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This is how I feel about life right now - hopeless.

This is less about the ex and more about me, I think.

See, I always thought love was for other people.  I'm rarely attracted to anyone, for starters.

Secondly, I'm gay, so less of a dating pool out there for me. 

Thirdly, I'm quite a complex personality, ditzy yet intelligent, introverted yet extroverted, spontaneous yet like routine, etc etc.  People find that difficult I think, as I am so all over the map.

Add in the fact that I witnessed a horribly nasty parental divorce, and had 2 step mothers (one was nice but had severe mental health problems, and was an alcoholic and the other was a nasty piece of work, I think she actually had BPD now I know what it is!) and I guess you can understand why I have never had proper relationships before I met my ex.

Thing is, she was a bit of a broken person too.  Kindred spirits, I guess.  Both really grateful we found each other, as neither of us had had much luck relationship wise.  It seemed too perfect, too magical.  But I started to believe in love. I thanked God every day for bringing me my perfect.

But now I'm alone, and can't ever see that changing. I'm getting a bit sick of people saying "Oh you'll find somebody!".  I might, but I can't see it. That's gut instinct, and just knowing who I am.

We used to say that we were so lucky we found each other, and how perfect it was, how we both now understood what love was, and we both never thought we'd find it.  We're not kids, we're late twenties and early thirties.

She's happy though, with her new gf.  Head over heels, it seems. I caved tonight and looked at her gfs/fiancees fb wall (her security settings aren't that high, so I can see a few things but not all).  Lovey dovey messages from my ex, similar to the ones I used to get when we were at the giddy heights of love.  Except at this point, for us (time wise) things were starting to go downhill.  Yet it seems that her new gf is amazing and catering to all her needs, so she hasn't yet been triggered.

Which of course makes me feel like I'm the failure, as I let her down.  I didn't reassure her enough, I didn't make her feel safe.  I detached towards the end, as I found out about some of her past lies.  So she ran into the new girls arms.  It was never about sex, it isn't that important to her. It's about feeling safe and loved.  So I failed.

I should have loved her unconditionally, I shouldn't have been upset about past lies.  I should have judged her on the way she treated ME, which was beautiful.

I feel that I deserve to be alone, I didn't do enough.  She doesn't deserve to be this happy though, after her awful behaviour during and after our split... . yet her life seems perfect. 

I know it could be said "Oh that's just fb, it's not real" but I know her.  Trust me, when her life isn't going well, EVERYONE knows about it on fb... . so if she's writing lovey-dovey messages on her gfs wall, then it's going well.

Why does it bother me so much?  Because I feel bitter.  She made me feel like we were two of a kind, she sold me the dream, I allowed myself to dare think I could have the normal things that other people have - a marriage, a family, a home... . and then she took them all away.  And she's having them with somebody else.

I'll never commit suicide, ever.  I have too many people who care about me. But to be honest, life just feels meaningful and pointless.  I never realised it before I met her, as it was all I knew, to be single.  I thought I was happy, but now I know what true happiness is, from being with my girl, I realise how empty my life was back then.

So now it just feels even more hollow.  I go out, I spend time with friends, I do hobbies. But it's just going through the motions.  I long to have that connection again, I long to be special to somebody, I long for somebody to just cuddle at night. But I don't do meaningless relationships.

I'm scared I will never feel complete again. (Oh, and my life is very complete, I know who I am, I am confident, self-assured etc, it's not about low self-esteem).

I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel better again... . I just hate these set-backs. They make me worried that whenever I feel better, it is just an illusion.

I don't know how to feel better... . I stay busy, but then it just hits me as soon as I have any downtime!

HI mango_flower

so much of your post resonates with me.  I can't say a lot (which is unusual as I seem to alwasy write too much) because you've put into words so much of what I feel.

it feels so unfair to have found something you never even knew you wanted and then to have it so cruelly snatched away by the one person you thought would never do that.  To watch them go and live that life with someone else just makes it so much worse.

