BPDFamily.com

I've been preoccupied with my flaws today and felt the need to vent to people who may understand and perhaps have some advice for overcoming them:

--Despite keeping a very organized work environment, I am incapable of keeping my apartment organized to the point where it's almost "Hoarder's" status. Attempting to clean makes me feel uneasy and I cannot keep the place clean after cleaning for very long at all.

--When people talk about their families I have to suppress an extremely jealous spiteful feeling

--I never fully emotionally invest in a (romantic or friendly) relationship in fear of betrayal or abandonment, keeping everybody "at arm's length"

--Although I have many friends I sometimes have a continued irrational "alone", or "empty" feeling

--I get an indescribable "brain fog" occasionally where I am detached from the present in a weird way

I grew up as the only child (daughter) of a BPD mom with occasional visitation from a narcissistic father. As a child I felt trapped and suffocated by my parents who were emotionally dependent on me in the worst way and whose contributions to my life were only detrimental (unless in their best interest.) When I turned 18, I packed a backpack and moved across the country feeling completely lost, terrified, alone, and devoid of my own identity.

Now 22, after an extremely difficult early adulthood including drug use, STDs, poverty, and abusive boyfriends, I have miraculously emerged successful, relatively well-adjusted, and passionate in I field I love, in a city I adore, surrounded by supportive and amazing people.

I don't hate my parents anymore... . I view them as having done their best considering their limited capacity for love. But now that I'm financially secure, I don't think I'll be helping them in any way. (With retirement, hospital visits, mother's day presents, whatever responsiblities children are supposed to hold for their parents.) Am I harboring resentment for having to handle my own life completely on my own? Am I valid in having no "family" feelings toward them?

How do you deal with answering questions from others like "What are you doing for Father's Day?" without completely bringing down the conversation or seeming imbalanced? Most of my close friends have very strained relationships with their parents... . I find it hard to relate to people with normal families... .

I just have these lingering feelings of resentment that I would just like to get rid of but I have no idea how to appropriately overcome my anger at the unfairness of the childhood I was dealt. Although my upbringing has shaped me into a resilient and hardworking young professional, and I am very happy with how my life has turned out, I am still upset about how hard it was to get here. I'm becoming the kind of person that wants to scream "GET A JOB." at homeless people. I want to accept other people who have had easier lives rather then be prejudiced against those born wealthy or supported at home. I almost feel better than my peers for having to overcome more than they did. That's not fair or right. How do I shake these feelings?

I know therapy is definitely needed but do you guys have any advice from personal experience? Have any of you dealt with these issues after being raised by a BPD parent? Thank you for letting me vent.

Hi lanaharvey,

From what you've said, I'm wondering: do you feel overwhelmed? Recovering from an abusive childhood takes time and work, and it can feel overwhelming at times.


Sometimes it's a lot easier to take on a task like cleaning up a large area if you break it down into small tasks. What's one thing, even if it's a small thing, you could do today? Is there a bookshelf you could organize, or could you set aside 5 articles of clothing to donate?




It's very normal to want what others have, especially when it comes to loving and supportive families. If you grew up in a house full of conflict (as many of us here have), it can be very hard to feel comfortable opening up to others. This is something worth exploring in therapy, as that can be a huge help.




When you find yourself detatched, what do you find yourself thinking about? Is there something that triggers this FOG?

You're a survivor, that's for sure! It takes a lot of courage to pick up and set out on your own at 18. You sound like a very strong person.


You could be harboring resentment for many reasons. I could see why you'd be angry that you felt like you had to leave. Many people are still very attached to their parents (financially and emotionally) at 18.

My take on feelings is that they're not wrong; they're your feelings, and it's healthy and natural to have them. What's more important is how you act out on those feelings. It's hard to feel an attachment to people that you don't feel emotionally connected with, even if they are your biological family.


Most people only ask to make conversation. I'm honest with people, but don't get into a lot of detail. "We'll have a quiet day, as my father is in [state]." Then I'll try to turn the conversation back to the other person... . most people love talking about themselves.  lol


This is where empathy comes in, and I think this is something else you might want to explore in therapy (or T as we call it). Remember that we're all responsible for our actions, but some people are impacted by circumstances beyond their control, like the families they were born into or illness.


I'm a walking ad for T. It has helped me really see myself in a new light and recognize that while I couldn't have avoided some things in the past because of my upbringing, I can change how I behave going forward. It has helped me process the abuse (which I didn't see as abuse, BTW), and look at life from a healthier angle.

T is a lot of work. I've left my T's office feeling great at times, and I've left feeling sad and drained at other times. It's worth the effort, though. I'm a stronger and happier person than I was a few years ago.

Thank you for taking the time to answer all my questions! I definitely need to go get me some T.

And yes, I am definitely feeling overwhelmed.

I can't pin down what triggers the fogginess. Sometimes I'll have whole moderately spacey days and sometimes just a weird moment or hour. It's like my brain turns into a cotton candy machine temporarily. Definitely something I'll have to point out to a professional :/

This fog you're describing sounds a bit like a condition a friend of mine had. He had this feeling of disconnection with reality and daily life in general. He said he felt like a robot on auto-pilot. Sometimes it felt like he was watching his life like it was a movie. He didn't literally believe these things, that was just the disconnected way he felt. This disconnection could be brief or last for days at a time. His therapist described this condition as "depersonalization." My friend found that exercise and meditation were terrific tools to battle the disconnection.

I've heard the same thing that Levi78 said, but it might be also looking at what's happening when you find yourself going into that foggy state. Would you consider journaling or somehow recording what you were doing, where you were, and what you were feeling right before the fog set in?

Sometimes I find myself drifting off too (usually in meetings at work) and just being aware of it helps me snap out of it. I find that when I'm having trouble focusing, doing something with my hands (playing with my pen or a bottle cap, for example) helps. Maybe if you touch/smell something, it can help bring you into the present.