BPDFamily.com

In the last three weeks, my life has been through a terrible time.  My dBPDw has been suffering from black-out spells that haven't been diagnosed yet. On Friday, May 29th, after a week in a coma, my Mom passed away at age 79. We finished making arrangements and cleaning up things and headed back to our house. We arrived home to find that our 14 year Rottweiler/Lab mix dog was lying dead in the hallway.  Terrible timing.

Of course I fell apart. While we expected my mom's passing, but it was still hard. The dog's passing just about set me over the edge.  By Sunday, my dw was falling apart faster than I was.  By that Tuesday, she was admitted into the inpatient  mental health ward. She spent a week in patient and was back out on this past Wednesday.

Yesterday was my mother's memorial service. I am still hurting. The biggest problem I am having is that whenever I try to deal with my emotions my wife falls apart.  Not only that, I discover that what ends up happening is that I end up stuffing my feelings and not dealing with them. If I don't let my feelings out, she can remain more stable. Unfortunately, that's not healthy for me.  Even when I'm doing well taking care of myself, I slowly get sucked into losing myself anyway.

I am frustrated today because I was supposed to have a phone appointment with a counselor today. But there was a mix-up about the time. I discovered a phone message left about 1 hour before the time I thought we were to meet. I had asked about time and time zone when the appointment was made.  ARGGGG.

I don't know how to take care of me anymore. I have an appointment with a face-to-face counselor on Tuesday. But I am hesitant about getting started again. I've been there done that, but I never seem to learn my lessons. I care about her. I don't have any intention of leaving her. But I have to figure out how to take care of me without her going off the deep end. 

Between the grief and loss I am feeling and the stuff with dw, I don't know which end is up. I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone.

I'm so sorry to hear about all you are going through right now.     I can't even imagine the stress you are under and the pain you are feeling.  You should be able to count on your wife to be an emotional support to you during this time of need and the fact that you can't is so frustrating.  You simply don't have the capacity to be worrying about all of her issues when you are already going through so much already.

Unfortunately, I really don't have any words of wisdom, I just wanted to say I feel for you.  Going to see the counselor on Tuesday sounds like a good idea.  You definitely need someone to talk to. 

 

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother and your beloved pet. Many people do not "get" that pets are part of the family for so many of us. I still mourn my cat who died three years ago.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Wow, that is some rapid gut-punches from life.

Definitely go the face-to-face sessions. Get in touch with friends and family, spend time with them. Make sure you get some hobby time in. You need to recharge your spiritual batteries. BPD-wife may dysregulate and fall apart, but you can't help her if you're already apart anyway.

After a decent while, drop by the local shelter and save some poor mongrel mutt's life. Bond with him/her and that right there will grow more strength inside you.

My condolences on both of your losses 

Do you have friends or family you could share your emotions with?

I'm so sorry about your mother and your dog.  Must be hard to take both losses at the same time  :'(

I understand that keeping all feelings inside are not healthy, and I don't recommend it (you'll be like a balloon and in time will burst), but my question is: does that person have to be your wife and your wife only?  If the "end" is to let out our emotions and be closer to our pwBPDs, then I suppose you already know that sharing 100% of your emotions with her is not the "means".

Of course, we want our spouses to be our emotional stronghold.  But since they are not emotional capable in that sense, it may actually be a burden to them.  It makes them frustrated, then we will have to spend time mending that "damage", and it burdens ourselves even more as well.

Would it be ok for you to share your emotions with somebody else, other friends, counselor, T, whoever, and also are there activities which you can do to help yourself regroup and feel better?