BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone! My uBPDh reminds me daily that the marriage is over.

I've learnt to disregard that as he never follows through with these treats.

It's getting worst lately as he felt like I've changed since we met 4 years ago and he feels cheated.

This hostility has an effect on our 3 yo as he thinks not talking between parents is normal.

My son is the main purpose I'm staying, but I dunno anymore.

Any advice would be good... .

 *welcome*

I'm not giving an advice - I'm just wondering

What do you want to do?

Where's your heart/head/gut at in all this?

and

How do you feel about being threatened with divorce every day? What affect is it having on you (not your son)?

Again, welcome to bpdfamily.com.

Are the threats really daily or does it just seem that way?  Do the threats come after an incident?

My H was threatening divorce everytime he painted me black.  When he first began the threats, they came about every 6 months, then they became more frequent, to the point that they were coming every 2 weeks or so.  The threats would always come after he had dysregulated over something stupid. 

What happens?  Does he threaten, and then just go on his merry way?  or what?

BTW... . you probably haven't changed.  It's just that he no longer thinks that you're perfect.

uBPDw ran away  for 3 mos in 2010 , i filed for divorce . her new love didn't pan out , many over the years didn't . he was still married . she returned and after a couple of months i dropped the dropped the divorce hoping she'd go to T and save 37yrs of history . anyway she immediately started telling me i should have carried thru . we lived together w handicapped 25 S for 1 1/2 yrs of horror with all 3 of us going round robin and she refused professional help , cut off her many friends and sat when not raging . past feb filed dissolution with everthing signed and ready , she didn't show . divorce would be a disaster to S. had no more $ for lawyers , nor does she . a month or 2 of silent planning and she left while S and i were at grocery . returned to the married guy refuses to ansewer any communications. my wants aside she'll likely return someday . she owns half our home . only after her recent run did i find this site . i'm concerned with S and i healing. we see T . her future is her call not mine. she knows to return a T is expected for her

I wanted to tough it out till we migrate to his original country as he's happier n his 2 daughters are there.

Now i m confused again... . it seems like hes serious about d, although 1.5years ago, he threatened divorce but nothin happened.

I usually continue my days and months later things are 'normal' again.

How it affects me? Treat it like a test of patience, still learning... .

Threats came once every few months about something small... . i questioned him just now and he couldn't remember ... .

Now the threats were specifically directed at my 'total' change in sexual perferences, when i say no to his unrealistic advances... . 3 situations in the last week... .

I dun feel as bad as the very first threat 1.5years ago... . but cant help but to be prepared... . just in case... .

My heart goes out to you.

Stay strong for yourself and your son... .

Sometimes we get it wrong in marriage but not with the children.

Thank you all for the notes... .

Im struggling to 'fight' the right way without being weak n apologetic all the time... .

If he talks divorce at the times you aren't complying with his wishes, it sounds like a tactic to control you.

The best way to nip this talk is to validate and agree.

He:  I hate you, I want a divorce.

She: We aren't getting along very well, maybe we should divorce.  I don't wish you to be miserable.

He: (extinction burst) Yes we should and you will have nothing, I'm taking the house, car, kid, dog and you will live in a cardboard box

She:  Maybe you are right, maybe not.  Lawyers can work out the details.  I'll make some calls (walk out of room)


When the stick loses its kapow, they tend to stop using it. 

Thank you Rose Tiger... . it does seem that way... . Im trying to recall the past 2 outbursts,

He always start provoking me when I don't respond to his rage... . and after he got the angry respond, he would turn around n sleep almost immediately... .

He says things that I've done is pushing him away from me, but can't name any specifics and I don't question anymore as I know its not me.

I sometimes feel that he jealous of my work, kid r/s , everything... .

For the technique above, do I use it all the time ?

Am I to remain the same activities at home or try to be a better wife? Eg with chores n quitting my job n remain home... . that is something he brings up all the time that I broke the promise of caring about our son... . I'm sick of that and want to just stay home n see whatvelse he can use against me.

Is he going thru mid life crisis? All he wants is to be alone... . he said I'm still allowed in the house as I'm just a bad housemate to him.

Now he just ignores me and my son like we don't exist. Hides his phone.

If he is hiding his phone he has something to hide. At the very least he is talking to other women, most likely he is cheating. You have to think about your daughter. Over the long term having a parent with BPD who has not getten treatment damages children. Life is too short to waste it away trying to get him help.

Just got home n quickly looked thru his last call out. Nothing.

I don't think he has the confidence to cheat, but he flirts with waitresses n people at the bar he frequents.

I'm terrified abt the impact he will hv on our son.

How to get him to therapy when he thinks nothing is wrong with him n he's god ?



I

Maybe work on being there for your son and not worry so much about your husband's behavior.  There are certain things you can control and your husband isn't one of them.     Something that might help is to ignore bad behavior as much as you can and give attention to good behavior with praise.  "Thank you honey for getting the mail!"  *smooch*  Go work on something else when he is ignoring you and son.  Learn about validation and boundaries.  Be a mirror, and not a sponge.  Therapy won't do a bit of good if he does it because he 'has to', versus he chooses it himself.

[quo author=Rose Tiger link=topic=203848.msg12272838#msg12272838 date=1371883222]Maybe work on being there for your son and not worry so understandingabout your husband's behavior.  There are certain things you can control and your husband isn't one of them.     Something that might help is to ignore bad behavior as much as you can and give attention to good behavior with praise.  "Thank you honey for getting the mail!"  *smooch*  Go work on something else when he is ignoring you and son.  Learn about validation and boundaries.  Be a mirror, and not a sponge.  Therapy won't do a bit of good if he does it because he 'has to', versus he chooses it himself.[/quote]
Thank you, i do need a hug. i try to hold on to anger but i cant... . the nature of caregiving starts... . i must admit i need more learning n understanding on validation n boundaries,... . im still to ready to let go

Sometimes it takes making friends with your anxiety feelings.  Do a body check when he is frustrating to you.  Does you stomach clench up?  Think to youself, oh there is clenched up stomach, my old friend.  Do you feel anxiety rising?  Oh dear, it's feeling uncomfortable... . there are ways to calm yourself, sight, touch, breathing.  Take focus onto something else for a few moments, the way the floor feels against your feet, how soft the back of your hand feels, look at something pretty and focus on it.  All these things help to bring you back to the moment and are calming.

When we master the physical side of being upset, we can move on to diffusing a stressful situation.