BPDFamily.com

Hi, question I'd really appreciate feedback on: Does motherhood generally improve a BPD's intrapsychic difficulties?

Especially if the BPDf went through indescribable and toxically shameful incest vis-a-vis her biological father; an incest that occured with the full complicity of her envious BPD/narcissistic mother? (An incest that quite possibly continues in some form to this day and dares not speak its hideous name!)

WMO - we cannot answer that unfortunately. All Borderlines are not alike and much like "Non BPDs" - some are good Moms and some aren't! Triggers can be so different.

Whats the reason for your question?

My ex was the happiest when our babies were little and depended on her for everything. She even made a remark after we split about how we should have kept having babies. it was my experience that motherhood did help her while the kids were infants.

No. In the cases where it appears to be helping, what's really happening is that they are using the kids as a crutch for their illness--as a source of the unconditional love they crave, as addictions (if they have many of them), and as a way to focus externally so as to avoid facing their own pain. But the root trauma is still there. It didn't go anywhere if it hasn't been addressed and fixed.

I can only speak for my mother and that is as long as I was an only child, she was sometimes physically abusive but was kind and even interested in me. As soon as my sister was born when I was 6, however, she focused on seeing my sister as perfect and not only amped up the physical abuse but began completely verbally and emotionally abusing me. So, in her case being a mother fed into her sickness and as soon as the situation suited her she simply split my sister and I into extreme white/black categories. I couldn't even imagine what adding horrible trauma to that mix would have done.

The reason for my question is that very-high professionally functioning/multiply compartmentalized BPDx is scheduled to be married in less than four-weeks and I know how desperately she wants a baby. She may already be pregnant and that may be the leverage she is using to rush the marriage. (Additionally, she is a school teacher and luuuuuuvs little children, if that helps add to her psychological profile.)

She soo desperately wants to have a baby because it will: 1) give her a much greater social stature in her social circles; 2) give her a powerful sense of self/sense of identity/sense of purpose; AND 3) give her a source of unconditional love.

A good friend of mine who knew her well told me his greatest fear relative to her having children is that she could be at a high-risk of miscarriage due to: 1) her history of eating disorders; 2) her history of alcohol and drug abuse (in addition to being maxed out on psychopharmacological meds); 3) her chronic, default level of grossly-unhealthy stress; 4) her age (she is approaching mid-30s).

(Additionally, she is in a socioeconomic class where nannies can easily be hired to take care of the dirty work. I presume that would make certain things easier and reduce key stressors.)

WMO

I can imagine, this is not easy for you. 

And I agree with you, a desperate wish for children can be a reason for her rush.

Like others said, nobody knows how she will be as a mother. And being a mother for a new born is not the same as for a teen daughter later. And there are many reasons out there why people have children!

What you can do is focus on your side of the street. You can ask yourself about you and having children. What does this means for you? Perhaps it is also a moment of grieving... .

We are here for you.