BPDFamily.com

I'm sad to be back here. I fear my 6.5 yr. relationship w. my dBPDbf is over. I'm stonewalled and believe it's an attempt to dump me - while he's a severe depression - via no contact. My only hope are similarities to his last depressive episode two years ago, when he took any slip-up as catastrophic cue to end things, though returned to normal as his mood gradually lifted.

He's spiraled since March. One month ago, he snapped and doled an unforgettable verbal assault, stood me up for an important wedding, then disappeared to self-destruct. I spent 20 days in unrelenting anxiety, trying (and failing) to stave off depression, convinced he'd die and I could have prevented it. He re-emerged a little over a week ago, hesitant yet moving toward normal. I was just starting to recover when everything fell apart, again.

Four days ago, he reluctantly told me he'd been working on an art project with an attractive female friend. He'd hid it out of fear of jealousy and even he admits details came out sounding sketchier than intended. I interrogated him and, while bumbling for words, he (I now believe inadvertently) said something incredibly upsetting to me. His reassured me before he left but - seconds later - I found the girl's photo and almost threw up. All the painful things he said a month ago and the stress of his disappearance came flooding back. I got drunk on an empty stomach with my client, convinced myself I'd lost my job, and snapped. I called and, before I could think, hit him with a below-the-belt insult. The sound of his voice - happy to hear from me - when he picked up tortures me.

I spent two days begging for forgiveness, validating, trying to make him empathize with the fact that he's done the same thing when in a rage. He's told me off backwards and forwards until reaching an agreement that I'll "never speak of it again" and he'll "keep abusing me" (because I assumed he'd split me again... . wrong!). At first, I was angry and posting on the "Undecided" board but, after writing out details last night, I see I'm guilty. A depressed, suicidal man puts trust in me and I turn on him. He's now giving me the silent treatment, again. I want him to see I'm only human and, like him, make mistakes. But he only sees negative in everything and was already confused about our relationship. I put the nail in the coffin yet want him to know I'm apologizing because I'm "pathetic" but genuinely guilty. Has this happened to anyone - where the pwBPD has good reason to be upset with you? How have you gotten out of it, particularly when they're looking at everything through grey glasses? AND STONEWALLING?

I'm sorry for taking up everyone's time.

This happened to me a lot in my 3 years with BPD ex.

Under the intense stress of a long distance BPD relationship with me paying for everything, no certainty, also having to be a single parent to 2 kids etc etc I snapped many many times and sometimes it would be at a relatively 'good' time.

I would always get massive retaliation.

The thing is I see now that I did it for a reason. I was losing it for a reason. The relationship was burning me out. It was a sign that it had to end. I recycled and clung on to the scraps. However, I did set  more and more boundaries which eventually led to the end. Like he could not live off me any more or control my decisions. Eventually i also refused the on/off sexual relationship we were having and said I wanted just to be friends, but real friends (and yeah I probably hoped we could have some sort of future... . insane!) He responded with a beautiful email promising eternal friendship, but when I was down and needed just a bit of support (maybe a text or 5 minute phone call as friends do?) I was ignored and then dumped with high dudgeon.

I think you know that he would do the exact same thing to you and then expect an apology from YOU for provoking him, right?

This is the thing- you are on different levels of functioning. I don't know if you should leave, only you can decide that, but you shoudl definitely and absolutely stop blaming yourself for this.

First - and this is really important - stop begging for understanding and forgiveness. It makes you look weak and weakness is never attractive or appealing.

Second - he may not let it go for awhile since you have handed him a great guilt card to use against you. You need to let it go and forgive yourself. Otherwise you will place yourself in a secondary position with him dictating and maintaining control.

Allow him the space and time to process it without you pressuring him... . and spend this time doing some soul searching on why you snapped... . your triggers.

NMMF, as frustrating and powerless as it may feel at first, it is important to remember that we have no control over anyone else's feelings and beliefs.  I hit my head against the proverbial brick wall on this point with my uBPDw for a few years until I finally got it.  I wish for you that you get there sooner than I did.  Put your energy into the one thing that you do have control over: You.


