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Just wondering how others deal with the crazy cycle and parenting plan in the aftermath of divorce. It's officially been 10 weeks since it's all been final and it took 7.5 months to get it final. I have the kids probably around 75-80% of the time. During the divorce process he wanted to get back together one time and now he has come vpback around to this phase again. There is no chance of this happening but he seems to cycle around to this every 5-8 months. He also has ups and downs with parenting. Our kids are S8 months and D3. Sometimes he communicates well, sometimes he puts his job first and his parenting time doesn't happen (and because he is job hopping right now), one day he states he is moving out of state 7 hrs away and will terminate his parental rights, and sometimes he continually requests additional time with the kids. Through all of it I try to respond the same way and stick to the clear plan drawn up in our family plan. He thinks we should spend time together as a family, which I am not comfortable with because it is confusing to D3 and I don't care to spend time with him. I know I need to maintain distance so I don't get sucked into his lies! Anyway, he is acting like I am, denying him something by not bending the parenting plan and giving in to all his requests for extra time. The only thing I have done is allow him to come to my house for one hour when his new job took him out of town for an entire week. All other requests I come up with an excuse or say no. He has requested many alterations to the plan in just 10 weeks and I feel like I need to draw a hard boundary so he doesn't think I will always change the schedule for him. Also part of me doesn't trust he wouldn't be documenting extra time and we'd end up in court with him claiming to be super dad and requesting a change in the plan. Am I approaching this the right way? How are ores dealing with this type of thing? Does it ever slow down?

Hi hazy,

*welcome*

Sorry you are dealing with all this back and forth.

I think first you need to look at the parenting plan and then think about what modifications you are willing to accept and on what terms if any. (for me I had to have at minimum 24 hr notice for a change if there was to be any at all)

Write these thoughts down to remind yourself of your needs and tuck them into your files to refer to.

Keep a calendar of his time.

Keep contact to email as much as possible.


Part of his behavior is what is called an "extinction burst".

See Link below:

Extinction Bursts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0)

In a nutshell:

It is what happens when you set a limit. There is a good example of an elevator button... . The pwBPD (or whoever the limit is being set for) will continue to push the button hoping to get to the 4th floor. If the door opens one day then they will continue pushing. If it doesn't open the next time they will push harder. If it never opens again then eventually the pwBPD will learn to not even try to go the 4th floor.

So, "intermittent reinforcement" of a limit causes this kind of cycle of button pushing to continue because the elevated behavior of the extinction burst is not allowed to run it's course.

We are here for you. It usually does get easier. It certainly has for me. A lot is about you changing your reactions to his behavior.

 mamachelle

Are you communicating with him by e-mail, by text, by phone, or face-to-face?

Mostly text and some email. Sometimes he wants to talk on the phone or face to face.

It might help if you use mostly e-mail.  That leaves a paper trail, which could be helpful later, and it also gives you a chance to stop and think before responding.

You aren't obligated to respond to everything.  You aren't obligated to answer when he calls, or to talk with him face-to-face, or to respond to his texts.  When he sends you an e-mail, you can decide what is appropriate, and what isn't, and if he raises some issues you don't want to get into, you can ignore them.

This is the approach that has worked for me and many others here - reduce communication and keep it only focused on practical stuff.

It helps to recognize and keep track of his cycles of behavior in parenting and communication. Helps you identify how to accommodate your kid's needs (and yours) best.

When my ex is in a "nice" phase and communication is very low, I am sure to be very helpful to him when he requests changes in the plan. I try to accommodate his ever changing work schedule (frequent job changes), in ways which make him happier about the situation, but to me provides more stability and usually more time with S8 to be with me. Sometimes it's late notice; but I prefer to change my plans when necessary so that I know my son is with me as opposed to whoever ex can find, but may not be best for son. I rarely request changes myself, but I may suggest changes that benefit ex's new schedule - a win-win-win kind of deal.

When we move into a phase where ex is lashing out at me, the requests from him stop and he starts telling me he will only stick to the parenting plan if I need an accommodation. (This always goes out the window when a change benefits him). It's frustrating, but I'm learning to take what I can get, and enjoy any extra time with S8.

Boundaries are important.  Firm and consistent.  A disordered person will think that if your boundary (the parenting schedule) can be bent once then it can be bent again and again.  All too soon your boudary is so weak it is hard to defend it or enforce it.  Fortunately, you have majority time and so you can deal with him from a position of relative strength.  But every exception or deviation you allow has the potential to weaken your boundaries requiring consistency and reasonableness.

He will likely use any niceness you displayed in the past against you in the future.  Yes, his work schedule can be an issue to deal with, but don't let him take advantage of it beyond what you feel is reasonable.  Generally it is best to put schedule deviations in writing so it can be documented.  It helps to reduce the risk of him trying to throw the schedule out the window.  You can hear, for example, "But I had my children on {days} and now you're saying No?  How can you hurt the children like that?"  (Blaming, implying you're doing wrong, harming or disappointing the children, etc.  My ex is an expert at it.  )

It is also very reasonable to enforce advance notification if he requests additional time.  On the other hand, don't rant at him if he doesn't take his scheduled time.  No court will force a parent to take the children, so you just shouldn't ge sidetracked by the accusatory "you didn't take the children" topic.  However, if you're always going to an exchange site and he's a frequent no-show and you're being greatly inconvenienced, then that may need to be addressed in an order modification so that you prepare and go to the exchange only when he says in advance he'll be showing up.

Matt - good point on not being obligated to respond! I often feel like I am not being cooperative if I don't respond. And since he is always texting it feels like I should respond to some. I have started only responding when it's a convenient time for me and not when the kids are awake and we're eating or playing together. I have also stopped responding when he texts me when I'm at working. If it deems a response I do it when I take a break or something but try to keep it limited or set the boundary by stating I am between meetings or something.

Free One - I also have been informally keeping track of the cycles. His major cycle time is about 5-8 months. There are if course many little outbursts in there but I can pretty much gaurentee he will try to recycle on that timeline. He will also have a come to Jesus moment on that timeline and be a "changed man" that I am supposed to trust and take at his word. I am now standing up to that over the last 7-8 months. Fell for that too many times already!

I have been accommodating with job changes but within the confines/pattern of our already laid out family plan. He thinks that's crazy. I always drop my plans when something comes up for him. I have asked for me to pickup one hour late once and most recently asked if he would like to start his vacation time an hour earlier so the kids didn't have to bounce around with it being a work day.

Holding tight to the schedule and saying no is HARD! He constantly throws in my face that as a Christian I should be more compassionate and understanding. That I shouldn't keep him from his kids. I have to keep in mind that a normal person who truly cares about his children doesn't move his family to a new "forever" house and announce he wants a divorce 3 weeks later and when his wife is 33 weeks pregnant. He also doesn't move into a one bedroom apartment and take 3 months to get anything to even support having the kids spend time with him (and his family purchases it for him not even him). A good father would have meant our daughter then 26 months would have wondered where daddy is or even asked sbou daddy when we moved in with my parents temporarily just before my son was born. But to her not seeing daddy a lot was normal.

When I think back over the past 11 months I can't believe what we have been through. I keep saying my life could be a reality TV show... . I am pretty sure people would tune in and then at least the chaos could generate some money. Ha! I have to keep laughing so I don't cry!

You also don't have to respond by the same method;  if he texts, and you decide it's a good subject, you can respond by e-mail after giving it some thought.