice, I'm okay with that.  But it was her time until 6 pm and I was faced with repeated invites to go eat ice cream with her small group afterward.  I declined.  Fact is, I can't risk socializing with her because proximity can trigger her.  I figure she'll raise that in court next month, that I wouldn't share in special events for son's benefit even though she invited me nicely.  May even get her friend to say so too.  I already know how to tell my lawyer to respond if it comes up, that our contact and communications often end with her getting emotional, cursing me out, threatening to call the police and take me to court, that I felt I couldn't risk it and not in front of her friend who probably has never seen this side of her.

I have much less fear now than I had in the early days when we separated.  Police had to get involved often for exchanges, I know she even called 911 on me multiple times in her efforts to play the victim or target - her cell phone was on the family account that I paid until the final decree and I could see the records.  She made horrendous false allegations, often saying "my child told me... . ", literally every kind of child abuse.  Nothing stuck but she never faced consequences for her subtly worded lies.

So I can totally understand why you feel you simply cannot go back.  There is real risk, especially with the ding you have on your history now.  Do what you have to to protect yourself from more also allegations.  And sadly there will be more allegations.  (But record anyway, even from a distance, that was a type of unofficial insurance I depended on to feel safer.  And eventually I accumulated quite a library of threats, rants and rages.   I ignore most of it, but it's there if I need to reference any of it.)

Does your STBX know you are filing the divorce papers?  Why would you tell your children before you tell her?  Won't they go straight back to her and tell her?  How else can you time this?

"No thanks.

That is just too much for me"

Ok,but I can tell you how that's going to play out.

You're going to say "We can't be around each other,because she's abusive.I had to leave so the children aren't subjected to that."

Her L will say "Aren't you the one who plead guilty to the order of restraint?Look at her! She's a docile woman and you're a big strong man and you're afraid she'll be abusive?Enough so that you abandoned her and your children in the marital home?"

I'm just trying to help you Rewards2.Be prepared for this.I know it would be hell on earth,but you wouldn't be the first man to endure it,and it might give you an opportunity to use it to your advantage.

that is my concern. but if I do it without telling the kids then she will be telling them first, won't she?

There might be another option. You get the kids and keep them with you,then have her served,leaving her alone in the marital home.That way,you wouldn't have to move back in and be around her.You'd be breaking no law by keeping the kids and she'd have to request they be returned to the marital home through the court.