I can't offer words of 'it'll get better;you'll find something better etc" because I'm kind of in a similar place to you right now.  I do know I'm better off out of my relationship as it was - but so hard to let go of what it felt like at times and what I thought it would be in future.

So sorry you are feeling so lonely.  But one thing you said resonated with me:

"Why does it bother me so much?  Because I feel bitter.  She made me feel like we were two of a kind, she sold me the dream, I allowed myself to dare think I could have the normal things that other people have - a marriage, a family, a home... . and then she took them all away.  And she's having them with somebody else."

I get the part about the sadness you feel because she made you feel you were two of a kind.  My ex said "I want us to belong to each other for the rest of our lives" and that meant more to me than words could ever say.  It hurt so much at first because I took those words, all those promises, personally, I thought they meant something.  They meant nothing as he has no sense of himself and will mean what he says when he says it, but a day later he changes.  That is how unstable he is.  His words/promises mean nothing.  They meant nothing for me and they will mean nothing for any other woman unfortunate enough to believe him.  You must face reality about what this disorder really is.

Where I disagree with you is when you said "And she's having them with somebody else."  My ex told me "I met someone else... . " and I could very well feel as bitter as you do, but after researching, reading, and talking with a good therapist, I realize that this new woman will never be enough for him either, as he is a bottomless pit.  I would bet the rent that your ex will not "live happily ever after" with her new love.  If she is truly a pwBPD, it is not in the cards for her.  So now, when I think of my ex, I see myself as just another woman in his long, grey line of women, his many relationships.  Yes, it hurts that I was "just another meal in his food chain" but somehow realizing that helps me from taking it personally. 

She sold you the dream, now you must realize that you bought something that was worthless, AND IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  A person with BPD can be very convincing when you know nothing about the disorder.  Now you must educate yourself.  "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."  You will start to feel better when you realize she sold you a dream wrapped up in a fancy package, it looked so good & made you so happy.  But she has nothing to offer anyone else but the same empty, meaningless dream.

Mango & Claire:

For what it's worth, I feel very much as you both describe.  Hard to lose something that seemed sublime when you realize it's unlikely to come again.

Hi Mango_flower,


It's ok to feel helpless.  Especially if you understand why you're feeling this way right now.  You are still reeling from the ending of your BPD relationship.  Perhaps, in a sense, you feel abandoned by your BPD loved one.  It is normal to feel hopeless after being abandoned.  


It is better to focus on you, than to focus on your ex.  This is healthier.  But for a while it will be more painful.  This is also normal.


Why would you entertain this myth?  You are as deserving of love as any other person.  Are you sure you are rarely attracted to anyone?  Or are you less open to feelings of attraction for fear that you don't believe you deserve love?  In order to gain some kinds of rewards, we must take some risks.  Before you can find love, you may have to risk feeling rejected from time to time.  Now is probably *not* the time to start taking these kinds of risk.  Nurse your broken heart first, and let it heal, before you subject it to some risk.


Dating is not easy period.  But, yes, being gay doesn't really make it any easier.  You might consider establishing a good support network for yourself (or reinforce the one you might already have for yourself) before you consider seriously dating again.


Seems to me that young people these days don't really practice the art of socializing and conversing quite like they once did (perhaps when I was young? ha!); perhaps they are distracted by all them new gizmos and gadgets that supposedly improve human interaction (think "social" media).  I think that only when people are better versed in the variety of characters that society has to offer, are they more interested in the more subtle differences between people.  Just because people might find you too difficult to peg, shouldn't give you reason to change who you are.


That's alright.  We all have our own individual trials and tribulations.  You are an adult now.  You get a chance to reshape the way you want your interpersonal relationships to go; although to some degree you may have to re-parent yourself.


