BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

It seems so many of us have such similar stories and experiences with our current or ex-borderlines. For me, these shared experiences have exponentially sped up the healing process, (I just moved out 4 days ago), and made sense of so many senseless acts by my wife. Lurking around for a while, I've noticed that people always refer to "warning signs" they saw early in their relationship, but brushed it off as a one time occurrence or was blinded by the honeymoon phase of the relationship. What were some of your warning signs of things to come?

Looking back now for me (I was with my wife for 3 years, 25 years old now) these signs were so glaring that any other person in their right mind would have left, but I was the chump to stick around. She was techinally my first gf, then we jumped right to marriage (for a good reason, I'll tell my story in another post) so the things that were going on, I normalized and thought that's just how things are in a relationship.  Some of mine were:

- She never really had a steady circle of friends that she could depend on. She was always jumping from group to group, changing her personality to fit in each time.

- She was always texting, twittering, and facebooking. Even when we were being intimate, eating dinner, in a movie theatre etc. there was always an uncontrollable urge to have her face in her phone.

- She went through my phone and deleted every girls number, and was mad at me after I asked her about it.

- I found messages to her ex saying she missed him, an have a happy valentines day (this was on our first valentines day).

- She seemed to ruin almost every significant day, be it valentines day, Christmas, thanksgiving, her birthday, my birthday, anniversary, etc.

- She is very messy and lazy. I don't know if those are traits of BPD, but in 3 years I've only seen her clean less than 10 times.

- She was extremely hypocritical. She would say one thing, and do something completely different, or she would be upset at me for something, then turn around and do the exact same thing or worse.

- She would talk to her mom, almost everyday. I figured most 25-26 year old women called their mom everyday, but I guess not... . it was interesting too that her mother was the main one who inflicted the abuse when she was younger, and still to this day.

- Usually people have a type of person they date. All of her ex's ranged from across the spectrum... . white, black, Hispanic, fat, skinny, athletic etc.

- She would uncontrollably shake her leg at times. Idk what that means, if anything but maybe someone else has seen this?

- Still to this day, I havent received any type of gift or card, for vday, bday, or Xmas, while I always made sure she had something on her special days.

There are so many more but I want to save some for you guys. What warning signs did you see and why did you overlook them?

First red flag could have not been any more clear.  After pursuing her for a long time and finally getting a first date then a second and on the third we ended up at her place.  I was determined to take my time and build a relationship before the sex bit started, we all know how powerful that one can be.  One thing led to another and I could not resist the most beautiful sexy woman I had ever seen.  Afterward while laying in bed thinking I had just won the lottery she said "You don't want anything to do with me I am a bad person."  That was more than a red flag, that was a billboard with red spotlights and fire.

So true. We slept together the first night, and she was also the most beautiful woman I had seen. I also wanted to take things slow but it was powerful indeed.  She stated something similar afterwards but I can't remember what it was.

The first week I started dating my ex, she told me her exboyfriend was crazy and asked me to block him on facebook.  I thought it was odd.  She said it was because she didn't want him stalking her.  Looking back... . I wonder if she had completely ended things with him yet.  Or if she wanted to keep him from being able to reach out to me to tell me about her. 

Don't ask questions about things you do not want to know the answer to.

Trust me, you really do not want to know.

Oh Boy ... . warning signs? There were a lot ... .

She told me her oldest daughter had gone no contact 2 years previously. her last words were "Mom you are completely insane". I felt sorry for her and re -assured her she wasn't (she was!).

I changed my relationship status (no mention of her name) on Facebook - she freaked out and imposed her first "time out" (those would become frequent). We missed a very cool play that I had bought tickets to (the play was a one time presentation of the Little Prince a book she had insisted I read). That really hurt - she was unapologetic.

She told me she had "complex PTSD" - I know that that is virtually identical to BPD

Her brother was schizophrenic

She said her mother hated her - when I suggested part of any mom is loving she went ballistic.

She had diagnosed her other daughter as borderline and put that diagnosis on several of my friends (projection).

She had been sexually abused by her uncle (or was it her father) and witnessed a murder when she was a runaway.

She told me that if she hadn't have become a lay expert in Jungian psychology she would probably have been institutionalized for life.