I understand why you wrote this.  Remember this is why this community is here.  Stick around.  Keep posting.  Many others have been through similar things and want to help you work through your journey.

To clarify, I'd intended to write "I want him to know I'm apologizing NOT because I'm "pathetic" but genuinely feel guilty." During his verbal attack a month ago, one of his most painful slights was telling me I'm so pathetically lovestruck, I'll desperately apologize for anything to get him back. In this case, though I apologized the night after I hurled the insult and repeatedly while over the phone with him, it was genuine and not just a ploy to get him back.

The situation was originally different. The consensus - as Servalan hit on - was that his actions were inexcusable. He wronged me then, when I hurled a single insult out of pain, used it to gain the "upper hand" and hurl worse insults back at me for two days. Then serve me a cold helping of the silent treatment to top it off. At first, I guessed he would use my misstep to push the guilt on my back, take on the anger himself, then punish me with the silence he knows I hate until I'm so desperate, I'll forgive anything to escape it.

Is this happening? I thought that was the case until I remembered the extent of his depression and how bad he must have felt when he thought "everything would be alright" and I turned on him.

The comment, by the way, that set me off was him saying that - while this girl wasn't interested in him - if she were to show interest, he'd have to act upon the rare opportunity to be with someone so out of his league. It still stings.


I'm trying to not let him see this and putting up a positive front... . even he says he's happiest when he sees me doing well and it hurts him to see me upset.

I snapped namely because I've cared for him more than anyone in his life going on 7 years and to hear that he'd throw that away for a "chance" with some random hipster chick is brutal. Jealousy triggers me like nothing else and he alternates between wanting to avoid it and intentionally inciting it. Also, issues with physical looks. Men have always found me attractive and I never considered myself ugly until he called me that a month ago (he has huge issues with his looks). I don't think he realizes how badly this hurts... . particularly when it's assured that I'll compare myself to these other "beautiful" women and see all my flaws staring back at me.

Saying he would have to respond to this woman's advances if they arrived is indeed inexcusable. 

They all do the same things eh. My BPD ex would devalue me physically, tell me I was getting old, looked like 'I had never taken exercise in my life', etc.

It isn't excusable. But I too had invested so much and cut off from   him by degrees only, I never truly left.  I do wish I had though!

He has gone way too far and YOU are taking the guilt. Why? Him being BPD is not a reason for you to take guilt for what he does wrong.

The thought of it still makes my stomach plummet. That's not exactly how it came out of his mouth, but that's the essence. His only redeeming factor was that he was bumbling for words while I was frantically questioning him and we were both getting pretty hysterical. He started with "I don't know" then "but it would never happen," "but it's not realistic," "these things are just fantasy." The last one actually doesn't bother me, as I was reiterating that it was okay to be attracted or even have fantasies about other people as long as they're not acted upon. The truth, I don't know.

And the insult I slammed him with was "I saw her photo. She looks about twelve. But you like underage girls, right?" Which is just plain mean.

I feel guilty because - as hurt as I am - I knew he was confused, in the depths of depression, and that there was a strong chance he'd inadvertently bungled a conversation and made it sound worse than it was (he followed with a text apologizing). That really did seem to be the case and we left off with him saying very genuine and kind things, both realizing it appeared to be a misunderstanding with a moment of renewed trust between us. I felt good for about ten minutes before my mind started ruminating, I looked at the girl's photo knowing it would only reignite me, and I fell apart.

So, while he had atoned for inadvertently hurting me, I turn around and intentionally hurt him. That's why he won't forgive me and why I can't forgive myself.

NMMF,

I am sorry that you are going through this difficult period.  

I too snapped with my EX and did something I regret deeply.   I was not very good at diffusing conflict in our relationship, and G-d knows I had many chances to practice diffusing conflict.

You can't make him see anything.   It's not your job.   You also can not protect him from the consequences of his own actions.  If he said something so incredibly hurtful that it triggered you to react as strongly as you did, that is something for him to puzzle out.  

