BPDFamily.com

My second girlfriend used to abuse me; physically, verbally and mentally.  Her physical abuse was often laughable as she was so tiny and couldn't really inflict any pain.  I used to consider it "cute" in a way.  She was the "classic" external rager.  When I would walk away, she'd down a bottle of pills -- get the knives and threaten to kill herself.  It was quite a production.  After a couple of years, I went NC on her.  I wouldn't answer her phone calls at home or at work and she moved away to college so she couldn't come to me (no car).  I was free and happy to be so.  I never looked back, period.  She even called me, maybe ten years later.  At first, it was under the guise of an apology and to tell me she was diagnosed bipolar.  Then the conversation went sexually inappropriate so I went back to NC.  She had nothing I wanted as I was dating someone I would later marry.  She had zero control and power.

But something hit me today.  There are negative thoughts I have about myself, even today, that are a direct result of things she would say back then.  For instance, I used to sing in the car a lot.  She would tear me down (I am not a bad singer, if I do say so myself).  When I sing out loud today, I sometimes think back to her negative comments.  What?  Why would anything she had to say hold any weight with me?  She was a mean spirited, diagnosed mentally challenged person who was trying to tear me down.

It's amazing the control we give to someone else, even people in the past (parents?).  This is our personal power.  Power we should give to no one.  Nobody has the right or ability to make me feel bad about myself.

I sang extra loud tonight.

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We care so much what these people do and say because we care for them and love them.  When you form an emotional bond with someone (even if it is only "real" on your end), you value what they have to say, even if you really shouldnt.  It is no fault of your own.  The only "fault" you could MAYBE lay on yourself is that you picked the wrong person to love.  But I don't know that that is ever fair to say.

Very true recoil and interestingly the feelings of inadequacy I would feel when my ex would devalue me stemmed way way back to when i was child. In these moments I felt I had been transported back to being that little girl with pig tails in a pink polka dot dress. It would often flip and I felt like the parent... . Boy it was tiring.

I felt like the child and my ex the parent in these moments - interest how I didn't see the disparity in our relationship. I would much prefer no relationship than a parent/child one.

I processed my own trauma from childhood - I would never choose another man like my father who spoke down to me.