BPDFamily.com

This is a preemptive question and one that I do not need to find an answer for in the immediate future, but a question that troubles me nonetheless.

I am pregnant to my uexbf. I have not heard from him since I told him six months ago and whilst I know things  may change in the future, I feel it's a pretty good indication that he does not want to be involved.

I never met his mother, but from what he described she sounded like a normal, loving mother. However, the perception I had of my ex was clearly wrong, so I know his words aren't much to go by. Going by the presumption that my ex hasn't told his mother, I'm wondering if I should inform her after the baby is born?

I have a large family and there will be no shortage of people to love my child, but it's hard to go against what I think I think is morally right, and that is to inform her. He is her only child and this would be her first grandchild (they have no other family either).

I want to do what is best for my child, but what that is is hard to figure out at the moment. I don't want to deny my child of someone that may love him/her, but maybe it is for the best given that I don't know her and it could be quite possible that she has problems of her own. At the moment I'm thinking that it would be best to wait a couple of years to inform her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Do you know anybody who knows her?  Especially somebody mature... .

I don't, no. From what Google tells me she is high up in her field (psychology of all things) and active in the community, but I know that doesn't tell me anything really.

Hi understated,

It's a very normal thing to feel these attachments. Her DNA is now mixed with yours. Kinda freaky right?

I would wait a while on this. There are a number of scenarios you could be dealing with and until you are well on your feet as mom, no need to bring grandma in.  BioDad would be notified and things will get complicated. She may push for visitation and push Dad back into the picture... .

Send her kind thoughts and wishes in your mind. Visualization is good.

Just let it be for now is my .02.

 

mamachelle

Hi mamachelle,

Thank you for your reply.

It is kind of freaky indeed.

I think you're right though, that it's better to leave it for now. As you say, it could cause a lot of different scenarios, and at least by not saying anything (at least not now) I will  have a little more control. I guess it's just hard to get past the thought that if it were me I would want to know. 

Hi understated,

I do think contacting her at some point is reasonable. I just think right now is not the best time.

Being a parent of a child with a personality disorder is not easy. If you look over on the Supporting a Son or Daughter Board-- you will see many parents struggling with adult children with BPD/NPD. Parents raising their grand children. Parents estranged and not allowed to talk to their grand children. Parents being treated much like you were treated... .

It's very confusing for her as well too I am sure.

I think waiting until the baby is born, you are on your feet, legally and emotionally... . and then think about reaching out. Coming to her from a stable place of strength is so much better than right now where your BF(her son) is MIA and you are so close to giving birth. You really need to protect yourself right now from all possible angles.

Also, many grandmas these days are often working nearly full time into their 70's. All 3 of the grandma's in my blended family are. They are not like my grandmas that really had a lot of time for hanging with the grandkids. So, I think once if you do make contact-- don't be disappointed if she is not around a whole lot either.

Hang in there and please keep us posted.


mamachelle