BPDFamily.com

We often talk about what we do for our pwBPD, but we rarely talk about what we do for us.

So I was talking to my boss a few months ago about my professional designation and realized that in 2 years I was due for renewal and was a candidate for Masters... . all I was missing was a specific certification (it's a 2 year part time program). She accepted to reimburse me completely if I pass it.

So what am I going to do for myself, to change my mind from the everyday reality of BPD? I enrolled for the fall courses. It's online, so it will be easier, in a way, if I'm hit with an emergency regarding my dBPDh and easier for him to "accept" it, since I will be doing it at home.

I feel so energized right now.

That's fantastic!  It is important to have something like this that you are doing to make things better for you.  It helps to take your mind off things as well for sure.

I am taking classes online now too.  Most of the time I love it and am so happy I am doing it.  It gives me purpose outside of taking care of everyone else.  It will also give me some very marketable (I hope) job skills and will make me financially independent.  Knowing I will be able to financially take care of myself in the near future is extremely important to me as I don't want to feel like a burden to anyone.

I also work out several times a week and try to stay connected to friends and family.  I will also take time to just lie down or stare at the wall if I need to!

 i am pretty busy... . with working full time, and basically doing what i need to do... . i keep a date to go out with friends and family. i love watching my birds and the differnt ones that comes.

as far as all the BPD luckily my husband is high functioning, but i let him figure things out all day by himself. while i keep busy... .   lol

I have days that I ignore my husband at home and I do my hobbies. Drawing, Scrapbooking, and painting, along with some earphones and it's a perfect day :) I also love girly tear jerker movies... . lol

I also make sure to take time to love on my doggies on a personal level and to pay full attention to what I am doing. Snuggle and cuddle with them all by myself. It's a pretty good antidepressant if I do say so myself :) A lot of times I just pet them and I have so many other things on my mind I don't actually pay attention to what I am doing with them.

I don't do stuff for myself enough.

I think sometimes handling a pwBPD's emotions is so draining that I don't have energy left for myself.

But there are small things I do:

- When I don't feel like spending a whole night with him, I will say I need to stay longer at work just so I have some "me" time, doing my own thing.  An extra hour or so helps a lot.

- Because he would never let me see a counselor or therapist, I actually meet up with my C during work hours (taking some hours off work) so I have somebody to talk to and she would also encourage me and give certain suggestions when needed.

- Just sitting there with my cat, petting him.  Even if I'm feeling sad, looking at my cat lifts me up a little.  And besides, H can't say I'm being cold or whatever because I'm focusing on the cat, not ignoring him on purpose.  But it takes my attention away from H a little an it calms me.

~I take full days out by myself to do outdoor stuff such as fishing, kayaking, hiking, bike riding.

~I also go to the gym 3 times a week or so.

~Take myself to the movies every second week.

~Catch up with my brother for dinner each month.

~Attend carers support groups twice a month if i can

~Read a lot

~Chat on here with you lot

~Daydream about may gorgeous kids and think about new ways to embarrass them

:)

Hey life's not too bad when you think about it... .

Do you think you will ever be able to get to the stage where that would be openly your choice not his?

Hi waverider, to be honest, looking at him as he is now, there would not be any way of seeing a C and just letting him know without him going mad or stopping it.

He is very opposed to "counseling" (when we were in pre-marital counseling it was very, very bad), and looks down on self-help stuff (because he thinks he knows best- actually I think he claims that, but deep inside he can't bear that some professional is telling him he's doing stuff in a wrong way). 

Actually, for me, being able to talk to a C without having to worry about what he thinks (because he doesn’t know, and I’m thankfully in the position that I don’t need to hide it from him deliberately) is a relief.  And at this point, I’d rather have this way of doing something for myself and our marriage than to have to worry about the aftermath of him knowing.

How do you go with other things you would like to do that he probably wouldn't approve of?

I can see that he might view councelling as a direct criticism of him, so that's kind of understandable. Pretty sure I would find it invalidating if I thought my partner was seeing a councelor because of my behavior

Along these same lines... .

I have signed myself up for a DBT support group. It is my understanding that it is a skills workshop that will help mindfulness as well as interpersonal communications. I am excited about it because I hemmed and hawed about it and thought, I don't need that.  But after this last "episode" with h, I realize I have some stuff I personally need to deal with, just for me. 

But as with Chosen, I am nervous about telling him about it.  I am hoping since it is a group setting and very little "personal, in depth" experiences are shared, that it won't feel threatening to him.  I thought about just not telling him and maybe I won't if things are still touchy between us by the time it starts.  But I do not want to be deceptive, so any advice on how to approach it would be welcome.