BPDFamily.com

I'm headed for a mental collapse I think. If not a certain hear attack. My W has not been diagnosed with BPD but has about ever symptom associated with it. She doesn't trust me. I get that. I have lied about things before and have come clean and appologized.  Now I have sought counseling for the past month or so and today is my 4th session. She texts me at lunch and says my counseling isn't doing anything and there has been no change in me.

I explained I will bring it up today and see what I can do about finding ways to show you I can be trusted.  Problem is that I want to use that time to get my brain back into sanity. This is important but I'm too close to a melt down.

I will try to tackle this topic in session today but I'm not happy with my life anymore and havn't been for years. I think this is the reason. All the stress for this relationship. Th egood times are too few and far between and most of them are her good times with me enjoying that fact she is enjoying them.  I have never set boundries before. Thats why I am always being tugged around like a rag doll. I dream of the day when this isn't the focus of my life. I just don't see it in any near future.

I can so relate with it! 

I was like you a stayer in T. The second session my T stated my now ex should go to a therapist too! What a relief for me!

See it as strengh: You are suffering and you can reach out for someone to support you, someone who can develop new options with you for you.

And your wife is probably unsettled by the fact you are in T. My ex was it.

Hi Cipher13,

I think that the best thing that you can do for yourself AND for your wife right now... . is to work on you.  Focus on you.  Take care of you.  You sound so incredibly drained.     In my own relationship, I eventually realized that if I didn't take care of myself then eventually there was going to be no relationship left.

With respect to her texts about therapy not helping you... . it sounds to me like she's just trying to engage you.  In other words, she's trying to pull you into her control cycle.  Have you read about JADEing?  I'll find the link.  Justifying, Arguing, Defending and Explaining yourself?

You don't have to explore this during therapy if you don't want to.  Therapy is for you! 

I've nothing further to add except 

I'm going to give another   and another show of support for you being in therapy. My H started therapy before I did but it was MY therapy that helped me most of all. Hang in there!

I have heard that people change when the cost and pain of doing things the same way are greater than the cost of changing things. You may not be ready to set limits until you hit bottom and that mental collapse. Hopefully, you will start to make changes before that happens. No relationship is worth destroying yourself.

Update of counseling... . I felt really good leaving it yesterday. Of course she wanted to know what was said. I never did tell her. I sat her down and and apologized for specific things I really am guilty for and expressed my love and devotion to us and to continue to do the right things for us.  That went well actually.

I have other things to work on. The following I need some simple advice on. Setting up boundries. I have never ever doen that. I don't want to put up warning flags just set a few simple basic boundries that she might not really pick up on right away. I will then us them for building blocks to get a sort of control of my life.

I am afraid to approach her with things that I fear will cause a blow up... . ie bringinup the idea that I want to open up contact with my family again.  Baby steps vs. no steps at all is better than nothing. I'm going to improve my life one way or the other. She can join me or she can watch me. I hope I don't chicken out and go back to being complacent and manipulated by her.

Hi Cipher13,

I'm glad that your therapy went well.

I'm not sure if it will be helpful to you or not, but I was dealing with regular verbal abuse at home and some of the senior members of this board jumped in and gave me some guidance.  It helped a lot and most of the discussion is about boundary setting:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200881.0 (ftp://https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200881.0)

I have a more recent post where my new found boundaries were really put to the test if you want to look at it as well.  A couple of other members have said that the first one really helped them.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203417.msg12269579#msg12269579 (ftp://https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203417.msg12269579#msg12269579)

Good luck!  The one thing that I hear strong and clear is that you love your wife and have no problem showing it or taking responsibility for your role in things.  Good for you :)  Its hard to be loving and kind in the middle of a storm but calm, strong, loving boundaries are what he needs from me.  I love him and I love myself therefore I will not allow him to behave in a certain way towards me.

PS You sound incredibly empowered.  Good for you.  You will experience some self doubt but that is normal :)

I think you stole this post from me... . cause I sure feel like I wrote it. I'm new to the site as well.

We were seeing a counselor together until she stormed out after the 4th session accusing me of colluding with the therapist against her. She will so back so long as her emotional and physical abuse is left off the table as well as some other behavioral dysfunctions. The counselor called me and asked if I knew what BPD was... . and if he could recommend a counselor for me. Its been 20years of dealing with the progressively worse symptoms. I thought I could outlast the disorder... . but it has grown worse.

The problem is the balance has tipped... . you mentioned "the good times". I did the same for years finding small joys in her happiness. Now the in-betweens are far longer, the despair deeper and the anger more furious. The better I get at enduring and managing through the episodes... . the more she seems to up the stakes. Even the reconciliation after an episode seems to be turning into simple retreat, regroup and prepare for the next attack.

Its unfortunate... . I love her and will hang in as long as I can but depth of my investment is waning with each passing week. You're no good to her if you can't save yourself.

It's not called "crazy-making" for nothing... . I read somewhere that you can know who in the room has a mental illness, because "his/ her spouse looks like the crazy one".