Surviving confrontation and disrespect is difficult, regardless of who initiates it.  It happened.  You can't change history.  Take a couple of deep breaths.   Time is necessary to let emotions and memories diminish.   Put yourself first.   You did nothing wrong.  You were human.   It has happened to all of us here.  

 babyducks

All you can do is explain yourself once and apologize. No need to keep begging for him to forgive you. If you insist on it, it will impede your ability to move forward. And honestly who knows if he will ever be able to process that you're human too.  If he wants to hold it against you, that's his decision. As long as you have done what you can that's where it stands.

Everybody snaps. It's normal and understandable especially in these BPD relationships. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's probably best to give him space and not add more fuel to the fire. You shouldn't hang on to the guilt you have for snapping. You have limits too:)

I'd ended the desperation talk days ago, suggesting "maybe you can come over tomorrow and have breakfast." He never showed. This morning, I sent him a joke about his dad. No response. I don't know if I should keep occasionally reaching out as normal (his suicide talk is getting more worrisome, too) or if I should totally disappear for a while to make him think I've moved on to someone else. A month ago, he complained I made myself too available to him when we first met (?). If I'm less "familiar", more mysterious, and harder-to-obtain, I'm hoping he'll see me as someone attractive, desirable and worth perusing. 

During the fight he said, "I shared with you and you turned it on me" I thought he meant his attraction to his friend but now wonder if he meant the long and honest diatribe before he left. It was about how deeply he cared for me and how it hurt to see me upset... . he wanted to break up but because he'd seen me improve dramatically and couldn't let me suffer, again. Ee "obviously share a deep and intimate connection" which, for someone curmudgeonly, was hard to say. It impressed me so much I told him he'd talked his way out of trouble. Then, I did turn on him.

I fear I've lost his trust permanently and he's done with me. He's been holding on to the relationship by a thread since depression set in and I know he feels he can't handle the added stress, right now. But I don't want to make irreversible decisions when he's not seeing clearly. However, I'm losing trust, too. I spent four years not knowing if he cared or was just using me. Then came the BPD diagnosis and some evidence to the contrary. He's historically stand-offish and trusting someone who isn't particularly affectionate is always difficult. I'd finally thought my feelings were reciprocated and I wasn't being "played." Now, I hear the opposite, plus assertions that people who bolstered my confidence have been telling him to get rid of me.

What do I believe and could it really be possible that he kept me around for over six years as a stand-in? Do I go no contact so he'll find me alluring or reach out once in a while to maintain normalcy? And why does he sometimes say he's bored of me, then freak about even a slight change in my appearance?

The more I write this down, the more horrific it sounds. How can I be "beautiful" in March and "boring" in June? Is it his depression, him, or me?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

My only question is: BPD or not, depressed or not, why the hell would a man tell the women he loves such a horrible, vile thing? You keep going over the situation saying "but he, but I" and that is minimizing what he said.

He basically told you that he is fully willing to cheat on you with a woman he already sees as better than you. Out of his league? Every woman should be out of his league because he is supposed to be in a relationship with you!

Despite any sickness, mental illness, depression, please be careful because he could take your apologizing constantly as a go ahead for him to act on his wants and then turn it around on you and make it your fault because you didn't show a backbone or "drove him to do it".

I apologize for a second post; I couldn't see where to edit my post.


You are twisting yourself in pretzels trying to be whatever he wants. Why? If he can't accept you as you are, then why feed all this attention and energy into him. The reason he doesn't contact you is because he knows it drives you insane. Trust me, he is just sitting somewhere imaging how crazy you are getting over him and soaking it up without you even saying a word to him. That is pure manipulation on his part.

Why would you want him to THINK you've moved on? That just plays into his mind games. Move on. Find someone else. More importantly, find yourself, because this guy has you hating yourself and chasing your own tail just to please him. That's why he will never be happy with who you are, because he gets off on the manipulation and mind games. A loving person does not act like this.

