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My uBPDh has a habit of "lecturing" me on big things and tiny things.  Every single thing I do, he tells me how I could do it better (and makes it clear what I'm doing is not up to his standard).  And when I do something wrong, say I said something to somebody that is a little bit rude (e.g. yesterday, we were talking about getting rid of bugs at home, and a friend suggested a spray, and I said "No we can't use bug sprays because we have a cat".  H said it's rude because people were being kind and I could only just listen to them without saying no.  I agree with what he says but I don't think it's such a big deal.), he will go on and on telling me I should do hit.

In a period of 24 hours he has at least told me 4 times I shouldn't have said that to the friend.  After the first time, which I responded a little more, I just said "ok" every time he repeated it.  But it's hard to regulate my own mood because it makes me want to snap at him, and also I am irritated that he always makes such a big deal out of everything while making it sound like he is trying to help.  If you want to help, you say it once.  Repeating it many times is not helpful, but he doesn't get it.  What do you think I can do to stop this, and/ or how to help myself if he doesn't stop?

I find just not defending myself in situations like these work best. If it's not worth discussing, I'd just agree with him and end it there... . "I wasn't trying to be rude or wasn't aware I came across as rude. It wasn't my intentions. I agree Maybe I could have responded differently as they were trying to make a helpful suggestion.". Although it seems petty and ridiculous for him to drag it on, I'd probably just end the conversation by agreeing to shut him up. Sometimes it seems they wanna pick a fight because they feel crappy about WHATEVER and these little situations are outlets for them to release some steam. Fair? No. Sometimes you gotta choose your battles wisely

Now if it were a topic that were more serious, I'd probably feel more prone to speak up.

I agree with you danley, and this is actually what I have been doing for a long time.  If there is a grain of truth, I agree with that, and I do say, "Well, yes, I probably could have answered it better."  I do think he was trying to pick a fight- unfortunately this happens a lot of times, and although I'm getting much better at not fighting, inwardly it annoys me so much that he keeps using the same bait over and over again.  And I can't really shut him up, you know... . he doesn't just want me agreeing to stuff, he somehow wants me completely defeated, which happens rarely these days 

I suspect that a lot of us develop passive-aggressive methods for pushing back. My BPDw will drone on ad nauseum about my infractions within the same lecture repeating herself over and over. I sometimes memorize the loop; counting in my head the time and number of sequential details until it starts over. It helps me to get through having to endure the lecture. She has a highly predictable pattern. After the second loop I'll sometimes start finishing her sentences and saying "I get it". Sometimes she will continue saying "no you don't, its important I get his into you" sort of thing. If I attempt to shut it down abruptly, I risk triggering a full-on episode. If I have the time, I let it play out by meekly staring at the floor mindlessly repeating over "your right", "I don't know why you put up with me", "you deserve better" as she berates me for say, not folding some item of clothing properly or placing it in the wrong location (after doing four loads of laundry). Its petty and maybe pathetic; but also outrageously funny as my apologies start to push the absurd with, "I'm a terrible and awful human being". She eventually snap at me "your not even listening!" or "now your making fun of me". Stock response now is "no... . I got it the first time". I have been at this a long long time becoming numb to it. Maybe its cowardly, but finally has become the healthiest coping method of all... . I simply am incapable of hearing it and I don't care any more.

Hi Chosen,

I have the same sort of issue.  My uBPDh has a set of rules about how people should behave and if I don't conform to those rules, I either get lectured, I get the silent treatment, or he starts behaving differently so that I'll ask what is wrong, giving him the opportunity to tell me what I've done to offend him.  What's hard, like you've said, is not to take the bait.  What's also hard for me is not to take it personally because (like the example you've given), there's usually a grain of truth to what he's saying.  I have this person in my life who lurks there, waiting for me to mess up so he can point it out.  Normally, we do something or say something that maybe we shouldn't have, and we can go on with our lives as if it didn't happen.  Not so if our pwBPD are around.  Even if there's no truth to his criticism, I'm still not at the point where I can take what he's saying with a grain of salt because I still value his opinion of me.

Then, of course, there's the double standard, so if he commits the same "violation" of his rules, he simply changes them up a bit to explain why his behavior wasn't a "violation" at all.

We chose to be in relationships with these people, so I suppose we can't expect a duck to bark (as UFN says).  They're going to criticize us, and just like anything else, those criticisms are going to be extreme, both in nature and in duration.  If we don't want to go crazy ourselves, we've got to find a way to tune it all out.   

  Daylily

Seems like we're all getting on in similar ways... .

