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What is it about pwBPD that they're not "into" holidays and celebrations?  I have always loved Christmas, the decorating, etc, but when I found that the entire job was going to be mine and he could care less about any of it, it lost its specialness.

During our 30 years together, maybe only 2 or 3 times have there been any presents under the tree for me on Christmas.  Each year, while everyone (except me) is opening gifts, He will say something like, "well, I guess tomorrow we'll have to go shopping for something for you."  What?  The same for my birthday, Mothers Day, etc.

My kids can count on many fingers (too many fingers) how many holidays, vacations, etc, that H has ruined. 

What is going on in a pwBPD's head?   If their emotional maturity is arrested at around age 2, then shouldn't they still like holidays?  Little kids like holidays.  So, why don't pwBPD?

BPDs are not good with change - unless it's one they cause or "control". Holidays cause a big change in everyone. Holiday change is the kind where they are not the center of attention and that could be what bothers them most, so to be the center of attention they cause a negative scene - negative attention is attention.

BPDs are not good with commotion - unless it's theirs, in which case they don't see it as commotion. Holidays are a lot of commotion, stress and anxiety for everyone - I imagine it's harder for a pwBPD because those are things they already have going on everyday. (Like if they already have heavy metal music going on their heads everyday, holidays add 4 more sets of drums, 10 electric guitars and 3 more loud singers - hard to handle at the best of times... . )

BPDs do not do well with buying gifts because it's too much confusion. And then they get mad at themselves for not being able to handle buying gifts so they project it onto someone else or the holiday itself.

I'm not making excuses for ppl w/ BPD. I love Christmas and I do it all - the baking, decorating, shopping, and big hoopla. I smile about Christmas just writing this. Actually, I start looking forward to Christmas as soon as the Halloween decorations are back in boxes - but, my dBPDbf hates Christmas and says I'm way too extreme.

Me too, like you, there are very few gifts and there is always some kind of big todo about nothing that causes upset and hurt.

Last year was the worst and I started thinking maybe I'd never have another one - but then I think, I love Christmas, birthdays and festivals etc. so why should I not have those things just because he hates them? He said last year he's planning a holiday to the islands this year for Christmas - he intended that to be a dig hoping I'd be miserable and beg him to change his mind, but I just might pitch in to buy him the ticket... . It might mean I get to have a good one  :)

Hi SadWife,

My husband has ruined countless holidays, birthdays, and special occasions.  I walk on egg shells trying to make sure there is nothing for him to get upset about, but he usually manages to find something anyway.  In my husband's case, holidays and birthdays remind him (often unconsciously, but he usually recognizes it after the fact) of being a child and his mother doing nothing to celebrate - socks for Christmas every year while he watched cousins open up great new toys, for example; a candle in a piece of toast for his birthday because his mother couldn't be bothered to get him a birthday cake.  It's so painful to deal with.  Now, I go out of my way to make his birthday over the top special so it's harder for him to find something to flip out about.  This Easter, he got on me for getting the kids too much candy, claiming that it was unhealthy for them to eat "unlimited amounts of sugar" (even though he buys them candy all the time and I try to give them healthy food generally).  He later came to me and admitted that maybe has acted that way because he didn't have anything for Easter as a child and maybe he was acting as a child jealous of everything I was doing for our kids.

In short, in my husband's case holidays and special occasions are triggers because of memories from his childhood and feelings of unworthiness.   It sucks.  Like the above poster, I often wish my husband would just go somewhere else for holidays and birthdays (like to his mom's house ).

You are not alone.

I agree that some/most of it is that they're not center of attention. In any situation, at a store's cash register, at a party, wherever, H will do/say something to be "center of attention".   I've had to tell him countless times that telling silly jokes to the cash register person is annoying to them.  One Mother's Day, we all went out to brunch and when we entered the restaurant, I was greeted with a "happy mothers day" and a rose from some restaurant staff.  H took the opportunity to turn the attention to himself by joking, "hey, what about the dads?"  (uh, your "day" will be in a few weeks.)  Our kids (who were in high school at the time) were appalled because it was just another attempt to bring attention away from someone else (me) and move it towards himself.   Our kids told their dad that he was an "attention whore" and that it was "Mom's day".



That is very true and I've never understood that either.  When our kids and I are having a "lively discussion" (not a fight at all), H will become bothered and we're told to stop.  I have a BPD Sister in law who does the same thing when her kids and her H have a "lively discussion".

However, H (and my SIL) can scream at the top of their lungs over NOTHING and that's supposedly ok.   


ok, I can see that. 


