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hi. i'll be 50 in september.

getting older and still not being in a loving relationship and having recently lost the two closest creatures in my life after 20 years together, my cats... . has me depressed and so lonely.

i realize that i thought limiting contact with my parents and family since i left for college and working hard in therapy for decades would have ensured happiness and closeness with other humans and a significant other.

instead i now see that i'm only a functioning version of my brother who has been locked up in a mental health state hospital for decades.

the struggles that i still face in relationships are mirrors of where i come from and how far i still have to go.

i'm in shock that i'm almost 50 and still struggling like this and still without a loving, intimate relationship.

i've gone from one relationship to the next, each person seeming a vast improvement from the last, each relationship ending after a few years. each relationship teaching me new skills and giving me new insights to take to the next. but without any "together for the rest of our lives" success.

at this point, "... . for the rest of our lives" has a new meaning: "what's left of it." and that would be fine but i'm losing hope. i know there are many at this age who are getting divorced and starting over. i was married for 5 years to my college bf. no kids. and that brings up another set of grief. timing, choices, etc and i never had kids and now it's too late. and again. i have this idea that having a child would mean a level of joy but i know there is grief there too because a child is a separate human with a life to live on their own. i see my sister's struggle more now despite her picture perfect facade and high income. she is afraid of facing life after her to sons grow up. she is in a love-less marriage. she has her problems.

i know it isn't true but i'm convinced i am the most pathetic case around.

i know outer appearances are deceiving but i'm convinced everyone else around me is so much happier and satisfied in their relationships.

i can't hold a friendship because i want them to give me the level of genuineness and openness that i never got.

intimate relationships end for a variety of reasons, bad choice in person on my part or my fears keeping me silent instead of speaking up or probably just an extension of the problems i face in friendships.

i'm working on accepting that experiencing the kind of closeness and genuineness and trust and intimacy that i've craved all my life does not exist except with non-human creatures. if i ever do experience it it is a gift and a moment. not something that lasts.

i know i have perspectives that get in the way of being realistic in relationships. and it leaves me feeling lonely then.

i think that what i seek with another human was something that i "should" have received in childhood. when i didn't receive it then the window closed. and that's it. or maybe it doesn't exist at all and i'm some extreme idealist using hopes and dreams of feeling safely known and loved and accepted and giving the same as a way to keep myself miserable... .

i feel lonely in my current relationship

i'm afraid to see a friend that i haven't seen in over a year because i'm afraid of hearing about her life being wonderful and me feeling worse.

that sounds awful but sometimes it is hard to be happy for others when i feel cheated.

the only thing that keeps me going right now is plans that i'm working on to cash in some retirement accounts to go to Africa to volunteer with the Big Cats. And I hope I die there.

I used to beg the universe to let me go when my two feline boys went. now they're gone and i'm STILL here.

if i knew that there would be no consequence i would take matters into my own hands.

i'm tired. very very tired. i've worked hard and all i have is , yes, a wonderful 20 years with my cats, a disability income that actually gives me some freedom to do things like volunteer.

as a kid we had dogs and that is when i learned animals are the safest and most loving and most trustworthy creatures. and i'm still in that mindset.

i put off adopting a dog now because of my plans for Africa and not wanting to leave him/her in some kennel. no friends i could ask.

and while adopting a dog would be a wonderful gift to myself, what am i going to do when i get too old to care for myself. that terrifies me.

i can not believe this is my life.

then i remember my brother and my parents and think, why did i think i would have anything more? well, i thought the inner work i did would have gotten me further, but apparently i had much further to go from the start than i had realized... . so while i may have made great strides internally, the end result still falls so short from what i thought i have at this age... .

i stay in this relationship with this bf just for now. til i go to Africa. he pisses me off and i experience him as condescending judgmental angry. i stay because the sex is great and we do a lot of outdoor activities which i appreciate because otherwise left to my own devices i have little motivation to move my body. we've been dating for almost two years. i know i'm half of the problems. i'm speaking up much more with him especially since my cats passed. i am more fearless since they've gone. which is good. i don't know what imperfections of his to live with and which ones to walk away from. i have a habit of walking out of relationships by blowing up after "taking too much #@%". so while i'm learning and doing things different with this bf i'm still miserable. he drinks too much but he's responsible. i thought he was brutally honest but this weekend he lied to his son making up some excuse about why we were too late to pick him up friday night and that we'd get him in the a.m. he went so far as to try to make it sound like he was busy driving when he talked to him. i told him i thought he was strict about telling the truth. he said it was to spare his son from feeling hurt or unwanted that we weren't picking him up that night. i don't buy that. it was to spare himself feeling bad. i was shocked and something shifted inside. i huge reason why i'd stayed was because i trusted him in a way i've NEVER trusted another. now i see i was mistaken. he lies. apparently everyone lies. but the extent he went thru made me recall past incidences that were confusing but that i'd let go of doubt and chose to trust him. now i don't trust him. but then i wonder if i'm not being too extreme or idealistic etc... .

am i completely honest? i strive for that but know i must not be perfect about it. am i being honest by not sharing all of these thoughts and feelings with my bf? what do i do with my mistrust now?

i've been learning a level of detachment in this relationship. i am able to interact with him and even enjoy myself sometimes despite unfinished business between us, and now despite my trust having been affected. we live apart. actually 60 miles apart. and that suits us both just fine. we see each other a few weekends each month. we are in no way ready to live together. and to be honest as much as i'm hanging with him til Africa and i'm just waiting to see what happens... . i also not surprisingly think he is doing the same, til he gets a job up north. i also partly don't want to be the one to end this relationship. my plan is to just keep speaking up and see where it leaves us the more honest i become with him about my wants/boundaries/etc... .

which leaves me with what i'll close with: there are so many layers and levels and tangents and intentions and motivations and interpretations between two people... . how can it ever become happy... . i keep revisiting the idea that i need to alter my expectations in a relationship with a significant other.

thank you for reading this all... .

BPDFamily.com

Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD => Topic started by: Lisbeth Salander on June 18, 2013, 11:46:02 PM