Read what you wrote. You are saying "maybe if I do this he will love me, maybe if I act a certain way he will care about me." You will run yourself ragged and crazy trying to be his jester, dancing to his demands, and he will have full control knowing if he feels like it he can just cut you off, and if you say something (and what you said wasn't anywhere near as horrid as what he said to you) he can then happily place the blame for everything on your back.

Realize that your insult was more about her and less about him, and it got him angry. (unless he has a history of going after 12 year olds, I don't know)

That's exactly how I put it to him. It floored me and I freaked out. I couldn't believe he'd say that and am REALLY extending a lot to give him the benefit of the doubt that he got mush-mouthed (which is true) and the sentiment came out wrong. He later, when angry, blamed his response on me interrogating him with a line of confusing trick questions. The comment - while I came close to vomiting - was not normal from him. It took a while before I decided to give him a second chance (to hear him tell it, "he's given ME too many chances and I'VE blown it"

He was initially guilty for hurting me and said he'd "make it up to me" before I flipped and the tables turned. He's always doled out the worst punishment when he knows he's at fault and I don't know if - this time - he's dumping me because any reasonable person wouldn't take it. I've stopped apologizing (and agreed not to talk about it again) but have I made it worse by even being friendly to him?

Obviously I'm just some text on a screen and don't know him or the situation fully, but it really seems like he couldn't care less if you were friendly, sad, heartbroken or anything except that it all boils down to attention for HIM. He doesn't seem to have any interest in how you feel; when you were hurt he blamed YOU for it by saying you got him confused! Of course if a man is sketchy about some girl and acts weird, his girlfriend is going to freak out a little - that is exactly what he was counting on. He set the whole thing up, knowing you'd find the photo after what he said, so that you would snap and TADA! suddenly he doesn't have to feel bad for his horrible insult because now you get to be the bad guy!

People with BPD don't have empathy or sympathy, but they know how to ACT like they do in order to get attention. They know how to flip situations where they were the wrong doers into making themselves the victim.

I bet this guy is going to this other girl and telling her how you said she looked like a 12 year old and isn't she horrible? Without even bringing up the other stuff. BPD feed on drama and confusion because it is the perfect time for them to get sympathy from others.

Again, you guys, please remember that I've been with him for approaching 7 years. Getting rid of him is not that easy. I've already been through the "hating his guts" part, the sudden shock of being attacked by someone who broke my heart part, the writing down every portion and realizing that he - too - was in pain over it part, the embarrassment around my friends, and the guilt of seeing his side and indulging in petty eye-for-an-eye behavior.

Not to mention less than a week after a 20 day depression over his increasing suicidality (and this isn't me being manipulated , this is me recognizing the signs from training).

I'm really confused, worn out, and do feel ugly. But I've decided not to break up with him. If this behavior were ongoing, it would be a different story. Even for a person with BPD who's split me many times, this isn't like him. I've observed him for years and this is really unusual as well as heartbreaking... . particularly when it's followed by "why would it be so bad for you if I died"

Maybe I'm stupid (and I know I'm abused) but his behavioral shift is too sudden and too worrisome for me to leave him over a comment, no matter how much it hurts.

Although I can't say for sure with your bf, my experience with my uBPDw and that of others here is that pointing out what the pwBPD did wrong tends not to help.  My wife would be more likely to lash out at me over something, project it on me, or shut down and go into a silent treatment.

I used to feel a strong need to defend myself, point out to my wife what she was doing to hurt me, and attempt logical discussions.  Then the lessons here (links on the right --> started to help.  From learning to radically accept that my pwBPD is who she is, that I can't change her or make her believe something, that I usually can't have a logical discussion about these things... . through to communication tools that helped me break out of the endless, toxic, circular (or boomerang) discussions and arguments.

Several of these lessons felt almost counter-intuitive, and I had to wait through an extinction burst, but the reward in the end was worth it.

Where do you feel you are in your healing? 