She flipped out on me at Xmas time when I dropped by her place unannounced bearing gifts. A good friend said "Run away - she's insane".


OMG! Who was the truly crazy person here? ME!

Somehow I thought my love could fix her. I wanted to rescue her. I won't do that again.

Noli

Noble intentions that many, many of us had.

Man it's crazy how the traits are so similar... .

My ex used to be on the phone to her mother all the time. She couldn't do anything without the mother. I didn't really care her mum was ok, she seemed a bit controlling, and manipulative. She would be able to influence my ex quite a lot, in a very subtle way, and avoid the rages (I suppose she had that when my ex was growing up)

But what is with that? Mine would jump from friendship group to friendship group, bad mouth them all behind their back... . But mother, she couldn't move without talking to mother... . What's without man?

PS. mine was emotionally abused by her father, completely ignored from 13 to 24. In my opinion mother facilitated it, by allowing it to continue in her household. All's fine now on the surface.

Here are some of mine:

His mother took her own life

He told me he was just like his mother

A mutual friend told me he had slept with over 100 women

He told me he had not talked to his grandmother and sister for over a year because he was angry with them

He told me the one sister he liked was just like him

He told me if people didn't live by his terms he had no problem distancing himself

He told me all his ex girlfriends and his ex wife were crazy

He would brag about how he put some people in the hospital because they made him angry

He had no real friends, he told me people get sick of him

He was addicted to online gambling

He was addicted to prescription medication

He told me he suffered from depression and anxiety and often wanted to crawl out of his own skin

He refused to talk to me on the phone unless it was an emergency.  He told me he hated talking on the phone.  Only text.  (This way he could avoid anything he didn't want to talk about.)

Also would get very angry if I showed up at his house unannounced.  He told me only crazy people do that.  But he would do it to me? 

I too feel like a crazy person after ready this list.  I thought too, that I would be the one to fix/rescue him. 

Well here´s my list:

-In the beginning of our relationship she still was contacting her former narcissistic boyfriend

-talked very openly about him and he abused her (she said) had affairs but still she took him back and even sold her house to move in with him

-accepted a lot of money from him and somehow jusitifies that in a way I don´t understand

-talked extremely openly about her former relationships and extreme sex life. Bondage and all sort of  things I didn´t want to know about

-said here exes were asss one day, and that they were kind the other

-constantly comparing me to former exes

-kept diaries and love letters in our home even though I asked her to take it away, actually the only thing I asked her to do before I moved in

-was in contact with former exes while our relationship including the narcisstic one

-accused of flirting when I totally wasn´t

-lied to my about her financial situation and I spent a lot of money and borrowed her

-had mood swings

-said I wasn´t man enough

-wanted me to be different to who I am... .   not enough like this or that!

-very jealous

-physically provocative

-contantly calling me I had mental problem

-had a child 17 years old and stayed in an alcaholic rs.

-has broken relationship and with a few douchebags

-some former bfriends are still in contact with her... . running into them and getting sms (she said it was alway from their side) Yeah right!


-had outrages

-when I broke up with her she couldn´t face it and has been constantly harrassing me and not accepting it.

-I feel under her control

-lost her mother 7 years old

-alcaholic upbringing

-over dramatic

-one day I´m the best, the next I´m not

-manipulative

-sexually very open

-9 years in therapy without any progress really, had previously switched therapist frequently

-belittles her threats and doesn´t see them serious

-started doing martial arts in my gym (so I quit)

-says she is adhd (excuse) ?

-lives in the turbulent live of her friends, one is manic depressive, one is a pathalogical liar and she really is there for them and I think it is strange why she does´t hang around "healthy" people

-making me jealous

-pushed my buttons

-still has a problem of letting go of former relationships

-one day wanting space and the next wanting affection

-never content and a "dreamer"

-broke up with me but then wanted me back after 1 day. This is 2 month in our rs

I could go on... .

And... . Now it´s the smearing campaign

Why I stayed and went through this... . still working on finding out why?

man the ex thing so annoying... . i had this. Mine had photo's of exes up in the house! The funny thing is, some other guy is now probably being driven nuts with tails of me... . obviously this will be smear/idealised, but it's almost laughable watching her cycles continue.

