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o.k. well.  i ran into my bf. i saw his car, and as he walked towards it (and me and my car), he kind of stopped and then came over slowly... . all in all, it was just as it always is.

he was calm, said he felt "fine" and "good" and "no bad feelings about you (me) or us", that all of that "stuff" had gone away when he saw me.  UM, yes... . that is what happens. every time.  i doubted myself and that fact before he walked towards me, actually, as he was walking towards me.  but, yet again, all is well.

BUT, he was talking more and again about "being cautious" and "staying safe." i really tried to validate, and i did, and i expressed how i felt.

he blamed me a lot for having "spent so much money" "wasted money on couples counseling" but then said he appreciated it and had to do his T on his own, and that "none of it is your fault," and he was very aware of "it" happening again... . and so was wanting to "be safe" and go slow but said he wanted 3 things:

i am to stay out of his recovery

i am to stay out of his therapy life

and i honestly forgot the 3rd thing... .

he did say that it "took (him) 3 weeks to feel better." and that he got mad at me when i suggested he had to call the Dr/psychiatrist before moving back in.

we had a great talk, a wonderful connection, a loving exchange, good communication and laughed a bit, too... . hugged for a few minutes... .

he called me about an hour later and said it was great to see me and connect with me and that he wants to help with the installation i need help with, and that he will call me tomorrow. 

i am left wondering if he will, and basically what i do if he doesnt see a Dr., and i am to stay out of his "therapy life."  i guess i need to reeeally practice detachment and really focus on me and really trust God... .

i am relieved, sad that he didn't come over, a bit nervous about what tomorrow holds, and so happy that i saw him and we connected in such a loving way.

i know that i want to be with him. 

Ah, love. So hard to explain.

So you're going to try and rekindle the r/s?

wdone, that sounds like he took a turn for the better... . and a chance for you to work on taking one for yourself as well. Detachment is definitely a good place to work on. Have you read this workshop?

Radical Acceptance for family members (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0)

what do you mean?... . can you explain more please in regards to you saying you think he "took a turn for the better"?  i feel like he responded how he usually does, with *maybe* a bit more awareness and maybe a bit more fear... . but he did call and say he would probably come today... . i guess he has done this in the past as well... . so i'd love it if you are seeing something i am not, and can expand! :) thanks!

i will read that workshop.

the relationship does not end... . i can't go into the whole past history, but we have been in relationship for 6 years now... . he "breaks it off" all the time and doesn't go anywhere. so, i don't know if it is considering "re-kindling" :) but yes, i love him and a month ago, he was about to move back in and we are talking about that again.

I just meant he cycled back into the positive part of his normal routine. Not that he made any real fundamental changes... . not that you should get too excited, just that it is better than silence and being painted black, and a bit of a relief. 

My challenge for you is what sort of shifts in yourself can you make that would make this phase of your relationship work better, at least for you.

right, ok, thanks. :)

total acceptance... . and i think i need to meditate, write notes/reminders out about what happens, remember the pattern, stay focused on myself, try not to have expectations, go to more alanon meetings, appreciate the good stuff like our talk and connection... .