BPDFamily.com

Hey Leaving Board!

When I first came here, I found it easier to focus on my pwBPD and the crazy behaviors than to focus on myself and what I was actually feeling.  My own emotions were so all over the place that they could change hourly - thus my name Seeking Balance.  I didn't realize it at the time, but this was what denial looked like for me.

Before we can balance, we have to know where we are... . sometimes the clinical terms sound great, but what do they really look like?

We all have heard the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

My 2 stages that were really present the first 6 months were anger and bargaining.

Anger was my emotion that protected me from having to feel the pain.  It also gave me the courage to go NC and stop my own magical thinking that based on the facts of the disorder, this relationship could somehow be a friendship.  It also gave me the courage to protect myself going through the divorce.  I was a bit sarcastic, got on the "me too" wagon and would roll my eyes when people would tell me "it gets better."

Bargaining is that phase where I looked at FB or old pictures or we think somehow if I talk to ex again, it can be different.  I spent a lot of time here too.  When I would think about breaking NC, this was the part of grief I found myself in... . but I didn't really realize it at the time.  In this phase, I would honestly not know what I would do if ex came back - wanted her to, but didn't want her to also if I were really honest.  I really had to control my own impulses to not reach out - either direct or passive... . this stage was a big test in self control.

It has been 3 years since the final break and about 1 year since final contact with divorce items/documents... . and you will all be happy to know - acceptance is where I live.  I am balanced. 

If you wonder how long it will take or does it get better - it does and the amount of time it takes to heal, I believe, is in direct relation to contact - there must be healing time to have the opportunity to go through each of the emotional stages.  Depression can only occur without an extended period of contact IMHO, and this is a critical phase of the process.

So, Leaving Board - share where you are and give examples of what that looks like in the real world.

Before our separation it was all about denial and bargaining: I wouldn't believe it was over, I tried very very hard to get us working to solve our problems. That didn't work out.

Now it's almost 6 months since our separation.

The first two/three months were mostly about anger and bargaining again. I was angry because of the way she made our r/s end (with her being violent, but accusing me of DV). Still I tried to get us back together, held contact, tried to talk to her. After became clear she didn't want that it was bargaining again: about how to split up our belongings. Again she didin't want that 

Month 3 and 4 were my angry and depression months. I felt angry about how she treated me, very scared about my future. Feeling depressed. Meanwhile I tried bargaining for us to split up in a decent way.

Month 5 untill now is more about acceptance: the r/s is over and there's no going back. I'm still angry at her for doing things to me she shouldn't have done. I'm still scared about my future, but I accept that I can't change the way the things are right now.  I can't change the things she did and I can't make her do the right things.

I can however do the right things for me. Right now that is: accepting she's ill and protecting my interests in a decent manner. Not lower myself to her level, but standing straight and face the threaths by keeping to the facts instead of emotions.

Meanwhile living my life, looking around, having a good time. Acceptance it is, with a downfall now and then, but knowing there's growth!

I really cant say where I am.  My ex and I broke up 3 months ago, but I had spent the previous 8 months learning about the disorder and trying to making it work.  I knew one more ugly email and it was over for me. We have had no contact other than an email I sent a day after and he didnt respond to.  Im glad he didnt.

Sometimes I get angry about it, but not at him, just the situation or the disorder.  I understand the roles that we both played, and I accept that the play is designed to fail.  

Sometimes I think about him and miss him dearly, but I have no illusions that a relationship would ever work with him.  Not only because of the BPD but because of the insanity of the situation WE had gotten ourselves into.  

Would I get back with him, no... . its futile... . but do I miss him and wish I could talk to him sometimes, I guess I do.

Immediately after my thought is why would you call pain into your life to heal your pain?  It doesnt make sense.

I guess I am at depression.  I know its over, I understand why, I know it could never work, but I still lament the loss of someone I cared about, regardless of

his ability to relate to me.

Where does it sound Like I am?

I am not quite 3 months post breakup and I am all over the place like a ping pong ball. 

Sometimes I feel very good and strong, like almost to acceptance, as far as my head is concerned, that things are over.  But definitely not my heart.   

