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It's been 2 months LC/NC, with one month separated and one month since the break-up.  I requested NC until after my exam, which he did NOT like and told me I should get therapy for.  I persisted, and he has violated it a few times.  Each time unravels me, and his attitude around it leaves me feeling like I'm in a warp zone. 

The warp zone is this feeling like my experience, agreements we've made, my feelings about things, are invisible to him.  Which then leaves me feeling like I've got the problem. (no one else is upset/unraveled but me).  And also the warp zone comes from seeing that the guy he is in public - this dynamic guy who is so generous and energetic - is not the guy who comes home with me.  Not even close. 

We have been playing on a sports team together for 5 years (we started it to play something together), and since the break-up, we ultimately arranged that we would alternate weeks - him one week, me the next.  He made it clear, again, that this arrangement was something he would "do for me", but that I should get therapy since he wants to be able to see me in public.

Last night was my week.  20 minutes before the game he texts me to say "can I come out to play goalie - we're short guys".  Ummm - no?  How is this respecting our arrangement?

He is so dynamic when friends are around - literally the life of every party/game/social event - this is his forte.  Give energy, time, hugs, generosity - who wouldn't love that?  As someone else wrote - why would I want a ringside seat in that show?  It just reminds me of everything he gives to others but stopped giving to me a long time ago.  And except for a few close friends, people don't understand what life was like at home.  More of the warp zone.

I'm saddened because any hope of continuing on the team is gone - I have backed out of the summer.  Some of my teammates I won't see again unless I join the team.  But that requires me being willing to see my uBPDex, which is not in my best interest.  He has said "when you've healed enough then you can come play again".  Ugggh.  Am I the only one that needs healing?  Honestly - it's a warp zone all the time when I'm around him it seems.

And then - how can he just see me whenever?  Did I not mean anything to him?  Has he moved on, or is he hoping to keep some possibility going?  A part of my heart hopes this is true - and that's another reason I can't see him.  He would love to have my attentions on him, and I'm the one who gets burned in that scenario. 

Hey H4E!

I totally understand what you are talking about. Sometimes the mere mention of my exBPDh's name sends a shiver up my spine. That's not to mention when I have to listen to a voice mail or get an email! I realized this early on after our separation, and knew that I would have to take measures to avoid him, no matter what. Everyone does not need that, however it sounds like you, as do I, need to be completely NC, no exceptions, in order to heal and move on.

I also understand the sentiment about how others see him do differently from the way we do. This has actually been an interesting thing for me! Some people that I considered friends, still talk to him, despite what I've told them. Most of our friends have rallied around me, and assured me that my character enables them to support me, even if he portrays himself differently in public!

I think you've done the right thing by deciding not to play on the team this year. Maybe things will be different next year. Can you seek out a different sport, or play in another league where you won't have to interact with him?

Stay focused on what is best for you. Take every action necessary to maintain NC if that's what protects you from the feelings that come from interaction with him! Healing is about you. You must take care of yourself now, and believe me when I tell you, the further you move from the toxicity, the better you will feel!

Best Wishes,

Val78

Hi Val78 - thanks for the understanding!

It's interesting when you mention about your friends rallying around you - many of "our friends" have said they love us both, and as much as I don't want him NOT to have friends, I can't help but feel less validated by them when they continue on with him as if nothing has happened.  Does it not matter that he raged at me?  Do they not believe me?  I feel so petty and want to rise above these feelings.  I want to wish him well and be happy for him that he's got this part of his life figured out.

I do have a few close friends who weren't really that close to him, so I at least get some sense of normalcy around them.  But, as I said above, my ex was a master of generosity - so he's storing trailers for 2 sets of friends, does computer help as needed for another set of friends, etc. etc. etc.  Who would want to give that up? 

I get it, really I do! I am still having trouble with those who don't appear to believe me, and could be friends with a person who would abuse his wife. However, that is their choice! Humm... . we have choices too. My choice is to limit my contact with those (very few) people, keep it casual, not discuss the relationship with them, and to place much more emphasis on the people who are real friends. The ones who have been my salvation throughout this ordeal. They are the ones I want to be around!

Can you discern between casual acquaintances and real friends? I'll bet you can!

Best Wishes,

Val78