BPDFamily.com

Hi

After 3 months of break up hell with my ex BPD - 5 year relationship where I was dropped on my head after I finally asked him to move out - I have had 2 weeks of no contact.

Given the extremely bad way things ended I have adopted a NC approach.  Usual claim that he left me (which is fine if he thinks/believes that) but I a still reeling from pain and trying to comprehend the lies deception which have become apprarent - and the Jekyll and Hyde nature of his being

After 2 weeks of NC, yesterday he started commenting on several photos on facebook still left (photos I cant take down as they were placed by friends).  This has been ignored as I blocked him from my facebook.  Today he has text me that he wants to say "good bye" to my children... .  

I understand (from him) that he is now happy in the arms of another... . and in any normal break-up involving kids - step kids in this case - the issue of dealing with kids would have and should have been dealt with.

My children are fine.  Good grades, still doing well in their sport, we talk and have talked about my exBPD and we are all getting there.

I offered for him to say good bye when he came to collect his things 3 months ago - and he wouldnt.  No explanation.

Why now?

Do I give him the closure ?

My kids dont need the pain.  They are happy and see their real father (on whom I am on essentially good terms) every week.

Am I being selfish to resist this, or is this some sort of manpulation on behalf on my exBPD

Has anyone experienced this?

I have not responded to the text

Thanks for any advice... .

In my opinion it's a manipulation to keep you from moving on.

I spoke to another member on these boards and her ex used her kids as pawns in his manipulations as well in quite the same manner as your experience.

Always be careful and look after yourself first. You're not beig selfish and don't owe him anything.

THANK YOU

That's my gut feel... .

I spoke with a girlfriend who understands what I am dealing with - she said basically the same

I'll stay strong as have gotten this far... . I dont want to go down that path again.

I appreciate your response .  Thank you.

At this point I think its more important for the kids to have some stability.  He is gone and they have become use to their world being without him.

His entering and exiting their lives again, I believe, would do them no good.  As you say he had his opportunity, and blew it.

Its all about the kids... . He's out, keep him out.

Hi Mermaid!

NC is all about our healing and moving on from the trauma and pain pwBPD have caused us in the course of our relationships. It is not a punishment to them. Often we cannot explain this to them because they never have been able to understand our feelings, and it won't change now, after the breakup. In a "normal" breakup, sure it might be reasonable to seek closure for all involved. As we know, there is nothing normal about breakups with someone who is mentally ill.

Therefore, it is important not to allow them to play on our sympathies. pwBPD are boundary busters. If you give an inch, they take a mile.  They will test us by appearing to be reasonable and kind, to see if we'll bite. I know it's hard not to do so, however, we must keep in the forefront of our minds, what the other side of them is, and it's what made us run from the relationship.

You know what's best for you and your children. If you feel that maintaining NC is what will keep you safe, healthy, and moving forward with your lives, stick to your guns! I ignore any and all communications that don't involve the unfinished business we have, and when that's over, so will be ALL forms of communication. It's all for me, and if anyone sees it as mean or selfish, oh well... . I have to take care of me, and so should we all!

Best Wishes,

Val78

Thank you Iaelle!

You made a really good point which I didnt see.  

My children have seen and lived through this whole drama and he is out of their life too... . for their sake, it should stay that way!

Thank you Val78!

I appreciate your words.

As Im still in that hurt/dazed/shocked/angry phase, I am sticking to my guns, but still hurting.

Giving up smoking ciggarettes was easier than letting go of a BPD male !


Thank you so much for the support.  I know not everyone knows  what a BPD break-up and the emotional landmines that are left behind are like to get through! I wouldn't wish it on anybody. 

These relationships are very hard.

It was "easier" losing my late wife to cancer than losing my uBPDex.  I don't think people fully realize the dynamics of a relationship like this and the after-effects - the stuff they put us through, the stuff we put ourselves through.

I agree with not allowing him to say goodbye.  The kids are fine.  Let them stay that way.  My ex wrote my daughter a letter.  In a weak moment, I let her read the letter (my daughter is six).

After reading the letter, she looked up at me and said, ":)ad, I thought when people broke up they don't talk to each other anymore." --- Words of wisdom from a six year old girl.

By the way, I stay away from my ex's kids for the same reason.  It would cause way too much confusion to them for me to pop in and out of their lives at their mother's whim.  I would imagine they already feel abandoned by me (but it wasn't me that wanted "to take a break". 

Nope.

You don't "owe" your ex a thing. Do not lear the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt get the better of you. If you trust your gut... . saying "goodbye" to the kids is simply being used to keep his foot stuck in the door.

Two weeks is brand new and raw. You probably still have questions, feel extremely saddened by the loss and are confused to the nines... . but stick to NC and wait for the cobwebs to dissipate. No Contact is not punishment for him it's emotional space you give yourself to heal because you deserve to feel good about your life.

Hi Mermaid, Enjoy your newfound peace.  You don't need that energy in your life again.  To me, his request is just another attempt to create more "drama" from which you have recently escaped.  In my experience, those w/BPD crave "drama," and if none is available, will do something to invent drama.  Don't fall for this; 99.9% of the time they are just "crying wolf" in my view.  As for me, I lost interest in false alarms.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

My ex pwBP knew just how to get to me.  After breakup, a good friend of mine was moving away.  He emailed me that he "wanted to be there for me" as he knew I would be lonely.  I almost fell for it.  My therapist said "That is how he would suck you back in."  Suddenly I realized that it was HE who feared loneliness as he had yet to find a replacement for me, other than a long distance Skype relationship.  My therapist really opened my eyes.  It was all about him, him, him.  I guess this is typical of the disorder.  You said your kids don't need him, they have a good relationship with their dad, so if I were you, I would not take him up on it.  I would maintain NC.  The wound will bleed, then it will heal, but not if you rip the scab off.

Thank you

I am maintaining no contact... .

Damn breaking up with  BPD is hard work for us non's!