BPDFamily.com

I am posting this in the "leaving" board because this is where I should be, however I am still in the "undecided" mindframe. 

After breaking up with my pwBPDgf almost a month ago I was clued in on BPD by her therapist.  I ran straight to the bookstore, got a few books on BPD, thankfully found this site, which has been a god send, and have had my eyes opened to the absolute chaos that is going on in the now exgf's head.  The knowledge of BPD that I have acquired recently has answered a lot of questions, explained 95% of the arguments and emotional abuse, and also heightened my level of compasion.  I realize how I have added fuel to the fire by my defensiveness and lack of [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)[/b][/url], and accept that.  Still it is no excuse for the abuse, extreme raging, and blaming.

That said I could use some help and advice.  I am continuing to see the T that we had been seeing, and thankfully the ex is continuing with, to help to heal and work on my own issues that contributed to a "toxic relationship" to quote the T.  There had been NC for a few weeks until just the other day when I had arranged a play date with our children, through her ex husband, her son had to stop by her house to get some things that he was taking to his dads, she was still at work, so I politely sent her a text explaining that I would be stopping by but would stay in my truck while her son got his things.  I did not expect an immediate return call from her but answered and had a brief 5 min conversation where she thanked me for having her son over, our kids have been best friends for 5 years, and that she had seen me around and was working on opening up the doors of communication, although when she has "seen me" I was blatantly ignored like I did not exist.

The T had told me that the relationship was too toxic and that I need to work on finding a healthier relationship, duh!, and that I should start dating sooner rather than later.  The T also wanted me to work on a friendship with my ex BPDgf.  I am not sure how do do this.  I genuinely love this woman and care very much for her and know that she feels the same and confirmed by the T.  We tried being just friends once before but being around her and faking like it was just a friendship and ignoring my attraction and desire to be intimate was torture on me and her.  A large part of me wants to treat this as a break so that each of us can work on ourselves, but that thought process could keep me from moving on.  It would be so much easier if our kids were not such good friends because cutting all ties would be so much easier.  I am not sure what the T intentions with all of this are.  I am confident that the T has each of our best intentions in mind.  The only way I see a friendship working is if I am in a healthy relationship with someone else but until then I don't know how to resist that basic need and animalistic urge, SEX.  Which seems inevitable If I spend any time with her.  Then back on the ride. 

Hey Emotionaholic, Why would you want to repeat the cycle?  We've all done it, recycled and backpedaled, but in the vast majority of cases, in my view, it only postpones the inevitable.    Do you really want to go through another round with a disordered person?  Think hard about where this is going for you.  Often the tough decisions are the right decisions.

  Hang in there, LuckyJim

For me, in making the decision to detach, to run, to move past a BPD relationship the HARDEST battle has not been that with the pwBPD, it has been the one between your own logic and your own emotions.

Logically, looking strictly at facts, most anyone who has been in a BPD relationship will agree that it is not worth it, that they do way too much to hurt and jeopardize the relationship, that there is way too much disrespect, and that the correct road to travel is the one without them.

Then one's emotions come into play, and it causes the equation to go to hell.  Our emotional attachment, our love for our BPDSO's are what keep us there.  The realities of the situation say that we should run, while our hearts say that we should stay.  And the hardest thing in the world is overpowering your heart, because in a way it feels like giving up.

I truly believe that this is the struggle we face in trying to detach.  Emotions are as illogical as it gets, and what is CRITICAL in making choices like this is total objectivity.  Ever notice how easy it is to look at a friends situation and be able to make a quick, correct decision about which path they should take?  And then notice how, when it is YOU in the situation, "it isn't that simple", and, "there is more to it than that".

The reason we stay, and suffer, and kill ourselves for so long in these relationships is that we cannot get our minds to overpower our hearts.  Our hearts shackle us to our BPDSO's with empathy, compassion, and love.  Breaking free of those shackles feels like you are giving up, abandoning, or otherwise walking away from someone you care so deeply for, and who you know is hurting so badly on the inside.

It is a HELL of a battle to face.

Couldn't have said it better. I sign my name under every word... .

E, I think what you are feeling would be completely natural under the circumstances.

To reconcile would require both of you wanting to do that and then communicating about it.

If you wish to go out and meet others then there is nothing wrong with that - you may not feel like getting into another relationship right now however branching out and broadening your horizon doing new things is always a great idea. We need to build new memories for ourselves.