BPDFamily.com

Its been a couple days since my last post. I broke my NC yesterday morning. I could not stop myself from seeing where she was at and probing her for future recycling. This is really going to be a struggle.

I have found a therapist that I really like and I have identified the core issue within myself. It helps to be able to understand a little bit of why it was always, and still is, so hard to walk away and move on. I am going forward and getting my self well from the inside out.

My anxiety and pain has started to subside. the intensity and frequency have both been lower the last couple of days. After I left therapy on Wed night I was feeling very good. Today I found myself able to genuinely smile and feel happy for the first time since she left.

This morning was rather hectic and stressful. I made the mistake of calling her. I had something to apologize for and a couple things to thank her for. When she left she left our kids 11s and 10d with me. I have since taken the kids to my parents. She told me she needed to see the kids this weekend. I asked her where she was planning on taking them and she said, "the only place I have to take them." which is where she is shacked up with her daughters ex bf. I told her that she chose this man over her kids and grandkids and I don't think it is good for them to be there with her. She came back with something about she didn't make that choice, she didn't abandon her kids. She just doesn't get it. I changed the subject and got off the phone with her.

Then I went and hired a lawyer. I will be getting an emergency temporary custody order tomorrow so I know the kids will not have to be exposed to her craziness this weekend. I know this is going to cause her to disassociate and hate on me bad. For some reason I find myself hoping that it does not push her over the edge and make her paint me dead. I still keep fantasizing that this court stuff will force her to get help and we can have out family back. I don't get why. But I have also noticed myself gaining insight from interaction with other women. I think to myself, "damn, you can talk to women and not have to be afraid of what I am saying. I think dafuq is wrong that I still want this wench when I can have a nice woman that enjoys me."

I also hired an attractive female lawyer because I know it will draw her ire and she will be convinced I am sleeping with the lawyer and get jealous. I guess payback is a bhit... .

Forget about the sleeping with the lawyer fantasy drama.

You did the right thing though.She's probably going to explode in anger,hopefully by email and text. :D Do not respond!

This will get real, REAL fast.

Only communicate through email with her from now on.From here on out,EVERYTHING you say and do WILL be held against you.

Concentrate on the kids and their well being.

Also,you might want to jump over to the divorce board.

Divorce isn't going to make her see the light.What's going to happen is she going to get defensive and strike back.You need a gameplan to combat that.

As you are probably aware, "feelings aren't facts." Having "needy codependent" feelings is ok. It's a work in progress. But adopt tools that prevent you from acting out on those feelings and then consistently employ them. If contact with her causes you suffering, then don't give into the desire because it results in pain.

Keep your eye focused on the ball here--it's the kids. It sounds as if you're doing a great job with them. I know it's lonely when you have to be so strong for them, but what you're doing now will provide a lifetime of dividends. It's truly a good deed.

Try to keep in mind that there is time. Time to find balance and heal from these wounds. It all doesn't have to be done overnight. She is disordered, it's not about payback. It's about accepting limitations, and disappointment that was based on unrealistic desire. Let her go and live her life. It is not a reflection on you. That is her path. Find your path. Let go of the attachment. It keeps you bound to suffering. You will feel much better when you face your worst fears, and realize that what you believe you have to offer her is also what you can offer yourself.

Thank you for the regrounding. This emotional storm I'm enduring is tough.

 *welcome* papawapa

Having gone through a BPD divorce myself - the best advice I received was to get the best Therapist and Attorney for yourself that you can afford... . and that was very true.

Breathe - this is a marathon and not a sprint.  As much as you can be wise, act wise... . your emotions are going to be all over the place for quite sometime... . but how you ACT will determine a lot about how long this process may take.

Breathe - often.

Eat - healthy and regularly

Exercise - whether you like it or not

Sleep - regularly

Be Grateful - fake it if you must

Kids - protect them by taking care of yourself and them

Breathe - yep, I said it again... . when you get feeling crazy, focus on your breathing, it really will help.

Hang in there, you are not alone.  There is a WEALTH of info on the legal board, use it, trust it - it took me several months of thinking, "certainly my divorce won't be like that... . ", ummm, yeah, well - I learned the hard way.

Good for you for getting an attorney - hopefully she is skilled as much as she is attractive.

Peace,

SB

 

I have been in your shoes. :'( Not fun!

One thing I would re-iterate is the fact that she will NOT get it. Its someone elses fault no matter how crappy or bad it gets. If she was reduced to rags and made completely destitue due to her choices, it would still not be her fault. Its maddening but she will in all likely hood not see it and if she does it will be for a few fleeting moments of clarity then she will put up her filter and everything coming in wether logical or not will be distorted before it hits her brain.

Mine did the same thing. Spent weeks and months flopped down in hotel rooms and college dorm rooms with foreign exchange(soul mates at the time mind you) students half my age, and a few years younger then her oldest son and never even called to inquire on her kids. Mothers Day she 'promised' to be at his gratuation. Kids birthdays she completely missed. No calls. And yet she swears she NEVER abandoned her children. ... . Disgusting to say the least.

Sounds like you are on the right track. If you havent, look into the book "Splitting"  Very good insight and information. The good thing about BPDs is that once you can stand back and move out of the FOG, they are textbook predictable. This book outlines most of the future storms