She was broken too.  And part of her broken nature allowed you to see what kind of dynamics might suit you.  Part of her broken nature, allowed you to get in touch with your broken nature.  But her broken nature, by definition, does not allow the magic you found to last.  My opinion is that one shouldn't depend upon another person to fix what is broken in us.  We should depend upon ourselves to fix us.  Another person, might be depended upon to support us through our self-healing, our re-parenting; but they cannot be for us the parent we lack as a child.  That is a completely different relationship altogether.


It may be a gut instinct, but I think this gut instinct is wrong.  Some core beliefs such as "I will always be alone" or "I am unloveable" are just wrong.  It may take a great degree to re-parenting to change these beliefs, and I think you have this kind of opportunity before.  And I think it is worthwhile to changes such false myths, because if you don't, they become self-fulfilling prophecies.


Still kids to some.  No one knows the future.  :)on't sell yourself short by pretending you can see into the future, especially if the future you think you see is bleak.  Take a look into that crystal ball, later, after you've spent sometime taking care of yourself, when your feelings are more available to positive and hopeful ones.


She's happy, just as she was happy when you two first connected.  And she will repeat her cycle.  Granted it won't be exactly the same.  But her core issues are still there.  Her core issues don't magically disappear as much as she'd like that to be true.  Just as your core issues won't resolve without some effort on your part.  Her choice is to repeat her experience.  You don't see that now, because she now live a life separate from you.  But if she's like any of the BPD loved talked about here in these forums, you can be certain that her disordered feelings will turn up again.  And she will repeat her cycle.


I think you're being to hard on yourself.  Actually I kind of wonder if you're projecting a wee bit.

You feel like you're a failure because you let her down?  Who let who down?  Who took actions that resulted in the harming of the other (i.e., not safe)?    You detached from her because she wasn't acting in a "safe" (for you) manner.  You were (justly) protecting yourself from her lies.  And then she proved you right by running into a new girl's arms.  If she suffers from BPD, she will never feel safe and loved (at the same time) for very long.  

If you failed at anything, you failed at curing her of her disorder.  Which is what she wanted you to do.  Which is what she thinks the new girl has done.  But you couldn't.  And she can't Because your ex needs to find a way to fix herself.


If you loved her unconditionally, you would have made yourself even more vulnerable and be hurt more grievously than you already are.  


These don't sound like very validating and compassionate thoughts.  You "deserve to be alone"?  You "didn't do enough"?  One does not take care of oneself by being one's own worst critic.  They sound like the voices that have been programmed into you by perhaps parental figures who have failed you in teaching you how to take care of yourself.


Then you learned a valuable lesson.  You got a taste of what happiness could be like and I hope that is a motivator for you.  You can be the architect of your future happiness, if you endeavor to build it.  But first you must demolish the myths that you believed of yourself left over from your life back then.


Yes, but meaningful relationships to just spout out of no where.  They need to be first potentially identified.  And nurtured and cultivated.  It doesn't come easy.  It shouldn't.  The ones that come easily, disappear just as easily.

Thanks all... . so very much.

Just having a very anxious weekend.

I understand a lot of how I am feeling, which is good.

I'm sorry quite a few of you can relate to this - it really isn't fun!

I'm going to go and re-read these replies again now to really process them.

I appreciate all your words so much.

Thank you 

"If you loved her unconditionally, you would have made yourself even more vulnerable and be hurt more grievously than you already are. "

Mango - Scwhing, as ever, has some great insight. 

Don't know if it helps but I reconciled with my exH many times.  I forgave him for being with the same woman every time he left me because I believed his words about her being a distraction and I was constantly reminded of my 'affair'.  I was understanding about his anger and verbal abuse because he hadn't been allowed to express anger in the past.  I listened to him time after time tell me how he was struggling and would probably need to leave me again.  I can go on... . my point is that NOTHING I did or said made a difference in eight years of trying to provide the unconditional love he so desperately sought. 