I can be doing well and then I see my ex at work and just like that I am back at denial and bargaining.  I think this is where NC has an advantage.  It seems I do a lot of processing over the weekend, although I often also get depressed then too, but then when I see him I feel like I am going backwards.     

I really don't have anger toward him, myself or the situation the more I understand about his disorder.   


Exactly.

Thanks for sharing Bananas, laelle and VeryScared.

The ping pong effect is normal the first year really if we go through the process and don't jump into another relationship quickly.  I mean, we are on this site because we had a very real relationship with someone that has a serious mental illness.  Once that reality sits in and we look at ourselves, all kinds of new emotions are bound to pop up!

Laelle - I think you summed up depression pretty well.  I also think this is the phase most folks want to skip over because it is the hard part, the "doing the work."   Who knew that "doing the work" really meant learning to sit with unpleasant feelings rather than distract... . I really didn't, until I finally did it.

I am almost 6 months NC after three year r/s with exBPDbf, and I am still very sad and emotional at times.  I know that I can never go back because of all the abuse and him hacking in to my computer and phone... . but I still remember the happy times and they were some of the best times of my life.  He introduced me to skydiving, water sports and many other very exciting things... . if I could just get past that... . :'(

Honestly, 6 months is not so long after 3 years... . even in a healthy relationship, experts say the grief process is about 1/2 the time you were together. 

Hang in there, it does get better!   

Approximately 4 months ago I was still holding onto the delusion that my SO (of 7 years) and I were in a goal oriented relationship. The more enlightened parts of my mind had previously advised letting go, but the more materially oriented spheres clamored for a continuing sensual/emotional attachment.

Upon experiencing the chaotic upheaval that often ensues in these breakups, I was very much imbalanced. A large portion of my rational consciousness knew that it was for the best, but the emotional side craved the addicting qualities of the relationship. There was no harmony within.

After a few weeks of attempting to rein in my conflicted emotions, I asked myself "the question" that had been plaguing me for some time. What desire of mine is causing this suffering? And I knew the answer. It was the desire to hold onto a stable emotional attachment with a person whose emotions are constantly changing.

It then dawned on me, that while her feelings and thoughts change too rapidly to maintain a solid relational foundation, I too now was also required to change my thoughts. If I kept the same mind-set as before then I would not improve. I meditated over the struggle between my tangible wants and intangible needs and a path that diminished suffering began to open up. My intangible need for harmony beckoned and began to supersede my selfish tangible desire for the attachment. I could feel the suffering ebbing away because I accepted that my tangible wants were based on illusory desires.

For the first time in awhile I began to feel compassion for her. I saw her as the multifaceted being that she is, "full of sound and fury but signifying nothing." There is so much masked desperation inside pwBPD. They seem almost unconsciously compelled to rummage for meaning, within similarly shaped piles of their own self-destructive debris. I have an image of her in my mind as a scavenger, frantically trying to sew on a patchwork dress made from the fabric of other peoples identities--in the hopes that something will stick. She is not bad, nor is she good--if anything she is supranatural and occult.

We remain friends, though we do not text or call each other regularly at all. Every Other Sunday we've been meeting up and attending a Buddhist teaching. Last Sunday's talk was intriguing because it was on "The gift of the mother lineage--exploring the power of gentleness." There was almost an endearing quality, watching her eyes dart around the shrine room during the talk--a combination of fear and acceptance that benevolent forces exist which are even more powerful than her disorder. So it goes... .

Thank you for sharing your path Conundrum - your Buddhism is helping in applying the DBT radical acceptance approach and truly an advanced technique and truly the end goal.   |iiii

It varies by the day... . Some are better than others, but as a rule it is getting better.  I am becoming more accustomed to the idea of life after her and without her, but it is still an odd thought... . Made harder by the fact that I have real issue with the idea that I cannot try and help her or impact her anymore.  I want nothing more than to see her happy, and it is weird not being able to be the one to do it.

Emotionally, I'm all over the place, anger, sadness, happiness, peace, frustration and a whole host of others that come periodically through the day. I don't suppress anything just allow them to come, work with them and observe how they move.

