BPDFamily.com

Anybody told the kids about the divorce before it happened?

Any advice, columns or books to recommend?

How does these lines of thinking sound?

"No one should live in fear of the police coming to their house."

"Everyone deserves to be happy."

"I am always with you."

etc

How old are your kids?  I wouldn't give them much reason (e.g. being in fear of the police) as they can figure that out on their own. 

There are tons of books for children on divorce such as When Dinosaurs Divorce that would explain all they need to know.  Then answer the questions they may have.  I think a key for talking with kids is to understand that if they don't ask, they may not be ready to know.

• Any such conversations with the children should be age-approriate.



• Be aware that your calmly presented logical reasons are likely to be overwhelmed by the other parent's intense pressuring, emotional blaming, skewed perceptions and distorted history.  This means you would need to regularly monitor what they express and appear to be feeling since you have someone actively trying to undermine your efforts by any means possible.



• Be aware too that the children may feel they're at fault, that they somehow caused the conflict, separation and divorce.  (Yes, it may be about them and custody, but they aren't the cause!)  They might not even be able to express those feelings or be able to put them into words.  You need to regularly assure them that separation and divorce are adult matters, not their fault at all and they shouldn't be put in the middle, they should just be kids.

Likely your stbEx is already running a disinformation and distortion campaign against you, a virtual war for custody, control and punishment.  If you have Stop Walking on Eggshells, read the section around page 192.  False allegations and blocking contact with the children are typical weapons used against us.

I agree that you should try to have the children with you when she is served, if possible.  There is a slight chance she might calm down before she next has the children.  However, beware... . She is very likely to try (again) to make you look worse than her.

Can you keep the children until the court issues a parenting schedule?  That's hard to do if you work since (1) you two have equal but unspecified rights as parents and (2) without a court order stating otherwise it's potentially a free-for-all.  For example, if you have the children, great.  But when you go to work, the children have to be somewhere, school, daycare, sitter, relative, etc.  All stbEx has to do is locate them, walk in and take the children.  It may be a free-for-all between you two, but without a court order no one else can trump the parents.  And most likely the police won't help you to get them back unless you have a written order from the court listing a schedule or stating you can do it.

My s2bxh and I were living together at the time. S14 and d12. I told hthat I'm divorcing him. Rage and blame big time. Next day I filed. Next day I told kids. the one with the cell phone texted h right away telling him what I said.   Then h got his papers same day in the mail. H was mad that I told kids before he did because he is so competivie and jealous.

One of his many rumors he spread was that kids knew about the divorce before he did.  Even though kids blame me (from h) for breakup of the marriage , and it was hell to tell them, I'm glad I was the one to tell them . 

I told them that mom and dad aren't going to live together anymore.  But they will still see dad. Calm but pwPD changes that quickly. I didn't badmouth h then but these past weeks I had to defend myself to them.   

Its not easy I wish you well.