I don't think a partner should love unconditionally.  This is a parent's role.  My exH could verbalise that only a parent loves unconditionally and we had a conversation about 'fixing others' at the start of our last reconciliation.  But his actions told a different story - his recent quick marriage tells me he thinks he's found what he's looking for and is trying to hang on to it.   I 'made myself vulnerable' time and time again and was 'hurt grieviously' time and time again. 

One other thing - I fall into trap of wondering why he's happier with new wife but bottom line is that he was not happy with me and he made me suffer for his misery.  In the end, it doesn't really matter to me if he's happy with her because he caused ME great pain. 

Having said all that, I am still experiencing the same feelings you are - 'worthless', 'failure', 'hopeless' - scary just how powerful these relationships are!    However, these feelings are teaching me that I am not as 'sorted' as I thought I was.  That the drama of our relationship has been my distraction - my way of avoiding the hole in me.  Just when I think I am feeling good, I can be struck down with negative view of myself.

It's slow going and I am so angry at times that I still feel this way - I feel that I am still giving him power.

You're right - it isn't fun that so many of us can relate to your post but I know that I would be feeling even worse if I couldn't come here and realise that I am not the only one going through something like this and not the only one having these kinds of feelings about myself.

take care

Claire

mango re-parenting isn't an easy task. There's a little girl inside of you, still. The hard part is truly recognizing when she is doing the talking and the feeling. When you start to feel sad and hurt for all those reasons from your past that you are telling yourself, that's her.

What worked for me was visualization. Sit down and have a conversation with her, that you are in charge now, the adult you, and that you will be protecting her and loving her with lots of hugs from this point forward. I have made decisions based on protecting my inner child since. This was another way I chose to assert my boundaries when necessary and to better know my values.

Peeking in on your exs Facebook is her too, she is leading the adult you to base your reality on past hurt feelings. Along with the love you can now offer this little girl, there is an appropriate amount of discipline that is necessary too. Don't allow the emotional inner child inside to lead your decisions. You know looking in on your exs Facebook page only serves to hurt you and you have control over this. The adult you knows this.

As with any child, it takes time for change and for them to understand you mean what you say. Give yourself time to get to know you better, things you like to do and such. Build your life up around you and put finding someone to replace this loneliness on the back burner for now. You want a life to share with someone not someone be your life. What do you do today that is totally for you that you wouldn't give up for anyone? Growing that list is building up your life around you, it's finding contentment and happiness in your interests and helps you to see blessings that you can count.  

Hi Mango Flower, I just wanted to chime in to say I can totally relate to what you're feeling.  I feel so similar. Believe me, I know.  (I feel like I'm the straight version of you from what you wrote.)

But I'm not going to give up on myself, or on love.  I keep remembering what Tom Hanks said at the end of Castaway, "Keep breathing.  Because the Sun will come up tomorrow.  And you never know what the Tide might bring in."

Hang in there

Dear mango_flower

I found a message from you in my inbox, I am so sorry that I couldn't reply earlier. I am still new in this site and never saw the messages. I tried to reply and realized your inbox is full and then saw this message.

Big hugs to you... . Never let the ghosts of the past make you feel inadequate or not worthy to love, that's not right. A failed relationship should not define who you are and if you are worthy of love or not. It takes two to tango and of course there must be times that you as a human made a mistake in your relationship, but a pwBPD is not somebody you could help or make them feel good.

As you said, she was in a lovey dovey phase with you too and then it also passed. Now she is fixing her pain with someone else, this too shall pass. Please don't get me wrong, I am not lecturing you as tonight I lurked to my ex's profile and listened all sad songs he posted, thou I don't even know if those songs were for me or the new girl he already added.

The point is they can be happy, sad, miserable, joyful... . it's all about them. You on another hand, is on the path of healing. It will take time and it will take hard work but healing a wound is always better to neglect it and make it worse.

Please do not let your sorrow to affect your vision, wipe the tears, take a deep breath and find your own inner peace. Stay around and keep in touch x