BPDFamily.com

Hi all

I've been working hard on practising my boundaries and taking time-outs. When I do, I tell him when I will be back or something like "we'll talk tomorrow" (We don't live together at the moment). I feel I'm doing better with this.

The question I have today is how do you handle the moment when you come back/take up contact like you said you would? Do you act like nothing happened, all nice and happy talking about other things? Do you touch on what happened and your reasons for taking a time-out? Something else?

I've been doing a bit of both, stating why I took a time-out or acting like all is fine and nothing has happened. The one thing I have stopped doing, and this might be a little too much information... . sorry, is engaging in make-up sex. It doesn't feel healthy.

Good question.  I would like to hear experiences that others have had with this.  I have no clue whether or not to reintroduce the subject after a time-out, so I have typically said something like "I'm going to walk the dog and will be back in an hour" prior to exiting the situation (not setting the expectation for further discussion later).  Any thoughts from the rest of the nons on this topic?

I have found with my husband that its best to pick up like nothing ever happened.  Starting from a fresh clean slate with every interaction.  I also try to make it clear with my body language / voice tone etc that I am happy to see him and be with him.  It has worked well for us.

I live with my wife in a tiny apartment so the only "time-outs" that occur are when she's so upset she signs off Instant messenger while I'm at work.

When I get home I try to be as loving and kind as possible picking up as if I'm no longer affected by her actions any longer, but I did always try to discuss things with her to attempt to determine the underlying causes, knowing that the surface cause wasn't correct.  That was all before I found this site and got all the information I have read. So I'm not sure if that's the best idea or not, and it probably depends on what the trigger was, and the intensity with which your BPD feels about that issue.

They are highly sensitive and quick to blowup. They also can take a long time to cool down.

Regardless, after a time out you act normal, cause chances are they may be feeling shame about  what they said and how they behaved.  Also, Opening up the discussion too soon can ignite them again. So I wait for them to express an interest in discussing it again.

Thank you for your replies!

It's good to know there's always someone here ready to help

If you feel you need to further discuss whatever the issue was, leave it until sometime later when it is all water under the bridge. Not as part of the returning to normal process, otherwise that is too fragile, feels like a condition and can feel as though it is controlling

Thank you, Waverider