What you're going through seems really hard.  At the same time, it is important that you keep who you are, or find yourself again in all this.  I spent years trying to do what I thought my uBPDw wanted me to do.  I thought it would help.  Oddly, not only did it not help, it made things worse.  And I lost myself along the way.

The more you are yourself, the more comfortable and grounded you will feel.  That will help you be a pillar of support for him, if you still choose to and he lets you.  If he doesn't let you then unfortunately there is nothing you can do that will make him.

I am sorry if I am being too blunt and direct here.  After a few people were blunt with me over the years, I was finally ready to hear it when I read SWOE and found this board.  Only you can say what you want and need, and what you are ready for.

What can you do for yourself while this is going on?  And what can we do to help?

P.S.  Even just "be here to listen to venting" is fine as an answer.  :)

There was no physical photo. I found her on the internet with a common first name and no known last name after a good degree of searching - she has no Facebook page, a cached Myspace page and very little online presence. My boyfriend can't even type correctly. Yeah, he might have taken advantage of the situation, though.


First, as angry as I am with him, it's been proven that people with BPD do have empathy and sympathy though have difficulty with these emotions. I think you're confusing BPD with NPD... . which he does NOT have. I don't doubt that he plays the victim, though.

Second, I know for a fact my boyfriend isn't talking to this other girl. I know she's out of town, I know he's only hung out with her twice in three months to tape a biography of him, I know their relationship - whether or not he's romantically interested - is friendly in at least her eyes. I also know this girl, like others, has spoken highly of me for compassion toward him.

Look, I understand what he said is reprehensible. But I know him quite well and I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. I don't think making blanket assumptions toward someone's motivations helps, nor do I think imagining scenarios without evidence helps (I'm DOING ENOUGH OF THAT ON MY OWN!), nor do I think claiming he has no sympathy or empathy helps when I've seen the opposite. He worked harder than anyone I know to get me off heroin years ago and we weren't even dating at the time. Purely as a friend. There's a reason I've been with him for 6.5 years and - if he had no good in his heart - I wouldn't be where I am, today.

I don't mean to be offensive but this section of the forum is for people who have already decided to stay with a partner and seek solutions. While I appreciate your empowering feedback earlier, presumptuous statements on the character of a good friend only make me want to defend him and hypothetical "I bet he... . " scenarios only feed a ruminating mind at 2am. Again, I greatly appreciate your take and love your advice, as long as it's respectful of my decisions.

This situation is tricky, and I'm sorry you're stuck in it.  You did something inappropriate, which was sparked off by him doing something appropriate.

However, telling him that doesn't work.  Because of their splitting, since you did something wrong, it's all your fault (wait- due to their BPD, a lot of times things are your fault even when they're not).  You have apologised, and this is good because you owned up to what you did.  But if you add that you hit_ because he/ the relationship hit_, you will sound like you're shifting the blame onto him, and in any case he will see it like that.

What I will do is to apologise for it, and then he may say he cannot forgive you, etc., and just agree with him, saying "I understand you may need some time to see if you can forgive me.  I will wait for your reply."  And then just let him decide, so in the end whatever he decides, he cannot claim you force him into a certain decision.

NMMF,

People on these boards share from their own personal experiences and where they are in their lives.  Obviously not everything will apply to your situation.  What you do and what you feel are uniquely yours.

When I am in these types of situations and my feelings and emotions are quite raw, I believe I have work to do lower the level of intensity, to calm and center myself, to become mindful and peaceful, so that regardless of what happens I can respond from a more reasoned place.

What was true for me is that when I did something that hurt or wounded my partner it reinforced her fears, and was revisited over and over again.  Once it happened that pain lived on and on,  it took my partner a long time to return to equilibrium.  That was just the way she processed emotions.  There was nothing I could do to fix the situation.   The best gift I could give her was patience.   And acceptance.   However she felt, however long she took to process,, what ever she thought, it was important I tried to radically accept and not wish for something different.  If she couldn't accept some of the things that existed in our r/s that was her decision and she was entitled to make it.  I could not change or control what happened in her head. 