Trying to balance this through writing and poetry. Working hard on writing my book and the poetry is based on those feelings as they come and go. Have resorted to posting a few on Facebook and the confidence is growing as more people are commenting, people I haven't spoken to in years and others who I lost touch with.

Mentally, I'm still very torn because I still have a deep and profound love for those aspects of my ex that were parts of her true self or at least who she wanted to be. I can separate from the mirroring and see those little glimpses of her and it is those that hurt.

Trying to turn that mental focus inwards professionally. Me and an ex-colleague of mine came up with a business idea several years ago before we went separate ways. He has been in touch to see if I'm still interested so using that mental focus to get a business up and running.

Finally, although I have my T from my ex's country, I'm also looking at getting into something like DBT to further improve myself and build on where I am right now.

Physically, I'm in much better shape. Taking more care of myself and cutting out or down on the bad things in my life. Eating healthier and taking care of my oter self much more than I have over the past several months.

Started running again and looking at cycling. Also looking at getting back into the gym because I used to be fit and active, did a lot of martial arts and MMA before I met my ex but after moving to her country I ended up holed away taking care of her. Getting back out there to where I used to be.

Socially, getting out more and doing more of the things I have always wanted to do. Trying different things that I have wanted to try and avoiding the work, home, work, home routine that often happens when I slip.

Looking at courses to improve on my career and possibly take it down an avenue I have always wanted to explore. Will introduce me to like minded people and open further social doors. All the courses I did while I was married were online so no social interaction. Also, I took a break from freemasonry when I moved to my ex's country and despite wanting to continue there, she didn't like the fact I would be out of the house doing things without her. They saved my place back in my own country and I have been welcomed back with open arms, so there is the social aspect there.

So in other words, I'm still a mess and miss her so much but I am taking positive steps to either get myself back into the things I was doing when I was healthy and also looking at new ventures moving forward into the future.

I'm between angry, sad, and confused. I have begun to feel pity for my ex thinking about the unstable storm he's displayed. I have come to the realization that there's nothing wrong with me as a person. I may not be perfect but I still am human and try to live by the golden rule. I have also realized that a big part of my spirit and self was depleted while with my ex. I was drained of my zest and compromised a lot but wasn't given the same in return.

The days I see my ex at work is still anxiety filled. I see him and feel hurt and angry Sometimes. And then a part of me remembers the good times. Then disgust kicks in. Then I feel numb. Followed immediately by me forcing myself to remember he's not well. I frequently go thru the things he did that should have been red flags but I forgave him for. I force myself to remember that his ego and pride is so enormous that he will probably never humble himself to admitting any wrong towards me. I think this is what I struggle with a lot. The fact that he cannot put himself in my shoes and see how it would be if the tables were turned.

I wont seek revenge. I'm not the type to do or think that. I do want my ex to heal and get help. I do hope the man i met years ago will find his way thru the darkness. I wonder sometimes if he is as hurt as I am. I will probably never find out. At first I wanted desperately to make things work and talk sense into him like I normally do when he gets into his paranoid and "it's me against the world" fits. But after being suddenly discarded and then painted black, I knew this was bad. We never broke up and did the recycle thing. We'd have arguments but never broke up. After reading on this site it makes me dizzy hearing about people's recycling dynamic and I feel horrible for the ones experiencing it. I cannot imagine going thru this again with him.

To take things off my mind I spend time with family and friends. I've taken up new hobbies. I have been spiritually renewing my mind. I've been reading up on BPD and other disorders as well as the effects divorce has on people... . my ex has his final court hearing in a few weeks which will be 2 years since it was filed (If you read my novel on the intro section you can get more info on my story). Most importantly Ive been working on accepting any part i may have contributed to the demise of our relationship and am committed to reboosting myself and spirit. This relationship has changed me and not in a good way. Relationships should enhance you not drain like it did the last few months.

I want to get back to being the care free, loving, smiling, laughing, confident person i used to be. This is my goal.

I think I'm in the depressed phase.  I had the initial rush that came with the intensity of denial and anger and all of that.  Now I just feel empty and sad.  I just want to be over it and not have her matter anymore.  I want to NOT wake up with this pit in my stomach for no other reason than she's not in my life anymore.  And I know she probably isn't feeling the same thing about me.  I get that.  So I just want to get over her as well.

