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I am not sure if I should post this here or on the leaving board, but I am really confused.  My uxBPDH just gave me $3000 to take our children and grandchildren on vacation (I asked for the money, and he is not invited to come along), then turned around and had a fit via email because he is angry that I will not pay about $100 per month for lawn care for the house we are trying to sell together.  I am not required by our divorce decree to pay, so I don't, but he can't seem to grasp that.  He paid no mortgage, repairs, nothing while I was still living in the house, so I feel like it is his turn to pay now.  This makes no sense to me.  Why would he willingly hand over $3000 for the vacation and then have a meltdown about chump change?

What does the decree say about the home?Who's supposed to manage upkeep while trying to sell?

Are you both out of the marital home?

Do you work?

If you follow the court order, and your ex has a fit by e-mail, you can probably just ignore that, or if it's very serious - like if he makes threats - forward it to your lawyer.

Over time, as he sees that e-mail fits don't get a reaction from you, he'll either stop, or you'll just continue to ignore them.

The good thing is if you are not having any face-to-face or phone contact with him, his fit is documented.

If he is narcissistic, this behavior makes sense to me.

He is giving you money to go on vacation to show that he can. It could be about largesse.

He is demanding that you pay $ for lawn care because he wants to be negatively engaged. Some people call it negative intimacy.

Yeah, staying engaged - whether it's BPD, NPD, or who knows what - is a pretty common thing, for both parties in this kind of relationship.

Continuing to use e-mail only, and responding only to practical stuff - just ignore the inappropriate stuff - that's a good way to disengage.

Marbleloser, we are supposed to discuss and agree on all decisions regarding the home prior to making decisions, and specifically mentioned yard work as one of the issues. The decree only calls for me to pay half the mortgage and utilities.  No mention is made as to who has to pay for continuing costs.  In the judge's rulings, he stated that my x is better able to afford these things.  As I stated originally, I paid for everything while I still lived in the house.  Neither of us lives there now.  No, I don't work right now.  I nearly had a nervous breakdown when he abandoned the family so suddenly, so I took unpaid leave.  Now I look after my grandchildren full time, so my daughter can work and manage a household of 12 (all family).  I have support until one of us dies.  He agreed to take point on the sale of our house because I was also partially responsible for clearing and selling my parents' home at the time.  I lost both of them within 3 mos. of my x's desertion.

We were having so many communication issues because this is one area my x thinks he can control that the judge put 2 pages of rules of engagement in the decree.  It is 27 pages long.

He does try to stay engaged with me.  He will save mail or other communication to send me on family birthdays or holidays.  He tried to start a big fight with me on Mothers' Day and another on my granddaughter's birthday.  He does this for every special date.  Last year, he filed the divorce papers on the day before what should have been our 33rd anniversary even though that date was 2 mos. short of the year required for no fault, and as a result, my atty charged him with desertion in our answer, and he had to admit that he had misrepresented himself in his original documents.

The problem with email is that he picks and chooses which ones he will answer, even if he is violating the decree by not discussing issues concerning the house with me.  I know he reads all that I send and listens to my voicemails too.  When we have spoken on the phone, he will not hang up on me.  He will just sit there and breathe until I hang up after we have concluded our conversation.

I do forward anything important to my atty.  My x is the one who has insisted on the email documentation even though I have used it against him repeatedly.  We have been doing this email dance for nearly 2 yrs.  Usually he tries to draw every event out as long as possible.  He does not seem to be able to control his emotions when we have spoken on the phone, and he will go to great lengths to avoid seeing me in person.

I agree about the narcissism.  I think it also may partially be guilt.  He called himself a low life and didn't want me to tell our grandchildren that he had provided the money.

He once told my son that the only remaining way he has to control me is through the money, but he has completely ignored the fact that I received a very nice inheritance from my parents' estate.  He is definitely delusional and paranoid too.

Why would he want to stay engaged?  Should I be worried that he is going to try to come back?

"No mention is made as to who has to pay for continuing costs."

Ok,from a legal staNPDoint then,he doesn't have to pay for lawn care.I'm sure,emotionally, you think he should,but I'm strictly talking legal staNPDoint.The judge stating he's more able to afford things like that is simply a statement,not an order to pay.

