BPDFamily.com

Leaving isn't always as easy as just going no contact.  Sometimes people have kids, finances, legal marriage considerations and housing issues.  If it could only be that easy.

One of the things that helped me was to reconnect and look for support - like a therapist.  This helped quite a bit to take myself out of the vacuum of isolation and the chaos of having BPD behaviors around everyday.  It gave some perspective so I could start to make some clearer decisions.

What where some of the things you did that helped you on that road to leaving?

If you have kids/family how did you handle it?  What were some of the considerations?

If you had shared finances/housing what did you do? 

If you were married how did you start to approach the separation or leaving?

First thing was to break social isolation and find happiness, support and love from others.

Second thing was to accept that the only reason I'm in that relationship, was because of me.

Sometimes getting some functional things going helps.  Hanging with friends and family helped me - even when I didn't really want to do it.

If anyone else has some recommendations for newbie members as far as hands on functional things that helped please chime in.

I started travelling.  My ex and I had many plans to see many places. But he always had to make sure he could pull it off incognito by not letting anyone know first. Then there was his schedule and kids. I put off a lot of destinations on my list to wait for him. Well, No more. I've already been to a few places and concerts on my own and with friends. It's sad but yet liberating being free to do as I please and not have to worry about WHEN to go.

I also started surfing again. Gave that up because my ex didn't want to be seen with me at a public beach on my days off. It feels good to be out in the water.

I do a lot more with my friends and family now. I used to basically leave my calendar open for my ex and put off a lot of activities for the convenience of his schedule. It wasn't a problem but looking back now, it's not a healthy balance.

I'm going back to volunteer services for a club in my state. It's not only great but makes me feel like I'm helping people who will appreciate it.

I've also been reading a lot and practicing breathing and meditation techniques. This has been helpful when the monster side of my ex emerges around me or when I'm feeling down.

I don't have kids. He does but only has them on weekends. We don't share finances or anything of that sort. It's not complicated like a lot of the married people here. Its pretty much just me on my own.

The importance of this cannot be stressed enough. Unwinding a relationship is never easy, and the "checklist" is long and tiring. Not having a good support system can make one much more susceptible to giving in to recycle attempts, or just not doing anything because the road seems so hard.

I found a therapist that helped keep me accountable. I let my family know of my intention to divorce. I posted here. It's best to not go it alone.

What where some of the things you did that helped you on that road to leaving?

bpdfamily helped a great deal.Good souls on this site. :)

Friends.I can't stress enough how much friends helped me.They listened,didn't judge,gave advice and pushed me to get out and have fun.

They're still helping,although they may not realise it.

Hobbies and re-decorating the house helped me.I got to make it "mine".

Reading everything I could about BPD,then reading other books when I realised my own part in it the RS.

If you have kids/family how did you handle it?  What were some of the considerations?

Spend as much time as possible with the kids.They're going through a great deal of change.It's difficult for adults,so it's also difficult for children

as well.Therapy has helped them SO much.Validate their feelings and be honest.



If you had shared finances/housing what did you do?

I always kept my finances seperate from stbx,for obvious reasons.Someone had to be the adult when it came to paying bills and seeing that we

had a roof over our head,electricity,water,etc.,,I kept the house! :D 

If you were married how did you start to approach the separation or leaving?

Made sure all finances were locked down,credit cards hidden(mine),my vehicle keys hidden,started recording all conversations between stbx and I,

went as LC as possible while living together,made sure the kids were taken care of,kept working as usual,went to kids sports events as usual.

We lived as roomates for YEARS,so it wasn't that big of a deal.Kinda like having a roommate move out,except for missing the kids when they weren't with me.

Thank you all for posting.  Sometimes some functional advice is helpful because the emotional part can be really overwhelming.

This is what has worked for me... .

- reconnect with friends and family

- find a good therapist that can help you to work on YOUR issues.  Concentrate on making YOUR therapy about YOU!  Sure, we all need to "vent" about our situations, but remember that you cannot control the actions/thoughts/feelings of another person!

- join a gym and force yourself to go everyday!  It's hard at first to get the motivation, but once you feel the results both physically and mentally,) you will incorporate it into your everyday life!  It does wonders for me!

- Don't jump into anything new too quick!  Trust me, 2 years out of mine and I am still not ready.  Sure I've had "fun" and "flings," but remember you cannot offer anything to anyone else until you can make sense of the s**tstorm that you have been through!

- Familarize yourself with BPD, but don't obsess over it!  Remember that everyone is some version of some PD, so dont get hung up on it!  If she is "true BPD," so what?  What are you going to do about it?  You can't control it, the only thing you can control is YOURSELF!

- remember, YOU are what matters... . if you x was too "crazy" to place any importance / value in you, then you will find someone who will!  It's her loss!

These are things that I have found that work.  Do I still have my moments, of course I do!  I am human!  But I can't dwell on past events! 

Hope some of that helps!

MCC

1. Seeing a therapist

2. BPD Family

3. Volunteer work= SUPER rewarding!  Went to Oklahoma to help tornado victims. 

4. Setting a challenging goal for myself.  I signed up for a 10k mud run which I competed this past weekend.  (I am NOT a runner, so I started training). I finished in the top 10% of my age group.  YAY! 

5. Friends, Family & Dogs.  Lots of love there!

Making the emotional decision to not put up with the BS anymore. For me it was a choice and I had had it up to my neck in being tortured, controlled, bossed around, and pouring into a person who drained me to the point of my hair falling out. He was unlikeable and I became truly disgusted spending my time with him.

Sticking to my decision and knowing on some level he wasn't going to change and that my ex was truly sick was my ticket to freedom.

After the choice I got a therapist, went NC and eventually had to get a restraining order to handle his extinction bursts. It was tough but I never looked back. Cried, mourned and grieved tons and learned all I could about BPD and narcissism whenever doubt about his character wanted to creep in and reclaim my mind. At first I thought BPD was some kind of cruel joke but nope... . real deal... . no BS... . certified mental illness.

I found support in friends, family, counselor, BPD family and most by connecting with myself.

I made a list of things I always wanted to do but have not been doing. It feels great. It's also good to know that I am not so much of a loser as my ex used to make me believe.

I am going to write some strange experience here. When my ex and I decided to take time off, 6 weeks ago I was so out of love. I felt nothing for him. I used to be with him but didn't feel anything for him, no love, no anger. Yes there was concern, which I have for most people. Being with him towards the end of r/s actually alarmed me and got me where I am today, road to recovery .LC did bring back old memories and feelings but I had the realization by then, that I need to be out of it. Seeing him suck life out of himself and me helped move forward.

I agree about sticking to my decision knowing he wasn't going to change and was truly sick.

* First, I joined a church and the friends I met there have stuck by me 100%, if it wasn't for them I may have been sucked back into my ex's insane world. They got me out doing things I always wanted to do, but never could under the thumb of my BPD ex.

* My therapist is helping me through recovery from the abuse.

* BPD Family is a great place to read and post.