I remember that feeling it just didn't seem right and let myself go through a lot of tears through it.  Thanks for sharing!

Hey,

It's been over two years for me and I still get pretty p*ssed off when I think about it. I think this anger of mine will most likely last a long long time. My friend once said that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. I'm striving for indifference.

Thanks for sharing Danley.

The dreaded "should" word - healthy relationships do enhance our lives, dysfunctional relationships are a drain.  I, too, am changed... . at first I didn't think it was good, but now I can see that I am much more aware of human behavior and I do not see the world through Disney eyes of a child but through realistic eyes of an adult. 

I liked that description - carefree, loving, smiling, laughing, confident person... . I, too, remember not feeling any of those things.  You writing them made me realize that I feel those things now again, but in a more mature, grateful way actually.  Hope that gives  you some hope. 

Tordesillas - this phase is IMHO, the one that made all the difference in my recovery.  By sitting in it, feeling as needed - we grieve everything.  By learning to be alone rather than lonely (happens in this phase) it was life changing for me.  This is hard and I "did" the right things, even when I didn't feel like it.  It took a long time, but when it broke through - such a peace and calmness.  My life isn't perfect, I have not moved on with a new love (yet, but I am open to it) and I actually have lost my job this year - but there really is a peace more often than not that I believe going completely through this part of the process gave me.

Hang in there!

I was good at anger... . anger is safe, really action oriented.  Anger served me well most of my childhood and gave me the courage to file for divorce actually.

Anger is also a mask for hurt - getting to indifference requires feeling the pain.  The pain is overwhelming at times, but it will pass and as it does, the anger dissolves.  We get there in our own time.  Do you talk about your anger with anyone, a T?

7 months out now - first 3 before I found out about the ea were hell on earth for me - bargain, bargain, bargain.  After I filed I spent a lot of time in the depression, anger, and bargaining stages.  Now I can say I'm more in the acceptance stage but I still waiiver back to the wanting to vargain (thinking I can still love her enough to fix her) but then she will do or say something - and it helps me to remember that the woman I knew and loved is dead - she is correct when she told me she is a shell of a person.  I think the fixer in me knows how she is suffering, I know she has an illness and I still want to help her.  One of the things that has helped me is a ton of reading - not only on BPD, but self help books, prayer has also been a huge part of my recovery - and I personally beleive that God is my shepard - he is going to lead me down the right path.  The sad part is I still have moments where I would be willing to take her back  :'(.  But I know that woman is gone.

With so many struggling I thought I would add this.

In situations involving profound emotional pain, I believe a dose of mindfulness is an exceptionally helpful tool for transcending negative feelings.

Mindfulness does not have to be a rigid practice. It is a flexible tool. A calm awareness of body, feelings and mind. At its root perhaps it can be interpreted as clear comprehension.

In my belief, mindfulness has little to with a dogmatic fixation on environment, absent analytical contemplation. That would be mindlessness--entirely based upon sensory stimuli. We are not objective cameras recording the environment separate from feelings and thoughts, but use the environment to help process emotions.

For example, imagine leisurely taking a hot shower, yet you find yourself becoming overwhelmingly sad. When you focus on the hot water raining down upon you, the steam and the body-wash on your skin, it all feels good--but something else is troubling you. You have been taken out of the moment by your emotions. Once you realize that, you automatically become aware that what is troubling you is not something in the present moment. That provides a framework for choice. You can focus upon what feels good, the shower, by staying present. That will let the sadness literally wash away.

Another approach would be to comprehend that your sadness (which is not caused by the shower) is probably indicative of two things--you have become emotionally bent out of shape due to either feelings about the past, or feelings about the future. You are stuck in your "emotional mind."

Mindfulness, helps us make sense of passages. When you engage your "rational mind" by recognizing that the "emotional mind" has taken hold you begin to analyze. That process alone stalls your emotions for a bit. In this instance, your emotions were missing what you had in the past with the pwBPD. We all know empirical truth though. These relationships involve turmoil. They are not a bed of roses. Most of us desired an orderly relationship with a disordered person. That does not sound very balanced does it. Therefore, when you long for the past, what you're longing for is something that was inherently unsustainable. That ideally should lead to acceptance about the true nature of the past relationship. By clearly comprehending that the past attachment was far from ideal--it becomes easier to make sense out the passage, and consequently helps relieve the painful emotions. That is the state of being in a "wise mind."