"we are supposed to discuss and agree on all decisions regarding the home prior to making decisions, and specifically mentioned yard work as one of the issues"

This is an area where he disagrees,so you'd have to go back to court or mediation to try and resolve who pays for lawn care.I doubt it would be worth the money.

Do you have any "consequences" in the decree? For instance,"If the parties can't come to an agreement concerning XXXX,then the parties shall immediately try to resolve through mediation."

or "If the parties don't agree to XXXX,then the "H" or "W" will be responsable for all legal fees to have this matter resolved"?

A lot of us feel compelled to understand why our exes do what they do.

I never found an answer to any of N/BPDx's behavior.

Trying to confuse me is a tactic my ex used to great effect during the marriage. Now that we're divorced, it's a tactic I can ignore. You feel confused because he's interacting with you from a place of profoundly disordered emotions. It's confusing because it doesn't make sense.

Yeah, trying to figure out why somebody does what he does - especially somebody who may have a personality disorder - will make you crazy.

That said, "Stop Walking On Eggshells" helped me understand BPD quite a bit - gave me good insight into how someone with BPD thinks.

One thing that you might consider is deciding for yourself what your guidelines should be for what you will pay and what you won't - your own view of what is right.  Maybe write it down, or share with us here, to help you get it clear in your mind.  And then do it - follow through as you think best.  If asked, you can say, "Here's what I decided to pay for... . " and explain it.  And that's that - you don't have to argue about it, just tell the court if asked.

I appreciate all of the insights and concerns.  Usually I ignore or laugh at his confusing behavior, especially when he proves himself a liar in front of others.  I do have boundaries.  That is why I don't pay.  My atty and I discussed it, and she advised me to never pay for anything beyond what is ordered by the court.  Once I start, it establishes a pattern.  It really isn't an emotional decision.  It is a practical one.  When he left me, we were living with 2 of our grown children and 3 of our grandchildren.  They have been unable to get out on their own, and we had been helping them for years.  When he walked out, he stopped providing for them.  He made them my responsibility even though he was the one who encouraged them to move back in with us.  They were not considered in our support settlement, so to keep them from being homeless, I have to help them.  I simply do not have extra funds, but he does.  This was already established at our court hearing.  I don't argue with him about it.  I stand firm, but he keeps bringing it up anyway.

We can't do mediation because he lives 2000 miles away.  He also refuses to answer messages from me, and he has not apparently been responding to messages from my atty either.  We may have to go back to court because of it.

The judge has already made him liable for some of my atty's fees because he has been difficult and at fault.  Whoever causes the problems that bring us back to court will have to pay the fees. 

I think this bothers me because I did not expect him to give me the money for the vacation.  I hoped, but I did not expect it.  I am sure it makes sense to him in some way.  As some of you have mentioned, he might feel superior for doing it.  I don't have the money in my hand yet, so the possibility that he was just jerking me around does still exist.  I will just have to wait and see.

My exNPDh did the same thing. Right before my vacation with the kids, I recieved my tax bill from  my accountant. It was MUCH MUCH more than I expected. I was considering canceling the vacation, and just doing day things with the kids. My ex said he'd lend me the money, trying to guilt me because I had promised this vacation to the kids, and what a horrible mother I was being! Actually I was trying to be financially responsible, and told him I lending me the money didn't really help because I didn't have it now, and wouldn't have it later! So he "gave" me the money - $1200.

I'm sure it makes him feel like the "dad of the year". I don't feel any obligation to him, or guilt. I didn't ask him to help. My dire financial situation was created by him because I had to buy a house (no condos or apartments here) when we divorced, and stay in the expensive small town we live in because we have 50/50 custody, and we agreed the kids should stay in this school system for their well being. Also, my support (alimony and child support) is reported as all alimony, so I have to pay all the taxes on it.

Also - he makes 3X what I do. His mortgage, heat, cable, etc bills are comparable.

Ishenuts,  I don't feel any guilt or obligation either.  I was surprised.  I understand what you mean.  Part of the reason I was short was paying my atty. for more work because of the problems that he caused, and that is still ongoing.  I also got hit by my son's atty. and legal fees for his custody battle because he can't cover them, and his father refuses to help.  He told our son that our grandson wasn't worth the money the legal battle was costing.

Just to let you all know.  I actually got the check and ran to the bank with it.