It may be confusion or it could just be that it just doesn't enter their minds that someone's Bday is coming up and they need to do something for it. 



Oh, very sad!  Sounds like his mom had some kind of disorder as well.

My H's mom always made a big deal out of Bdays and Christmas.  She insisted on buying EVERYTHING on her kids' lists... . every toy, every accessory,, EVERYTHING.   So, H isn't suffering from any "bad memories."

I do have a friend whose H is really bad about holidays.  His mom told my friend that when her H was a young boy, he'd sit in the corner with a magazine or something while his siblings put up the tree.  Her H is very good about tackling big home projects/repairs, so his lack of interest is strictly holiday-related.

when it's their show . uBPDw 35yrs often compared to matha stewart and kept a home that reflected martha . xmas, birthdays ,

and halloween was a spectacle.she was center stage. gifts for any and all . it was part of her mask as a moral, successful part of the community and great mother . unfortunatelly she had multiple infidelities , lies , using her son to unknowingly providing cover for men friends. many traits of BPD since sexual abuse at age 4.

This is interesting. I just made a post "Warning Signs" and one of the ones I listed was that she ruined every significant day, and never took the time to buy or make anything for me

Gisteve... .

I think I made a thread a short time ago about Red Flags in the Staying or Leaving forum.  You might want to look there for people's posts.

Here it is:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198667.0

Checking it out now... . thank you

Wow, ya know I feel relieved in a weird way that others know what this is like.  For three years I haven't had one holiday that hasn't been ruined.  I don't even think we have spent one Valentine's Day together.  Seriously.

I used to joke with him that we might get through the smaller holidays, such as St. Patrick's Day.  This is before I knew what I was dealing with.

He painted me black (again) on Memorial Day.  After a MAJOR panic attack, I've stayed away.

I've come to the conclusion that pwBPD do best when every day is "the same".  That means that if they work a M-F job, then each of those days should be the same.  Same routine.  If they have weekends off, then each Sat and Sun should be the same.   If each Saturday they go to the gym, etc, and have down time, then that's what they need.  If each Sunday is more personal time, then that's what they need.

The only "holiday" that he went AWOL on was Valentine's Day and our Anniversary. I guess in essence this says a lot. Maybe too love oriented holidays? I dont really know.

But every other holiday he was great.

Did he buy gifts for the other holidays?

My H also has NPD traits, so he's very self-centered.  He'll spend time "prepping and cleaning" his golf clubs for an outing, but would never do that to clean a bathroom for guests coming over. 

As for gift-giving, I think that because H thinks that I never do enough for him so I don't deserve any gifts. 

Yes. He bought gifts for the holidays. He would put a lot of thought into the gifts he'd get me. Although on one of my birthdays he was going thru a rough patch and had taken me out for dinner to celebrate. Halfway to the restaurant he confesses he didn't have time to get me a gift or card.

Does he ruin the holidays on purpose? Do the holidays trigger some kind of past negative experience? It definitely sounds like everyday is about HIM, whether it's a holiday or not.

Are you asking me these questions?  If so, then:

I don't think he does it on purpose. 

Everyday is about him.  Absolutely.  Every once in awhile he'll act very normal and "do the right thing" by everyone.  However, the majority of the time, it's "all about him."   I know that when we used to do more "big family get-togethers" and he couldn't manage to get everyone's attention and "rule the event", he'd go off in another room and nap or watch TV.   His dad used to do the same thing.  His dad would either want to monopolize every conversation, or if that was impossible, then he'd either insist on leaving or go off to another room and watch TV by himself. 

I know bits and pieces about H's childhood.  He always describes it as rather normal, but with a VERY lenient mom and a VERY "my way or the highway" dad who could be very explosive.   H's mom was very permissive and would buy her children EVERYTHING they wanted on their Bday or Xmas gift lists. 

It sounds (to me) that H always liked Bdays and holidays... . however, I'm starting to realize that they were fine since he was a "big receiver".  I dont' recall him ever saying that he had to spend time (make an effort) to get things ready for a holiday.  I don't recall him ever saying that he bought presents for his parents, etc.  Throughout our marriage, I always had to do those jobs... . even when he had painted me black and wasn't speaking to me,  I would still shop/send gifts for his parents (xmas, bday, fathers day, mothers day, etc). 

His parents never hosted any parties or get-togethers at their home, so H never grew up having to "pitch in" and help with those occasions. 

Birthdays, Xmas etc are all milestone dates where everyone reassess where they have been, what they have acheived and what changes they wish to make for the year ahead. Borderlines find it hard to process change and live in deep shame about what they haven't accomplished.

