BPDFamily.com

So a few weeks back H got really dysregulated because of a vacation. 

Long story short: I suggested vacation later the year, he said ok, we agreed on a day in late September, I took leave from company, he got mad and said it's a bad time (because apparently I'm insensitive and I should know it's a bad time), he got dysregulated and left home for his parents' for 2 days.

Now... . he suggested the date to be postponed to late Oct.  He gave me a specific date, after which he would be ok to go.  I guess he felt a bit bad that he disappointed me (not that he will ever admit), and that he genuinely wanted to go on vacation (but he never spoke up about that previous date being not ok, or suggested changing the date beforehand), but I somehow feel... . insecure at further discussion of this.

I sent him some information, he seems to be ok, and now I don't know what to do.  I'm afraid to take the next step (ask him whether I should book, get my vacation dates changed, etc.) as last time I did ask him and see what happened afterwards.  I suppose there's not a lot of advice to give but I'd appreciate any; the balance between taking initiative to involve him and giving him the freedom and space to make a decision is hard!

What's worse, having a look at various websites tells me that there are many offers that will finish next week/ end of June.

Hard not to push him for a decision (I'm that type of person  ) so I guess sometimes I just have to shut up and let fate take its course... . ?

Here's an idea to think about in response to his unreasonable wigging out over the vacation... .

Would you enjoy a vacation without him? If so, you could tell him you've got it scheduled and are going on it anyway.

Also, do you expect him to be really OK with it and fun to be on vacation with in late October?

Grey Kitty,

If he doesn't go then I probably won't be going.  I think he probably has some sort of agenda in mind but he isn't telling me (basic things like how many days is he thinking of); or he is just really confused about what he wants and doesn't want.  However, I don't see how planning a vacation is remotely possible if you don't even have a time frame to pick somewhere from.  If you are only willing to go on a 3-day vacation, you have to tell me.  Otherwise if what I have in mind is a week-long one (because I have no idea what you're looking for, and you never said no), I will just keep searching for week-long vacations.  But no, of course he doesn't get it.

And he doesn't say anything.  As usual, he doesn't like to discuss, then accuse of not being able to discuss with me.

Anyway, I am prepared on two fronts.  If he says ok to moving the vacation, and we are able to make a decision, then I will cancel the leave I have taken previously (as it has to go through different levels) and apply for another period of leave.  Otherwise, I'm keeping the leave I have taken, and I will do something else with my time.

And what pisses me off is really, I don't care whether he wants to go or not, I just wish he'd tell me rather than keep leading me on!

 

-

Hi Chosen,

I just saw this after asking you in my thread what was going on with regard to your vacation.  I find that the more I involve my uBPDh in the planning process, the better he ends up being with the whole thing and there are less chances for misunderstandings (though they always do arise, can't really help that).  I ask him to sit down and discuss what we both want with regard to X.  This time, we finally booked a vacation because it was "his idea" rather than mine.  He took the initiative instead of me, and I just "ran with it."  (Of course, as you know, things went south afterward, though... . ) 

I think that if your H is showing interest in vacation you should use the momentum and talk to him about what he's thinking.  I know it's hard given his behavior last time!  Just psych yourself up ahead of the conversation and really make up your mind that you're going to "respond rather than react" if he starts to get testy.  You can't avoid vacations for the rest of your life because you're afraid of his reaction, so I think you gotta just go for it and do your best to use the tools in the process.  Worst case scenario, he freaks out again, but you came out of it ok last time... .   You're a strong person to be dealing with this every day.  You can do it!

  Daylily

Hey, good news, although the result was not what I had planned for at all:

Yesterday H was talking about vacation again, and I asked him about going on a longer holiday, and whether it would be better if we plan later go talk about that later.  In his reply, I could tell that he didn't want to talk about it before he knows whether his contract at work will be renewed (although he never explicitly said that).

So basically, I asked him whether it would be best that we leave any plans for now, until we know about his contract (we don't know when), and for the leave I have already taken at work, we'll just leave that for the time being.  He seems ok with it and I hope he is inwardly relieved he doesn't have to talk about vacation plans just to please me.

So... . for now, I didn't get what I wanted (a vacation at a certain point in future).  But at least there is less tension in that and also less resentment on my part, which gives me a sense of relief too.