In the previous example, becoming sad during that nice hot shower, may also be indicative of a longing for a future that will not be. You are stuck in the emotional mind trying to hold on to the attachment by projecting it into the future (daydreaming). You are in actuality rebelling against achieving your own peace of mind. Once again, when deploying your "rational mind" you can confront the truth that your relationship (in essence like all mortal relationships are) was transitory. When you extrapolate what would actually happen if you remained together, all the same dilemmas that existed in the past, would more than likely continue on in the future. Therefore, clear comprehension sets in, followed by acceptance. That is the "wise mind." Constantly rebelling against "acceptance" leads to further sorrow. It is a thought-practice that we must strive to consciously change because it disturbs our emotions. Mindfulness is a tool that allows us to accept "truth" through "wisdom" consequently alleviating emotional suffering. I hope that this explanation may be of help to those who are interested.

Great question for self assessment!

It's strange but i guess i was at anger stage (3rd one) but now i am inbetween  denial and depression (1st and 4th). I feel more depressed an rejected as he left me 5 months ago.

At times i find it hard to digest the fact that someone who loved me and pursuaded to marry him broke up with me and maintained NO Contact from the next day. And his harshness only surged in time.

Feeling strongly depressed at the same time as he is getting married this month, and going to live the dream we both saw together with someone new and probably better than me.

I have found that all of this is a process.  I spent hundreds of hours seeking info on BPD, Alcoholism, and Depression.  Hundreds of hours spent between researching all of this and dwelling on "what was wrong with him".  I finally got tired of it all.  I then moved onto investigating what was wrong with me.  Why did I continue to choose the "same man different name" over the past 34 yrs?  It's been almost 2 yrs since my exuBPDbf and I split up.  There's been alot of pain and also self discovery.  Unfortunately it's taken me until I turned 50 to finally put alot of thought into my way of being.  I'm in a good place mentally now. I feel empowered and at peace.   But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I still have some melancholic days (sometimes just hours).  But at least the melancholy isn't the norm for my day with happiness just being briefly present.  1 1/2 yrs ago was an awful time for me. 

You can bounce back from the pain of these R/S's.  But take the time to put effort into yourself.  I feel excited to have finally made myself a priority in my life.  But I still struggle with codependency and doing more than my share in R/S's.  I have to actively remind myself to let others do their share in our R/S whether it be someone I'm dating, a friend, or a family member.  I found that recovery is a process of 2 steps forward, one step back.  So be forgiving with yourself when you screw up.  Sometimes NC is a daily struggle.  But you won't succeed at NC until you're ready.  And I can't tell you when you'll be ready.  But trust your inner being to let you know when you've had enough. 

Seeking Balance... .

You're right... . I just have to let myself feel it and keep doing the "right" things.   It's tricky.  I've found myself scrolling through my phone looking at names of girls I could probably start something with to kill the pain and fill the void.  But I know where that leads and the last thing I need is some other kind of dysfunctional relationship.  Being alone but not lonely is hard. 

Thanks for sharing!

Yeah, I thought I was making myself a priority at times, but really learning the importance in letting myself have feelings, letting them flow through before jumping into another relationship has really been helpful.  I now find the things attractive to me in the past are not the same as before having learned what my needs are.

Of course you are sad he is moving on, that is normal.  When mine was living with someone else before our divorce papers were even signed,  I found looking at my own issues is that act really pushed my core, "you are not enough" button.  It is that same button pushed (positively) during the idealization phase where, against better judgement, I thought I found my true love.

Time & tears will get you through!

yes, it is - very hard!

It is all about balance, the more I learned, the more the "old" patterns didn't work to soothe me, so I kinda had to sit in the feelings.  With knowledge came a big mirror where I couldn't fool myself any longer either... .

time & tears - no real short cut

Conundrum, your entire post is a foundation for DBT - I strongly encourage anyone to learn more about this amazing tool in learning how to let negative feelings move through us mindfully.

