BPDFamily.com

My Mum is 69 and is currently hospitalised after a third suicide attempt in 8 weeks.  We have been told she will be diagnosed as BPD this week, however, I have known for some time that this is the case. 

I am a 42 year old only child and really feel I am drowning in all of this.  I cannot see a future for myself and my family as long as my Mum is in my life.  How sad does that sound?  I put her before my husband and child all the time and she manipulates us to do what she wants so we are constantly living our lives around her.  I try to put boundaries in place with regards to her phoning us and visiting her (as she never visits us) and she just ignores them.  She phones 7 or 8 times a day at all times of the day and during the night for support and to moan about how she feels lonely and how she doesn't feel well. 

I feel guilt as a fortnight ago I decided to cut contact as she was being highly abusive to us and because I hadn't been in touch for a week she cut her wrists (not badly enough to end her life)  The first two suicide attempts she phoned me to tell me what she had done and had also left suicide letters saying I do not do enough for her, I don't care and i'm basically a rotten daughter.   Her psychiatrist told us to lay off visiting her in hospital to give her space, so we didn't visit for a week, then when we visited at the weekend she was really angry at us for not visiting and was as negative as ever.  I know she is in the best place but I just don't know what the future holds.  There is so much to say but I cannot even articulate myself.  Sorry for the rant.   :'(   

I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now.  It sounds awful. 

It sounds like you've dedicated a huge amount of time and energy to helping your mom feel better.  I think all of us children of BPDs do this.  It's so sad to see someone in so much pain, and would be even for a stranger, much less for a parent who we love and want to love us.  Unfortunately no amount of effort on our part will fix what is a serious disorder that they have to invest time and energy of their own to recover from, to whatever extent is possible for them.  No matter what you do or don't do, your mother is going to feel more or less the same way, unless and until SHE decides (and resist the temptation to try to convince her, she has to see it for herself) she wants to live her life differently.  BPDs are terrified to take responsibility for their feelings, so they put it on whoever is nearby.  As an only child, that must have been a huge burden.     Take solace in the fact that her behavior really ISN'T your fault, and no amount of trying on your part is going to change how she feels.  If your efforts were going to work, wouldn't you have seen progress by now?  The only one you can heal and protect is yourself.  It sounds like you are taking steps in that direction, which is fantastic.  It's so hard at first, but eventually that effort to detach yourself from the impossible goal of changing someone else's behavior and feelings is going to pay off like you wouldn't believe. 

*welcome*  I'm sure you'll find a lot of understanding here. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! It's so refreshing to be told I'm not in the wrong.  So many people who don't understand judge you because "it's your mother" and I feel I cannot be myself around anyone. I need to realise I can't fix her. She always plays the victim and everything is everyone else's responsibility never hers. I appreciate your words xxxx