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Ive been trying to maintain NC since last Friday. Last night I felt on top of the world, grateful to finally be free from that ball and chain. Today at work was torture. I feel I am being ripped apart from the inside out. Everyone I talk to says the same things, run, get out, your kids are safe, dont look back. In my head I know that it is best for everyone that we split. Yet my heart refuses to let go. Today I went to the store and got a notepad and started writing her a letter with the hopes of keeping the door open for reconciliation. The thing that I find myself craving the most is the sex. It was spectacular in the beginning and always great after the make up. I have also found in my hasty retreat from the relationship that I have left some unresolved things that have me wanting to ask her about them. I feel like I am still being tortured by her.

Hi papawapa,

The feelings you have right now are completely understandable and it sounds like you have a great support network, both on these boards and outside of them. I do truly understand your position because I went through the very same thing. As toxic as I knew the environment to be, friends and family telling me I was going through abuse and even my own T telling me that staying would destroy me, my heart kept telling me I loved this woman and I wanted to do anything to make things work. Even to the point of taking on responsibilities that were not mine, seeking therapy for BPD (because my ex convinced me I was the pwBPD, but it didn't fool the therapist)

I knew too that it was best to be out of that environment but I listened to my heart, tried to set up healthy boundaries and be more positive. My ex saw that as a signal that I was going to abandon her, things escalated and she was the one who made the final push. Instead of begging and pleading, I followed through and now looking from the outside, I see exactly just how toxic the environment was. That doesn't stop the fact that I still love her but I have accepted that it is ok to love her from a distance.

As for writing her a letter, you may find that very therapeutic but you have to ask yourself, what if you don't get the answers to those questions you are seeking? More often than not, you will find that the only closure you get is what you allow yourself to have. Don't have any expectations of her resolving those things for you because that is still a hook. What I would suggest, which is something that worked for me, is to write those letters and every time you have those feelings, continue to write and allow yourself to put down everything that is going through your head. Such as the good parts, the happiness, the anger, the frustrations, the sadness and so forth BUT don't send them. Allow yourself to express all of that emotional torment and torture you feel by writing the letters and then look inside yourself to answer those questions.

As for reconciliation, you have to ask yourself what you expect to gain from that. If she is undiagnosed and in denial, it will only lead you down the very same path again. In some ways, it can actually be worse because in her mind, she has perceived the abandonment so what's to say you won't do it again? Again, it is something I desperately wanted for me and my exBPDw but on looking at the reality, neither of us were healthy and that isn't a place to be looking at reconciliation. Right now, you have to concentrate on you getting back to a healthy place and that should be your priority.

6 weeks of NC from my side and I really am starting to wonder why I stayed as long as I did. It isn't an environment I would ever want to walk back in to. 6 months from now, she might make contact to say she understands, that she is in therapy, sorry for what she did in our relationship and would really want to make a go of things. However, holding on to those thoughts keeps you grounded and unable to move forward in yourself. It may happen but it's more realistic to think it won't. So for me that door isn't closed, but I'm also not putting my hopes on it either. The only thing we can do is get ourselves to a healthy point in life, with healthy boundaries and a great outlook on life. Once we achieve that, then we can evaluate our own lives and where we would like to take them.

So sorry to hear about your bad day, papawapa!

It goes often in circles like this. Good days are followed by hard days!

Writing a letter is a good thing - write it for you! Don't send it.

And keep yourself busy! Your brain, your awareness got used to the drama with a person with BPD, so now it is probably more quiet. Our brains don't like to be bored. So you need something else which keeps it going... .

It will get better.