In learning about BPD, I also learned about the treatment, DBT (because I was going to save us  lol).  I personally applied many of the tools to my own life.  It is a bit more structured than Buddhism, but very much in the same vein.

Thanks for sharing!

Thanks for sharing Cal.

I think bargaining is very real for anyone married.  Being married, especially having a child, requires a bit more contact and more contact, thus the "what if" might be around for a long time.  I am glad you are finding peace with your faith and reading. 

Oh great, that's 6.5 years then   

Two years since the split, a year or so NC so only 4+ years to go  lol

good to keep a sense of humor, right?   lol

I have also heard the stat of 1 year for every 5 -   

I can honestly say at 3 years since the final break (divorce process time included), for a 6 year relationship, I am good.  During this time, I found out my ex had been cheating on me, moved in and had a baby with the new person.  Many, many layers of grief were processed.

I also can say that I didn't start dating until about 18 mos after the split(several months after the divorce was final) and I was not nearly as open as I am now... . those first several dates really didn't stand a chance  lol

3 months of NC and I'm at indifference already. Don't care what she's up to or how she's doing. She's just somebody I used to know.

Can I ask... .

Is acceptance a phase that allows some form of "well it was okay.  " feelings?

I feel as though through each couple of months I went through all 5 stages rapidly, restarting it as a cycle, then around 5 months in just hit acceptance.

Are all feelings thrown in at the end? I can feel all of my feelings about it while coming to terms that it what's done is done.

you can ask 

Acceptance is just that - it is what it is, emotionally we are balanced and our lives have moved on productively.  This doesn't mean we cannot get triggered and go in for another round of grief, we certainly can - the breakups push our very core.  But, we can hear about ex randomly and we don't react.  Or we get sad news and ex is no longer the  person we think to call for support.

I don't quite understand this question, can you help clarify for me?

|iiii

Nope, that answered the last question there ~ like being able to feel emotions about them still, without it being part of the stages.

I am very grateful for that answer, thank you!

If I were a flavour of Ice cream I'd be mostly vanilla acceptance, with chocolate chips of depression and pistashio nuts of anger. Generally most spoonfuls (days) contain a rogue nut or chip. Or multiples.

Bargaining with her has long gone. Bargaining with myself about the authenticity of our relationship still happens, I guess that's actually denial. Let's call it denial sauce. Somedays I like to have some denial sauce on my spoonful of BPD Special Fallout Flavour.

Whichever way you look at it; that's a ___ed up sundae.  

It's difficult to pin down our actual breakup, but I say last september, so what's that? 9 months. It is definitely getting better, however I know I am still not right.

She text me a week ago yesterday for the first time in months, something she'd seen online had reminded her of a silly game we used to play, so she saw fit to remind me. Then wrap it up with a 'hope you're good' or some other pointless nonsense.

It threw me. I had double helpings all week. But. I didn't reply, even though I thought about it a lot. I would've replied, It wasn't me being strong or not wanting to break my NC tally. It just dawned on me after 3 days of thinking about it: I have truly nothing to say to this person. As far as I'm concerned: ever again.

Sleuth,

I do hope you stick around, your writing is absolutely accurate while very entertaining!


This is going on my list of all time favorite bpdfamily.com quotes - right up there with "Put the Ding Dong down"... .  

let's play a game - since most folks posting are newer in this thread, who knows the origins/topic of "Put the Ding Dong Down"?  When you find it, where would you put that into the stages of grief?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124872.msg1230182#msg1230182

Love it!

A little bit of bargaining no?  Then acceptance.  And coincidentally my ex just shaved his head bald. 

Bananas wins the prize - yep, I would say some bargaining.   

Here is the full post from the amazing 2010... .

Hey SB - great idea for a thread

I am 2 years out of the main r/s but for the 6 months that followed, I pursued friendship. Oddly, this was the most painful time of all, as I came to realise my ex had big issues and that the type of friendship he was offering, was not one I would want. In point of fact, I didn't recognise the push / pull that constituted our romantic r/s as BPD until after we had broken up.

