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Title: Setting My Own Boundaries Post by: cowboy_Roogie on June 18, 2013, 11:44:29 AM Seeking advice from those who have been going through this on how to set boundaries and keep to them.
From everything I have heard - Until they begin to get into therapy (My wife just went to her first session and looks as though she will be going through the DBT program) I need to be patient with her transgressions and continue to validate her as much as possible. In our situation - She is hiding relationships with other men (not sure if it is in fact physical or just emotional) - to the point where she changes his name in her phone to a girls name... . But I am not idiot and can figure it out rather quickly. She also is continuously putting her job and friends over me and our marriage consistantly. I know she is trying, but it is very frustrating when my thoughts go to her actions - especially the thought of the other guy. Should I be setting the boundaries now - saying NO to these other relationships? I have told her to stop before I knew about her BPD and it didn't help... . or do I allow the therapy process to begin working and then enforce these boundaries? I want my wife/life back... . and if that means I need to just 'Cowboy Up' and take the pain for a while... . I'll do it. If I need to be stopping this now; I'll do that to. Advice for this BPD novice? Thanks Title: Re: Setting My Own Boundaries Post by: Grey Kitty on June 18, 2013, 12:12:02 PM We've got a great workshop on boundaries here... .
BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries) ... . and an extra one for working through examples here as well... . BOUNDARIES: Case studies (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0) But I don't know if you will really feel able to use boundaries in this case or not. Let me explain: Rules are where you say something like "You can't be in a r/s with another guy" If you impose a rule like that, it is her choice whether to follow the rule (what you want) or break the rule (what she has been doing) Boundaries (as a tool we use here, anyway) are different: They are in a form like this: "If you do X, I will do Y to protect myself." One that many here have used is "If you verbally abuse me, I will go away (temporarily) to protect myself." That one is clear, (relatively) easy, and effective. The important difference here is that your partner gets to decide whether she wants to engage in the behavior or not. Then you decide to enforce the boundary (the consequence part). She has no choice in whether you leave or not. She can keep on sputtering and raging at empty space after you leave, if she wants, but she cannot bring you back to yell at. Notice the power and choice YOU have in this version. The only consequence I've thought of so far is leaving the r/s with her if she is also involved with another guy. Actually one member did move out in circumstances like that, although I believe the relationship is still continuing, with more distance. This boundary would protect you, but you may not be comfortable with it. Should I be setting the boundaries now - saying NO to these other relationships? I have told her to stop before I knew about her BPD and it didn't help... . or do I allow the therapy process to begin working and then enforce these boundaries? I want my wife/life back... . and if that means I need to just 'Cowboy Up' and take the pain for a while... . I'll do it. If I need to be stopping this now; I'll do that to. Sometimes reality really sucks. This is one of them. You cannot "stop this." You cannot control her actions. You can accept this, or fight this reality, it won't change the reality. It will make a big difference to you whether you accept it or fight it, though. This workshop on radical acceptance might help you. Radical Acceptance for family members (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0) GK Title: Re: Setting My Own Boundaries Post by: cowboy_Roogie on June 18, 2013, 12:54:44 PM Thanks for the reply and some resources I will begin to utilize... .
I am still researching the effectiveness of this DBT counselling... . I know nothing is a 'magic formula' that makes everything perfect right away - but if she goes can I expect things to change on her end because of this? Thanks again Title: Re: Setting My Own Boundaries Post by: Grey Kitty on June 18, 2013, 01:52:12 PM We've got a couple articles about DBT and how you can support someone in treatment, if you haven't read them already they might help you understand it better:
The basic principles behind Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2011/04/untangling-internal-struggles-of.html) Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy) Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy) |