My ex-wife's behaviour on Facebook was weird too. She didn't mind about me changing my status of relationship on Facebook or making public nice pictures of our wedding but as far as I can remember, her marital status disappeared quite fast from her Facebook page after the wedding and there were no pictures of me at all on it either, as if she was hiding that she was married. There were even not a single picture of her kids on Facebook. Nothing about her life and family, nothing ! She was also hiding her Facebook friends from me. I never knew who she had as friends whereas she was lurking into mine from time to time and asking questions about girls.

I understood later that the more she was hiding her life, the more she could lie and make up stories to others online.

A lot of red flags I ignored. Its easier to ignore (in the beginning) when they are beautiful.

-Heavy drinker. Definitely an alcoholic. Would drink wine at 8 am sometimes. She would sneak about drinking from my liquor cabinet too. Within a month or two everything was empty.

-First date we ended back at my place and although we didn't go all the way we did go pretty far.

-Had ex's who orbited her.

-Could never be alone.

-When we got in fights she would call her ex. Sometimes right in front of me. She assured me they were just friends.

-When I traveled for 10 days 1 month into us being together she freaked out. She called me at one point and said she was sleeping over at her ex's place on his couch but that I had "nothing to worry about".

-Acted like a child sometimes... . like an actual kid.

-Very submissive but then rebellious as well.

-Her original group of friends seemed to have distanced themselves from her.

-Only friends with guys for the most part. Most of them are ex's.

-Always told me I needed to get my #%#& together even though she had no job and was struggling in college.

-Mom was kind of crazy.

-Dad abandoned her family when she was 17. She later found him 6 months later and asked if she could live with him because her crazy mom. He let her.

-Had inappropriate relationships over facebook. One was a 40 something teacher in Nebraska who was a pervert basically. After her and I broke up I saw that he sent her a bunch of shoes.

-Always so stressed out. Always needed a cigarette once she started drinking.

-Anxiety attacks all the time.

-Intense mood swings. Sometimes as fast as minutes.

-Excessively flirty.

-Very concerned with what people thought of her.

-Her sister told me that in the past she was basically with 2 guys at the same time.

-Hated her mom.

-Thought I cheated.

-Very jealous.

-Hated a few girls I was friends with on fb even though she never met them.

-Would call me at inappropriate times... . like 4 am.

-We each broke up with each other several times. She always wanted me back within hours.

-Told me I had competition from other guys. This was a few days after my grandmother died and was the final straw. (There were probably 100 straws sigh... . )

-I saw how each of her recent ex's were basically destroyed guys. One guy basically was left so crushed he became obsessed with p90x and bodybuilding. He was also short and I imagine she prob gave him a lot of crap about that.

-Emotional cheating via texts

-Actual cheating. I found out she made out with an ex. Who knows what else there was... .

-Still loves me even though she is getting married in 2 months

-Told other ex's that she loved them while we dated (found this out after)


After making this list I feel pretty dumb for staying as long as I did (5 months). But the idealization was that good and she was that good looking. Me traveling essentially ended the idealization phase and was definitely a huge trigger for her. Ironically her fiancee now has to travel a lot for work, sometimes a week at a time.

me757-

about 80% of that fits my BPDexgf as well.  Especially the stuff with the flirtaciousness, exes constantly around, emotional over text cheating and physical cheating, and the seeing two guys at once (happened to me. twice).


These people are sick.  The really tricky part is that she "knew" what she was doing was wrong, but "couldn't help it".  Like your ex, she needed that validation THAT BADLY.

She is also with the new guy now (which came about because she started seeing him while seeing me... . I found out and told her to F off, told the guy what was happening, and he stayed with her), but told me very recently that she still loves me and wants me back, etc. 

Puke.

It is all about being wanted for them.  I think it matters VERY VERY VERY little by whom.

Yeah, very sick. Crazy that my ex is getting married in 2 months. I don't know how it could possibly work out. I think she is convinced that if she gets married her issues (BPD most likely) will go away. I think it drives her crazy that I don't engage anymore - probably because she doesn't feel wanted like you said.