As I tried to find a friendship with my ex, I was stuck in denial and bargaining. For some reason I never really went through the anger phase. I have learned that this is likely due to my own codependency and my learned ability to block what I deem to be negative emotions.

My ex moved on lightning fast and in the 6 months of 'friendship' actually went through 3 other 'partners' all the while treating me appallingly. Then the discard. He disappeared and this is when I spiraled out of control and into depression. I sought professional help, got medicated and found this site

I tried NC but failed often. I just didn't believe someone could do that: dismiss someone to the point of non-existence so quickly. So I bargained and begged and when the silent treatment continued, my anger kicked in. Finally 10 months ago I saw the illness for what it was and had also explored my own FOO issues enough to try NC again with more resolve. I have not broken NC since and I swear, it is like a miracle. About 6 months ago I clicked into another phase and my self-esteem came back. I was more in the moment and very grateful for the lesson and to have snapped out of old patterns.

Now I am completely in Personal Freedom and thriving. I never would have believed I could feel this good... . especially when in those darkest days. For me, the most debiliating factor was the physical symptoms of the abuse. My body was in a heightened state... . a permanent lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. Mentally, I was in 'detached protector' and nothing seemed real. I was a foot back in my head watching my life but not actually living it.

Exercise, meditation, mindfulness and a bunch of writing and reading really snapped me out of it.

Now I feel 90% cured and grateful for all of it. I even forgive my ex and wish him only good things.

I see the illness and feel enormous pity for him and his journey. Part of me wants to help... . with all that I now know. But I am finally more inclined to help myself first and already know that I am a trigger for him and can be of no assistance.

The only thing that keeps me a little bit stuck is the shame I can feel when examining my own behaviour... . the fact that I was codependent, controlling and that I probably never gave for the sake of it. I can see my part in the dance and have some regrets there. I am also not good at owning my anger and feeling justified about it. Some of the things I said as I was being ignored were very hurtful and I can feel bad about that. But I am learning to forgive myself and already know that I won't do those sorts of things again in the future. And that is where my head is at now: the future... . instead of the past. I have been living in the past for too long and it feels incredible to be looking forward again and not back. The present and the future are full of colours and a clarity that I have never known before. We really do need to see darkness to know what light is

|iiii

bb12

Bood stuff here BB - you really did outline doing the work really well.   A few parts of your post that I found true too... .

Ok Leavers - there are many who have yet to join the party here - I know you have read it... . no need to be scared or ashamed here - jump in.

Heck, there is some past post of mine where I was talking about my T saying, "SB, do you want to be happy or do you want to be right... . "  and I literally just wanted to be right!  How is that for a dose of anger!

Where are you?  Most of us are not at acceptance here... . let us know how you feel folks, it helps... .

Two and a half months into NC after a four year relationship. I had been progressing well and found my head clearing and a sense of my "old self" returning however the last few days have been difficult and I suspect I am feeling a little depressed. The failure to provide a form of "closure" (refused by my ex) has been difficult though educating myself on these boards has helped greatly. I understand and accept rationally what happened in my life yet the sadness can be overpowering sometimes. How odd to know that you loved a phantom that was never truly there, yet despite knowing this, you find yourself missing it!

Best wishes to all and God`s help in all or journeys of recovery!

We were 13 years together. . .as I said 2 yrs since the split - a year NC until a few months ago he asked me to connect on a professional networking site.

I think it was the shock that hit me the most. . .and a shock that recreated something in my past when I was 17 that I most probably have never really processed properly.  It was like opening Pandora's Box, he was very Jekyll & Hyde.

Our r/s until the final year or so was wonderful - I'll never regret it.  I don't have the history of experiencing raging, moods, silent treatment, re-cycles that others have had - he was very stable.  I'm not saying in hindsight I didn't notice strange things and I knew at the start he had a history of cheating (and was seeing others) which I decided to ignore   but this wasn't an on-going feeling - when we started seeing each other regularly (after about 2 yrs) he never made me suspicious of other women.  I noticed the change in behaviour very quickly at the end.

So, where am I?  Well, its taken me a while   there really were some dark times but I feel I've let reality in now - for a long, long time I just couldn't believe it.  I feel the process has been made much, much harder by a period of unemployment and financial worry over the same time.  I've really felt my life has fallen apart at 48 in a couple of years.