Take care of yourself.   

babyducks

I'm sorry, everyone, for freaking out again. It was the middle of the night, I was sleep deprived (have been for days) and reacted poorly to the notion of being kept up imagining hypothetical, jealousy-inducing situations. I've been doled a lot of conflicting information from him and am trying to base responses on either known facts, evidence-based conclusions, or observed behavior. For example, ruminating on him cavorting with another girl at this very second is factually unlikely, but still a punch in the gut. Even though he's acted terribly (and it is helpful to be reminded of that, in some circumstances) I more seeking consolation, advice, similar stories, reassurances, theories and info about BPD/depression/BPD and depression in men, help responding to the silent treatment, feedback on my own response... .


Yeah, that too! But not "Find someone else" reactions... . which is exactly what he said and makes me seem stupid, blind, and pathetic.

But moving on... . Chosen, would you mind re-explaining this to me? I'm not sure if the blank spots were a glitch or something over my head but I think I missed your point. Sorry!


Not really anywhere in the healing. I haven't interacted with him since our fight Thursday which concluded in menial talk about toothbrushes, breakfasts. I foolishly took this as a good sign that we'd put this crap aside. I waited three days until my anger subsided then sent a friendly, unrelated text Sunday. His ignoring an attempt to move forward confirmed "silent treatment mode" and hit me with another blow. I don't know if he's stewing in anger, punishing me, or flat-out ending things. This confusion - and the waiting game - just leaves me in limbo.

As for keeping occupied, I'm BEYOND thankful I have a great new client who's been handing me interesting projects around the clock! Unfortunately, I have a second client who's rude, difficult, and out-of-line in her demands; holding off on snapping on her isn't easy. I'm trying to simultaneously work with both, as well as an intern, but can't let the difficult client find out about the awesome client until I line-up her replacement. People have said I'm becoming obsessive about work-related things - amplified w. bf's actions - and I've been at my computer at least 12 hours a day, under-sleeping to wake up in time for daily reports, and forgetting to eat. Making matters worse is the fact that my new (married) client might be a little too interested in chatting, joking around, and going out drinking. I somehow ended up in text conversation with him around the clock, including what to do about my bf on, like, Friday nights. My roommate and I think he's just lonely, dislikes business, and has a friendly crush on the artistic writer he hired. My bf obviously thinks something is up but good for him!

I apologize for making statements you found offensive. I even started out saying "I'm just some person online who doesn't fully know the situation" hoping that would help convey I am not all-knowing or in tune with your situation.

I tried to be as blunt as possible because I had an ex husband (non BPD but very controlling) who I was with for 7 years and the situation sounded very similar to one I faced. I ignored the warning signs and he ended up in an affair with her (and I found out when he announced she was moving in with us). So, perhaps it was a knee jerk reaction and of course the situations could never be the same, but it hurts to see someone who even admits to being abused (which you are) and yet wants advice on how to apologize to the abuser. I can't bring myself to go along with that, I feel as though it would be enabling to a toxic situation, HOWEVER I do apologize if I came off as too blunt or straight cut. I promise it was only coming from a place where I didn't want to see you more hurt.

I also apologize for the empathy/sympathy mixup. The main person I am dealing with has severe NPD on top of BPD and sometimes I get the symptoms mixed up.

Sorry, Rusalka, for over-reacting. And you situation does sound awful and somewhat similar - I've not been sleeping or in my right mind and am perhaps hypersensitive! I'm constantly on-edge and really, really sorry for wasting or monopolizing anyone's time! His tirade a month ago followed by allusions to infidelity has me clinging to anyone willing to acknowledge my presence. Constantly checking Facebook to see if my (friendly) ex-boyfriend is online. And spending way too much time texting a new (married) client... . a really bad idea but a major distraction.

The isolation of my job has always been difficult and I miss him visiting me for breakfast. I'm too embarrassed to confide in friends and my roommate refuses to speak of him. I had to work for a client I dislike today, which is just me in an empty apartment trying to concentrate then hyperventilating when the dog won't pee outside. I'm trying to hold it together to stay strong for him but need help. My therapist cut our session short and I'm on the waiting list to begin therapy at the community clinic. (I don't know why I wrote that. No one needs an update).

