BPDFamily.com

I am a 29 year old female and I spent most of my life handling a borderline mother.  She passed away at 50 years old about 2 years ago from an anxiety pill overdose. 

I didn't have the typical childhood.  I was the adult in our mother/daughter relationship while my drunk step dad left all of the time for me to deal with the crazy.  My mom had many problems and I am just finding out now, through therapy, why she acted the way she did.  To list a few of my mother's characteristics is as follows:

1. Narcissistic

2. Always blaming others for her problems and constantly comparing her life to others.

3. Drugs and Alcohol abuse

4. Suicidal Threats

5. Nothing was ever good enough for her always wanted something more or different.

6. Projected negative emotions onto others (friends and family)

I have found that I do not have the disorder but have developed some tendencies that I would like to work on through therapy and maybe even this forum.  My tendencies have caused most issues in my personal relationships but my career goals have been affected also.  To list a few of the things I have the most problems with is as follows:

1. Very low self-esteem.  I can barely look in a mirror without cringing or finding something wrong with myself.

2. I feel like I don't fit into social situations.  It's like I am a child trying to gain the attention and respect of my elders.

3. I have all-or-nothing thinking.

4. I destroy relationships because I find myself very untrusting and somewhat of a perfectionist searching for the unconditional love and fairy tale that doesn't exist.

5. I become depressed if I don't excel at something and I usually quit or become uninterested.

So anyway... .

I am hoping to just chat and make a few friends with people who understand what I went through and what I am going through in my adult years.  Can't wait to get some feed back! 

Hi Calla_Lilly,

Welcome!   I'm so sorry for your loss. Growing up with a mother with BPD can be very difficult (to say the least), and can affect us as adults. It sounds like your mother was in a lot of pain and transferred that on to you, which wasn't fair to you.

What you've described, unfortunately, is very common. Many of us who grew up with BPD parents struggle with the same issues you mentioned, but the good news is that as an adult, you can grow and heal. Coming here was a good step towards healing, and you'll find some great information about BPD and connect with others who were affected by their parents with BPD (my mother has BPD as well).

How are you currently working with a therapist to process what you've been through? I've found it to be very helpful in understanding why my mother behaves the way she does, and it has helped me to develop healthy habits.

What kind of support system do you have for yourself?

You've found the right place for understanding and support. I look forward to seeing your future posts; please feel free to jump into the conversation here!

-GG

Hello Calla_Lilly  *welcome*,

GeekyGirl sure is right when she says the things you describe are very common. It's very unfortunate that you're feeling the way you do, many children of BPD parents experience similar problems. I actually can relate to all the 5 points you've listed, I could have written them down myself. I think the low self-esteem is the underlying problem that causes many other problems like the perfectionism. There are ways to tackle these issues. Certain cognitive techniques can help you deal with the negative thoughts you're having about yourself. You've probably already discussed this with your therapist, what does he/she tell you about dealing with your low self-esteem?

Hi calla_lilly

I also have BPD mother and can definitely relate to your five points.  One thing I've been finding hard recently is striking the balance between standing up for myself and being too aggressive and mistrustful.  After years of being the no good kid and being attacked for everything I find I can be too timid and not stand up for myself, then I can become resentful and get too aggressive.  Iam working on this!

@Geekygirl "How are you currently working with a therapist to process what you've been through? I've found it to be very helpful in understanding why my mother behaves the way she does, and it has helped me to develop healthy habits. What kind of support system do you have for yourself?"

Currently I am working with a therapist that specializes in anxiety and this type of behavior.  We have chosen to focus on my self-esteem issues first.  It's hard and very overwhelming at times.  I feel like I don't fit in anywhere with anyone and have been alienated since middle school.  It's a terrible feeling.  I don't like looking in mirrors and avoid them at all costs.  When I was younger my mom would make me practice smiling and if I didn't do it right should would hit me or put me down so I constantly find small things wrong with me when I am forced to reflect on myself.  My therapists says I am a very beautiful lady and that these feelings I have are very normal considering my childhood.  He believes the underlying cause is that I "feel" as though I am "not good enough".  I believe this to be true and we have decided to conquer this together.  He has given me two exercises for the next few weeks.  One is to face my fear of social anxiety and the need to fit in and attend an alumni dinner/happy hour next Thursday.  I think I can do it but as the days come closer my anxiety grows so I hope I can withstand it long enough to get my butt there! 

My other exercise is to carry a small note around that states "I'm not good enough".  I am to take it out every so often and read it to myself.  He did not tell me the overall goal of this experiment but I believe it's to face my fear of this statement/thought head on.  I've been doing this a few times the last couple days and I realize that it makes me very angry at first and I feel as though I must challenge the statement.  This exercise has made me realize that the simple things like my hair isn't perfect or my nose is too round aren't things that make me not good enough... . that it is silly to obsess over such imperfections but rather embrace them because my individuality is what makes me otherwise "fit" in with society.

@Islandgrl

I agree with struggle for a balance of standing up for yourself and being overly aggressive.  Especially being a woman it is hard in this society to be strong and not perceived to be a "bhit" (excuse my language).  I have definitely been in situations where I would just back down and feel sorry for myself.  But then there are times where someone would say something that I would take offense to and flip out (like crazy flip out).  It's hard to find a balance but as you continue to work on it and develop your self worth you tend to level out... . SO KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, I'm sure you are making amazing progress.