BPDFamily.com

How would they feel seeing us happy? And I don't mean the "I am purposely shoving my happiness in your face" type, I mean an overall feeling of content. Any opinions/insight would be very much appreciated

I think it might vary a bit... .

My BPDex?

Sad. She has said "Leave me and forget me and go be happy like you deserve" and "I want you to be happy no matter what".  So she would probably smile and wave, but I know it would kill her.

She knows the hurt she caused me.  She knows how invested I was in her. I'm not saying she would feel sad to see me happy out of feelings of remorse.  But she loved that I made her feel safe, loved, special, and wanted.  And I am sure that the idea of me providing that to someone else and not her would not set well.

I use history as a gauge of the future.

My ex was very upset that her exes moved on - even the ones she left.  She would ask, "Why couldn't it work with me?"  but she could never see/admit that it was her that drove them away.

When I move on, it will be no different.

Octoberfest & recoil - my exBPD has told me the same thing on numerous occasions but then during her BPD rage, well you know how that is, I was split black to a point that dating Josef Stalin would be an upgrade for her lol.  But I also know she did hve her moments of clarity, just play curiosity as to how they would react, I'm pretty sure they would, deep down, feel uneasy or sad knowing we broke out of their chains.

My stbx couldn't handle me being happy when we were together, so I guess now she would be very upset.

If I had something positive going on in my life (success at work, won something, a nice compliment) and told her about that, she would become very sad.

Asked what was wrong she always said it wasn't about me having something positive, but about her not having it.

My exBPDw had a fixation about my previous exgf because we were together for so long. She constantly spied on her facebook, was convinced I would end up going back to her then made it out like she was giving me her blessing to go out and find someone to be happy with. She never acknowledged that I was with her because that's who I chose to be with.

Even at the very end she decided we could be like Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, maybe find each other again in the future. All the time she was in contact with 2 ex boyfriends, a work colleague and even my exgf's ex-boyfriend trying to mirror them all. No wonder she felt so confused at the very end, that's a lot of people to try and mirror.

Her final words in an e-mail to me were:

"I just wanted to let you know that I wish things would have gone differently, I feel awful that I couldn't hug you before you left for ****, I do want you to be happy and find someone who will give you everything you always wanted and needed and won't fail so miserably as I have, I wish I could have known what you needed and wanted, and made you happy, but I did try with all my heart and soul and I do and will love and care always"

3 hours later, after I didn't respond, I was painted black, did a smear campaign and raised false allegations.

Patterns of behavior based on feelings (real or perceived) are a little easier to answer  on bpdfamily.com.  Wondering about a pwBPD and how they may feel is really a guess because so many factors trigger very sensitive emotions.

For example, if the pwBPD is in a happy/calm phase - they might not feel anything as it doesn't effect them.

If they are in chaos time, they might feel anger.  This anger would likely come out against whomever the new partner is - actually.  Again, patterns of behavior based on real or perceived emotions is how we became so confused.

One of the great lessons here is not to "assume" anything - just because someone looks happy on FB doesn't mean they are.  As such, trying to guess what anyone may or may not feel based on a perception seems a bit like trying to guess lotto numbers.

Remember in your relationship, you thought they were happy when many times they were not.

What made you think of this question? 

SeekingBalance,

I'm going to sound like a teenager but since my breakup, I have not logged into FB or any other social networking sites as a part of my NC and also my busy life. I have unfriended my exBPD but there are still so many pictures that I am tagged in, the posts, everything. I just don't want to see that. But I'd like to go back on it for a while. I'd like to recconnect with some old friends, see what's going on now that I finally have some free time. My sister (who lives in Europe) posted alot of family photos and such. Anyway, I'd like to put what's going on in my life and I know my ex BPD is bound to catch wind of it and as a normal human reaction, I'm curious as to how my BPD ex would react. I dunno perhaps it's wishful thinking.

You don't sound like a teenager at all - sounds like you are ready to spread your wings a bit, but afraid of the BPD consequences is all.

I understand, I too, stay away from social media - have hid most friends that were mutual and I remember early on not wanting anyone to know anything I was doing for fear of ex finding out.

Well, guess what I finally realized - if my ex wants to know what I am doing, she is going to find out no matter what I do.  If she is going to react, it ain't about me.

So, I keep my boundaries in tact, I live in the moment and if ex comes around - I will worry about it then.  We have as little control over their reactions now as we had when we were with them - funny, how true that is, huh 

My suggestion:  hide the mutual friends so you don't have to see stuff, accept it will be a bit painful if you run across it - but you only have to do it once, then it is over.

Enjoy your sisters pics.

Cheers,

SB

Seeking balance, you're completely correct. We really have no control over them even when we were with them! It's ironic and funny. Thank you for the good advice, I can just block or hide once and that's it. Thank you for taking time out to write  |iiii