I try to read articles to understand his depression and suddenly think something's wrong - that he's dead or dying and I need to help him. Then I realize I can't call him because he'll think I'm pathetic but I can't call anyone else either, as I don't know if they're against me or not. I would like to just end this thing. I want to put this fight behind us and go back to last week before it happened. We were at a good place before I freaked out and blew it, but I don't understand why he can't just let it go.

Here's the debate: He's sometimes re-emerged on his own and sometimes re-emerged in response to gentle, friendly prompting. I don't want him to think I'm spineless, as he'll be even more grossed out. And, above all, I'm dealing with someone who I honestly believe may need emergency help: Do I a.) Avoid contacting him for as long as humanly possible? b.) Give him a receptive ping every few days?

Thanks again and I'm so sorry if this is boring!

My point is, "wanting him to see" doesn't work, because if he could see things in a different way, he wouldn't be BPD.  Whether he wants to be negative or not, the truth is that he is unable to see things differently.  He feels 100% negative, and this is his reality.  You can do your 50% by admitting that you were guilty.  He has reason to be upset, he is reacting by stonewalling and giving you the silent treatment.  All you can do is to apologise (did your 50%) and let him decide his next move.

You have a lot on your plate now. It's honorable that you say you want to get it together and stay strong for HIM. But you need to stay strong for YOU first. Otherwise you'll be drained and not in the best place to be there for him when or if the opportunity comes. Try to focus on yourself right now first. You've apologized and like you said, he might or might not reappear. But in either case it would be better for you to be in a confident state of mind. It would probably be better for him too if you want to help. Two stressed out people don't mix well and it's better for you to have a head start in the long-run.

NMMF,

It sounds as if the pace of life has sped up for you to warp nine.  That must be very difficult. 

I would like to suggest that what has been true for me in the past might be helpful for you.

I needed to Slow Down.

I need to stop and eat real food.   

Take a long relaxing walk.   

Ride a bike.

Go to the park and watch the kids play.

You have mentioned several times that you are not eating well, not sleeping well, and juggling some difficult issues.

Burn out, emotional or physical is real.  I do not make good decisions or feel well when I don't make the time to just sit with myself and let peace come to me.

Give yourself a vacation day.   Linger in the shower.   Treat yourself to your favorite meal.   

There is a lot of truth to what Emily Dickinson said a long time ago.

"If you take care of the small things,

the big things take care of themselves.

You can gain more control over your life by

paying closer attention to the little things.”

~ Emily Dickinson, 1830 – 1886

babyducks

You said:

"Four days ago, he reluctantly told me he'd been working on an art project with an attractive female friend. He'd hid it out of fear of jealousy and even he admits details came out sounding sketchier than intended. I interrogated him and, while bumbling for words, he (I now believe inadvertently) said something incredibly upsetting to me. His reassured me before he left but - seconds later - I found the girl's photo and almost threw up. All the painful things he said a month ago and the stress of his disappearance came flooding back. I got drunk on an empty stomach with my client, convinced myself I'd lost my job, and snapped. I called and, before I could think, hit him with a below-the-belt insult. The sound of his voice - happy to hear from me - when he picked up tortures me. I spent two days begging for forgiveness, validating, trying to make him empathize with the fact that he's done the same thing when in a rage."

This seems to be he did something to break your confidence in him--something that "tortures you"--and you respond by apologizing. And then at the end of the post you apologize for taking our time reading your post.I am wondering if one way you deal with stress and conflict in relationships is to accept all the blame and let the other person off the hook for whatever they did. While that may feel safe in the short term, it can't be sustained in the long term. Just something to think about.

