BPDFamily.com

 Long story short, I've been recycled a good 5 or 6 times now, and the end of each one is very ugly. Surprisingly, my udexgfwBPD has this amazing power to either seemingly take full responsibility for everything she did, or somehow, its almost like she erases her mind of it. Anyway, everytime it ends, she manages to convince me that she hates me, never loved me in the first place, and ill never see her again.

Well, after an ugly month apart, now she wants to be "friends". I'm 100% committed to her and what I'm wondering, do I keep her in my life at any capacity possible, thus giving myself more time to learn the tools to deal with BPD, and also in hopes that one or both of us get into therapy in the meantime? Kinda keep her around and in my life and just sort of ignore the BPD and let her have her way until something changes or maybe she outgrows it? 

Basically, a week ago she shows up out of the blue wanting to be friends, two days of relationship talk evolved into her making all the normal, seemingly sincere promises of love, commitment and working on the relationship as friends for now, of course I get invited to have sex two nights in, then again two mornings in a row. 5 perfect days of doing things for each other, professing never ending love, then Friday night her pill popping and drinking starts, and then silence all weekend.

I'm not sure if its the self medicating on her part, or the BPD kicking in and I got too close, but as usual, I didn't separate the behavior from the person, and I went off for two days straight texting her, further driving her away.

For now, I know exactly what BPD is, but I'm not sure I'm disciplined enough to learn and practice all the tools, do I just let her have her way till we figure it all out, like go to her when she wants, and back off when I see the need? Basically let the woman have her way till one of us learns to behave differently?

She is who she is.

She is going to have her way and be who she is no matter what you do, she is not something you have any control over.

What do you want? If this works for you in some way, you will likely keep doing what you are doing. When it gets painful enough, you may choose to change your responses. Like not texting her for days and instead focusing on taking care of yourself and tending to your own needs when she has episodes of withdrawal.

The dramatics of push pull, make up, break up cycles can be very exciting and adrenaline activating. A regular healthy relationship does not have all this juicy drama going on. Also, pwBPD don't recycle us. We choose to participate in this push-pull dance with them, or not, for our own

reasons.

If you're not disciplined enough to learn and practice the tools (and holy cow it's really hard for me) then you're just asking for more bad times and quite frankly as time goes on worse and worse times. You are going to suffer more and more damage.

Learning to behave differently requires motivation to do so. Letting her "have her way" and not setting boundaries is enabling her BAD behavior and doing you and her no good at all.

"Before it gets better you have to stop making it worse."

Take a deep breath, find some inner strength, and hit the Lessons.

This is really good advice Mono No Aware.

The thing that flipped me over to working on the relationship instead of just trying to keep the peace was the realization that:

1.  Either I was going to lose the relationship anyway because the behavior was getting so bad that it was almost intolerable

2.  That I had completely lost myself in this mess  :)