Sadwife, how does knowing this change your perception or reality of your relationship? Is it helping you come closer to making a decision? Is it helping to know what tools to use next time a holiday/birthday swings around?

My ex was great at gift giving. He would give gifts to every person in his family for Christmas and bdays... . uncle's, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews, parents, siblings. But I gather his giving was a lot about being in good graces and being the good generous guy to everyone. I thought it was awesome of him to remember everyone. But Sometimes his list would be so long and it would stress him out. It kinda became expected of him to give every single person a gift. And with his personality,  he couldn't let them down. He would spend enormous amounts of money and then have a break down when the credit card bill came. It was like a competition almost too.

In your situation it seems like he was more into receiving rather than giving. But I give kudos to you for still getting him gifts without one in return. It truly shows your character.

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Wow... . I didn't realize that was a BPD trait.  For many years, even when we were dating, H would "hole himself up in bed" and call it his "introspective mood" where he'd reflect on what he hadn't accomplished and brood about it.  I thought it was weird, but didn't know it was a BPD trait.   

I know that NON's do reflection as well, maybe while in the shower, etc, but we dont' get ourselves all upset about it.  We use reflection as a basis for going about improvements. 



Yes, because now I realize that gift-giving (lack there of) is a problem for pwBPD.  In the future, I would tell my H a few weeks in advance that X celebration is coming and give him a list of desired items (easy to buy) that I would want. 

I do think much of it is just self-centeredness.  A total absorption of what they need/want is what's on their mind 99% of the time. 

My stbex always hated her Birthday too - one reason my theropist told me is that it is a reminder that she was born, and at times deep down I think she wishes she had never been born.  Also, for alot of us our birthdays and Christmas remind us of our childhood when we look forward to such events - if you had a horrible childhood this is only a reminder to you.

Christmas was also a huge issue for us - and come to think of it I beleive a lot of people with BPD don't have a true relationship with God (they may mirror one) but they don't know that deep loving God and they blame him for what has happened especially if they faced abuse as a child.  So what is Christmas? But a celebration for God through the Son - so they are forced to celebrate a holiday for someone/something deep down they have a hate for.

I don't think H hates his birthday at all (except he does try to lie about his age).  I don't think he hates Christmas. 

I think he just isn't disciplined enough to tell himself, "I need to spend X hours next week shopping for a gift" or "I need to spend next Saturday putting up the Xmas decorations."   Instead, he's planning his time to spend on himself.

Whoa!  I didn't realize this was so common.  I can't remember the last time unBPDH bough me a Christmas/Birthday/Anniversary/Mothers Day gift or let alone acknowledged it.  No cards or dinner, nothing.  My girlfriends are always talking about what wonderful gifts and special plans their SO has planned for whatever holiday and I'm thinking this whole time I'm just jot special enough to deserve that.  Ugh!

The last thing we celebrated was our anniversary last month.  He made no plans, and we celebrated three days late.  Every restaraunt I suggested was shot down until I finally named the place he wanted to go all along.  Then at dinner,  he wouldn't even converse with me, it was so extremely awkward.  To be in a loud restaraunt celebrating an anniversary with my husband, and us not speaking.  Every attempt I made to talk was blown off with him pretending not to understand me.

My dBPDh also ruins all holidays.  I am not sure if it is entirely intentional or not; sometimes I think  it is, sometimes I don't.  The period from November through June is particularly bad ... . typically he systematically has an episode on or around Thanksgiving (November), Christmas (December), New Year, my d10 birthday (January), his birthday (February), the anniversary of his brother's death (March), our wedding anniversary (April), Mother's Day (May) and his deceased brother's birthday (June).

My birthday is in July and usually passes without incident.  I guess I should be glad that things are typically calm between July and October!  LOL

Oh geez ... . it seems so SAD when written out like that ... .  

Blines have no emotions. They have no empathy.   Holidays and Birthdays are just another occasions for them to control the situation.

If they know that the occasion means something to you... . they will cooperate one year... . and cause total chaos the next year.

Yes, that is frustrating.  And, it's embarrassing when we all get asked what our partners did for our special days. 

I remember when my mom called me once on my Bday and asked what H had done for me so far.  When I told her that he hadn't even wished me Happy Birthday yet, she was appalled.  My family has no prior experience with relatives with PDs, so except for my sister (a T), all of this is very foreign to them.

I also think that because H would OFTEN paint me BLACK-BLACK, he didn't want to go to any trouble too far in advance because he suspected that I might be BLACK-BLACK by the time the holiday actually came.  If I was still WHITE on that day or night before, then I might get a card on my Bday or anniversary that he had just purchased on the way home.