I admit to burnout and this couldn't have happened at a worse time. The way I dealt with his previous disappearance ending only a few weeks ago was by taking on projects to "stay busy." The unrelenting depression ceased when I forced myself out the door for work/writing stuff. I'd be in passionate conversation with people and he'd disappear from my mind for a few hours. The very Friday after he reemerged I was suddenly assigned a gigantic, high-pressure project - one of my "don't break up with me" points was that I cared about him so much, I used my one free hour while waiting on an email to him chips and salsa in case he wasn't eating.

I do want to take a break (and shouldn't be working two jobs simultaneously!) But he weighs on my mind so much that "relaxing" moments are spent ruminating. Long walks - which used to be welcome chances to think - result in arriving at a destination frantic.


I agree - I'm red-eyed with constant knots in my stomach, losing weight, and worn down. I don't know if the "stages of grief" thing is true, but anxiety makes the situation worse. Unfortunately, it also looms over my shoulders... . I HATE not knowing what's going on, if THIS time he's serious, or if it's just another stupid fight. He's got me going over every word he said in our last conversation, weighing everything from a calmed down "OK" to "I'm going to hold a grudge" as evidence that things will be okay, versus imaging a sudden "no contact" and friends saying "you know he might not come back, right?" I really want to reach out so he knows I'm not going to fight and give the impression of normalcy but don't know if it's better to just wait it out. And I don't know if waiting it out will make him think I've given up or if it will give him space and time to fully calm down. WHAT DO I DO? I just want to go back to last week and watch TV and eat breakfast! This is such a stupid reason to end things after over 6 years!


Randi, thanks for your response (and I loved your most recent book, by the way)! I don't know why I apologize all the time... . aside from being verbose. It's become almost a habit, even if I don't know what I've done wrong. I get doormatted by a lot of people and have gotten used to being in trouble for something at all times. You're also right with accepting the blame - as seen in my many "I just want this OVER" statements, it gets to a point where I'll just say what it takes to move forward. With him, we'd briefly started ending the conversation when it was too heated but have returned to me doing whatever it takes to reach a consensus on the spot to avoid uncertainty.

This is a real bummer. I've been going through all this BPD material and was prepared, planning and even excited to use them in real-life toward a better relationship. Now, I'm back at square one. How can one accidental slip-up result in so much punishment? Might there be a chance that he's projecting his guilt upon me in a way?

Late to thread. Have you tried practicing radical acceptance? Where are things at today?

I am going to keep this rather old post alive as it is pertinent to my current situation. I sit here for the second day on my couch with a neck ache, a head ache and a feeling of such total sadness. I slipped up last night and reacted to a barrage of name calling from my uBPDw with slinging mud back. Didn't use any skills I have learned here (to be honest I am kinda new so I really haven't mastered any). I just blew my lid and said things i terribly regret today.

I wrote the "please forgive me (translated to them... . go ahead and punish away)" email last night. Also sent an I am sorry text. Couldn't sleep all night. Heard nothing back so finally made a FT call. Luckily she answered so that I could be put out of my misery... . OR WAS I?

Of course I had to apologize a few times more, so beaten down I admitted to maybe some things that I really did not do just to make peace and basically got a more controlled, but nevertheless stabbing, dress down. The monologue went on and on as I was patient not to interrupt. If I did say anything it was either to agree with her about my shortcomings or clarify HOW SHE FELT.

Basically I was in panic mode about her ending our marriage. Her visa is about to be issued for her to come to the States and be with me. We have endured so much to get to this place and all we have done in the last 7 months is argue with her BPD raging out of control at times. I also have gotten to a point where like a loyal dog that has been kicked too many times, I am starting to get mean. In standing up to her more and more, it has served to erode her trust in me. I am in a no win situation like most of us are with BPD people. I love her more than anything, am still holding on to every sweet and loving thing she promised me, our hopes and dreams, but I heard from her lips today " love is not enough". As much as I intellectually know that, it broke me heart.

You're in a long distance marriage? For how long? Why are you still holding on?

Yes and no. We got married last April and are waiting for her visa to come through. Likely in the next 4 weeks. We dated for two years prior to that, seeing each other quite frequently and for long periods.