Strange thing is after a year when I saw the connection request off him, my body reacted.  I sat with the feeling for months, really thought about it and practised mindfulness.  I actually did reply recently because I suddenly felt much stronger - and knew I didn't want or hope for anything from it.  I just don't want to ignore someone who for a long time was a great part of my life. . .that was making me feel worse.

I haven't dated as yet. . .but I'm looking forward to it when it happens.  I just want to find a job and start to live again. . .I do feel more at peace.

Nice Thread.  Thank you.

I am two months out of a 10 month relationship.   I think I bounce between two stages, the processing stage where I am still becoming aware and the sadness stage where I miss her, and mourn what I hoped to have with her.

It is getting better.   Slowly. 

I have nothing to do with my ex-bf, it's been 2 months now after last, final recycle-attempt. I have noticed that I still have these thoughts that IF he would CHANGE (=realize how he is and take responsibility for it and see how amazing I am, of course), I still would try with him. But it is just a thought, not a feeling... . there is a difference there! Thought is like: yes, I believe everything in this world is possible and I'm willing to give even that a chance IF that miracle would happen... . but I'm not holding my breath here and actually world is filled with pretty awesome men! Feeling was (when I still had it):  I'm desperate, there is no love for me without him, he is the only one who can understand me, I'm ruined and lonely the rest of my life if he won't come back, and I don't want to live without him!

Those feelings are long gone.

Right now I have enough at my plate when trying to find a way to provide myself, get a new profession, get a job... . enough to keep me concentrating in myself. And I'm still working with  my stuff so if I someday would meet some Nice Fellow, I wouldn't bring all that has happened to that relationship. I study all kinds of interesting spiritual healing stuff and whatnots, as I'm very spiritual person. It has been very helpful and provided me with lots of growth.

I'm no way attached to my ex-bf anymore. I do not long after relationship. Sometimes I feel moody and miss being loved... . and then I remind myself I was never loved by him and at those moments I thought I was, I was just been mirrored. And then I go and watch a romantic movie and laugh.

Yes, grieving the "what if" once we accept the reality of "what was".  Radical acceptance that my words and actions aligned does not mean my ex was capable of living the same helped with closure in my mind.

Thank you for sharing.

Thanks for sharing sm15000


I had a similar thing occur a couple months ago - not a request, but "you may know this person" on a professional networking site.  I was stunned for a minute, let myself sit and breathe and then hit the delete button and moved on.  It is a jolt when we put these behind us and they pop back up randomly.

You were together a long time, glad you are feeling more peace.

Thanks for sharing your experience with the "thoughts" versus "feelings".  When so much is swirling around in our heads & hearts it is good to be able to really separate them all out.

I found it helpful to remember both feelings and thoughts - "this too shall pass"

Eh.

I've added two stages of my own to the list.

Living and Thriving.  |iiii

Nice - those are the advanced class on the personal inventory board 

I hit the anger and acceptance stage yesterday both at the same time.

I'm angry because I see things for what they were and just how manipulative exBPDw was. Then worst part being she had no concept of being manipulative, to her it was just normal. She saw it as something to be admired and I'm angry at myself for putting that trust and belief in what she was telling me was correct. I have no idea, when I have been brought up to know different, why I actually believed that about her.

The acceptance came after that anger passed and I actually saw her entirely for what she was. I'm still sad because I know there is a desperate child in there needing someone to rescue her and that she is too rooted to even know it will only keep leading to destruction but I'm done.

She recycles through the same list, leaves when they are battered down, waits for them to nurse back to a healthier place and then does it again. The only person on her list who actually got healthy was step daughters father, he is long gone, living a healthy life and that was down to NC. I know this because she still spies on him.

The others are just as bad as she is, they throw on a band aid and the dance with them begins again. Something I would have probably been guilty of if I hadn't found this site. I understand why my T was adamant she would be back 6 months to a year from now. Im also angry at her because its like she knows how long to wait. Not long enough for someone to work out the truth but long enough that they are in a place to supply her again. Wait for me to recharge and then recycle. Only this time I will be waiting and I won't fall in to that trap. Acceptance of what it was