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I had an unexpected feeling creep up on me last night as I got ready to go home after my evening of sports.  I felt safe.  I knew that I wouldn't have to deal with the insanity of trying to make sense of my uBPDex's reasoning and behavior.  I knew that my bed would welcome me, my journals would want to hear from me, my friends care, and God is on my side.  I wouldn't arrive home to feel lonely because he was out unexpectedly, otherwise engaged until after midnight with his computer, or in a state of hating me.

It was a big moment for me.  Very freeing.  Very relieving. 

Amongst all the craziness of healing from loving someone with BPD, all the pain, all the confusion - is anyone else finding moments of relief?  Moments where you just know this is the healthier option?  Do you just know it, or do you really feel it?  Because that was it - I've been "knowing" it for awhile (much longer than I care to admit - just only acted on it recently) - but last night I really felt it all through my body.   

Hi H4E, I try to remind myself to be Grateful for the moments of relief and Gracious during the difficult times.  If nothing else, my life is a lot more peaceful after divorce from my BPDexW, though there are plenty of challenges ahead.  I don't miss what you aptly refer to as the "insanity" of trying to make sense of BPD thinking, which exhausted me.  I'm slowly getting my stamina back!  LuckyJim

I used to dread going home! I never knew what would be waiting for me when I got there! I found myself staying away from the place that should have been my sanctuary! I actually preferred to be at work!

I now look forward to going home to peace and quiet. To whatever I want home to be! I also am more productive, both at work and home! I never realized just how much of my attention and energy was being monopolized by a BPD spouse.

Life in general has improved in countless ways since I decided to put an end to the dysfunctional marriage, and dispose of the toxic influence he was having on me. It wasn't and isn't always easy, however it is, without a shadow of a doubt, better without him!

Best Wishes,

Val78

"I used to dread going home! I never knew what would be waiting for me when I got there! I found myself staying away from the place that should have been my sanctuary! I actually preferred to be at work!

I now look forward to going home to peace and quiet. To whatever I want home to be! I also am more productive, both at work and home! I never realized just how much of my attention and energy was being monopolized by a BPD spouse.

Life in general has improved in countless ways since I decided to put an end to the dysfunctional marriage, and dispose of the toxic influence he was having on me. It wasn't and isn't always easy, however it is, without a shadow of a doubt, better without him!"

X10!  :)

I must say I feel the same way.  Although I still find myself struggling with feelings of loss and despair, I know that I had to finally stand up to mine.  She was walking all over ME.  Whether or not she realized what she was doing, or if she actually cared about what she was doing, is irrelevant.  I was able to reclaim MY life and it felt great!

I LOVE living MY life!  I am lonely at times, but I keep busy, workout constantly, and am finally able to do what I want, when I want!  It is a freeing feeling!

The ability to be ME without compromise is AMAZING!

I sit back, and what I have seen from my x is that she is repeating her same patterns as usual.  This takes a MOUNTAIN of guilt from my back, because I realize that nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome of the r/s!

The Pain / Hurt is still there, but it is getting better everyday!

One day at a time, remain NC, as there is NOTHING that they can do for you!  That's what I need to keep reminding myself of during my low times... . BUT it is getting better and ultimately I am a better person because of all of the HELL that she brought into MY life!



MCC

Wow... . Can't wait for that feeling. Glad to hear there is still hope :)