I also just keep letting him know I "got it", but obviously cannot use it to shut him up, or else it will trigger another round of lecturing (about another issue), which will make everything even more tiring.

daylily, I suppose it's hard not to take it personally but I find that it helps to keep reminding ourselves that they are mentally ill; they go to the extremes with everything.  I'm getting better at not taking it personally (take the general emotion personally, but perhaps not the exact words because they usualy don't reflect the truth), and it has really helped me.  At least I get upset for a shorter period, and I am able to self-sooth.  Unfortunately, learning self-soothing is as important to us as it is to them, as we usually have nobody to sooth us!

Self-soothing... . that is a difficult one. Lectures are easy to manage through as they tend to relieve the building pressures in small amounts delaying the onset of a full episode.

Its when I know an episode is developing that major anxiety sets in.  Last night she threw the covers off about midnight and left the room after I went silent for a good hour while she complained about our adult daughter. She uses linking methods by starting her complaints on unrelated issues, then works her way to me. Saying a prayer and telling myself I'll get through it; I picked up a bible and read until I feel asleep by 2 am, then woke up an hour ago getting about three hours sleep. Fortunately, she did not come in throw the lights on and start an all night argument. She's mildly bi-polar and has been up almost round the clock for three nights which will eventually trigger a full episode if she does get real sleep soon. Today, I'll pack extra clothing in my car as I have several high stress days of meetings, work deadlines and special projects that I have to get through. However, once she becomes dysregulated there is no stopping the spiral of accusations and hate bombs no matter what I have going on. I'll get a hotel room if she gets physically violent, but that has risk of extending the duration and depth of the episode. Simply getting through the work day becomes a challenge as the anticipation and dread builds. Even if an episode does not happen the anxiety can be crushing as I try to hold it together.

I don't how people manage through the anxiety of knowing "its" coming and the unknown of how deep will it go and for how long.

You stated exactly how I feel at times.  Even if a bullet is dodged, I feel my heart start to race as the anxiety about a possible blow-up takes over.  I am recognizing the feeling right away now.  In some aspects, I am learning more about myself through this process than I ever have before.  I think it will make me a stronger person in the end.  The point that I need to reach is that I become so in-tune with my emotions that I do what it takes to take care of myself first, and stop trying to regulate my BPh.  He needs to figure out how to regulate himself, that's not my job and I don't have to sit there and be a verbal punching bag. 

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My husband is super tired today as he tried to be superman yesterday (I got home and the house was spotless, every dish had been done... . every spot of laundry... . and had our son all day)... . today he's exhausted and grumpy.  I just turned off my phone and am heading out to sit in the sun for 5 minutes to let the warmth shine on my face  *)

In some aspects, I am learning more about myself through this process than I ever have before.  I think it will make me a stronger person in the end. [/quote]
I have to believe it has the capacity to make one a better person. There's a saying by John Milton - "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven." I sometimes wonder how I may respond and connect  in a "normal" relationship (whatever that might be). Would liberation cause me to throw off the shackles, return to someone I once was and give myself of over entirely to another? Or... . will I end of being tainted goods holding to the victimhood - in constant fear of living openly and sharing with another?

We're damaged to the extent we accept, believe and own the lie".

This is powerful.

Chosen, thank you for bringing up "self soothing" in the context of us nons.  I hadn't thought of it that way before, though that term is used a lot here with regard to our pwBPD.  And perhaps it's referred to indirectly when we tell our fellow nons to take care of themselves and do things that make them relaxed and happy.  You're right - we really do need to learn to do this, because our pwBPD aren't going to do it for us, and we often can't talk to others about what we're going through.  We need to be able to help ourselves through the tough times.

  Daylily

On the anxiety over their impending rage: I get that.  A lot over the past few years, less so nowadays (because I'm handling it a bit better, but still can't completely stop myself from feeling anxious).  It manifests itself through physical symptoms like stomach aches, lost of appetite and diarrhea (sorry TMI) usually, so it's very easy to tell when I'm feeling overly anxious (as opposed to just mildly nervous). 

On self-soothing: It is ever so important.  What I have learnt is that, even though pwBPDs have to learn to be emotionally independent, at many times we have certain "flaws" that keep us from being healthy and continue to be enmeshed with them.  Also, as daylily mentioned, usually we can't talk to others about it.  For me, I have no close family, and obviously H's family are out of bounds.  There are about 3 people in the world who knows my situation, but they are not always available, and in the end, they are only able to listen and I have to go through the rages/ irritation/ complaints myself.  Usually, in "normal" relationship, when one party is in emotionally need, the other party will put themself down and be the "soother".  But sadly we are in relationships in which our pwBPDs are not able to do that for us (or they can, but only when they want to), and they even want us to take up their emotional burdens.  If we don't take care of ourselves, who will?