BPDFamily.com

i cheated on my my crazy wife without hardly any memory of it. without any desire for anything else - just no reason aside from - in retrospect/ thinking that the marriage was over ... . wondering what would happen if I did something less than perfect for once... . wanting to shock some sense into her ... . and partially wanting to sabotage the whole thing so that I couldn't come back to the abuse i've suffered all this time. and all of this --- truly without any deliberate/ sane initiative... . just insanity from dealing with a person that psychologically abuses me - steals my soul, but, sadly, i still love her and know that she's sick and finally I got her into a program that seemed like it might help and it gave me hope but then she found out. I've always known myself as a truly good person and i screwed up like someone that didn't even care but i felt driven to it by abuse. If she continues to attack me, i always end up defending my actions or loss of identity with the truth as i see it, but my desire is to " validate her" somehow. I am a decent person that has been through absolute hell withought cause, but i still love the person that hides behind that insanity and want her to continue to get help. In the meantime, my mental state is deteriorating even further .

i'm not sure what sort of answer i'm looking for on this forum but anything might help to calm me down. i don't want to hyperventilate and die.

do you have a T yourself? or are you interested in seeing one?

i have a therapist that is very good but not an expert on BPD necessarily and i feel like a burden to her + i can't really afford to go see her. I want to hear from people in the same position. I love my wife and don't want to leave her but nothing i've done in the past has helped and now i've done something that can only hurt and i'm suffering even more. i don't know how to "validate " her. I'm worried for myself now. I want to do the best thing. i never believed in most psychiatric diagnosese before. I just thought that everyone was crazy in their own specific way, but my wife fits every symptom of BPD so clearly. I'm very confused about validation and how to apply that to her behavior. she makes me doubt myself so often and i have to struggle to remind myself that i'm trying as hard as i can to be the best person that i can and now i have failed completely under much duress and feel guilty and hateful towards myself although i recognize that I never made a premeditated decision or any decision at all. I know that i simply lost it. the feedback that i recieve from her is that she'd forgive me for murder before that. I'm glad that isn't the case or suicide. I could have easily just run away instead under the circumstances.

Hi mekagdzila. Welcome. We are all here becuz we are all in the same boat. I'm very sry you're dealing with the craziness of a BPD spouse. It's very hard, I know.

I'm pretty new here myself. So I probably won't be able to give great advice, but support.

I know what it's like to love someone who steals your sanity and your soul (well said btw). I'm beginning to think we allow it. My uBPDbf has prompted me to do some pretty messed up things too. Because our needs aren't being met.

What has helped me is 2 things. Reading everything I can about BPD, and this forum. Support.

Maybe you can find a new therapist, who has experience with BPD?

"Stop Walking On Eggshells" is an excellent book, have you read it? Also, read through this forum's Lessons. If nothing else, you will quickly realize that you are not alone.

I'm glad you found this forum. I hope it helps you as much as it is helping me.

Welcome

What is happening now to cause this anxiety?

Hello and Welcome,

This board has been a lifeline for me many a time.  I hope it can be the same for you.


 

I can, in a way, relate to what you are saying.  I have thought about cheating and am fortunate the opportunity has never presented itself to me!  I honestly don't know what I would have done.  Like you, I have felt like my marriage was over, or what was left of it couldn't really be called a marriage.  It seems like you were reacting out of complete raw emotion without any forethought of the consequences to yourself, your wife, and your marriage.  You are displaying, at least on here, what sounds like real remorse for what you have done.  While she may not be able to forgive you now or ever, it sounds like you need to start to forgive yourself.  Don't take on more responsibility for the demise of your marriage than you need to. 

I think this is an example of what can happen when we let ourselves get drug so far down with the mental illness and abuse and we start becoming someone we are not.  It is important to separate yourself from her emotionally right now for both of your sakes.  Have you read any of the lesson on here?  They are to the right on the side banner. Learning about detachment might help you out. 

Also, I understand that you love her, but you also say she has been abusive towards you.  Now while you have done wrong, you don't "need" or deserve a punishment for this.  That creates a dangerous dynamic, IMO.  You can perhaps read up on how to ask for forgiveness after infidelity, I"m sure there are such resources, and how to try and rebuild a relationship.  That might give you some guidelines on how to approach things.  Whether she can forgive you is up to her and you can't force it, but like I already said, maybe you can work on forgiving yourself. 

Try not to hyperventilate... . you  can get through this.  Do you have friends or family you can surround yourself with or other healthy distractions? 

I want to thank everyone who responded to me for all of the above. I clicked back on this page for a moment just to see and I don't have any time at the moment to do more than that. I plan to use this resource as much as I can to help myself, my wife, and others. Thank you