BPDFamily.com

I'm new here and still trying to learn. I would really appreciate if people could explain: 1) WHY intimacy triggers all the extremely nasty aspects of them to emerge, and 2) WHY they push away/seemingly hate the people closest to them?

Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

I don't know the "textbook" answers to this - but my own gut feeling is that the closer we are, the more we can see through their protective layers and their defence mechanisms.  They like to live in the idealistic, so as soon as we scratch the surface, they're filled with shame and fear that we might see the "real" them (which is the messed up part). They feel so unloveable that they just "know" that we'll leave them if they see this.

So they know it can't last forever.  And their happiness is going to be taken away! (so they think).

So they devalue us quickly, in order that it hurts less when they move on. It's a defence mechanism.  And they DO have to move on, in their minds, as we're going to leave them eventually anyway... .

It's just so sad. x

Because intimacy validates that we are worthy of love.

BPD's at their core are filled with toxic shame and feel worthless, broken and unlovable. That's why our intimacy triggers their inner ugly because worthlessness and shame are at the core of who they are. They are hurt trapped children who live in self-hating adult bodies. Intimacy gets beneath the delicate egg-shell mask of normalcy that they work so hard to create because intimacy is genuine closeness. When someone gets close enough their survival instincts kick in because their worst nightmare is being discovered for the truly worthless human beings they feel themselves to be. This is where the panic mode ensues... . they reject us, abandon us,  self-sabotage, try to control us... . have tantrums... . and all other kinds of acting out behaviors to avoid looking within.

They are truly damaged children and simply cannot trust love even though they crave it so badly.

Hi Wanna Move On and  *welcome*


My understanding is what starts the disorder in people with BPD (pwBPD) is an early abandonment trauma that occurs at a very young age (3-5?) which interrupts their emotional development.  I've read that this is sometimes compared to PTSD, except that it occurs at an early developmental stage; and considering how much difficulty an adult mind has dealing with PTSD, I can't imagine what this does to a child's mind.

The key is that this trauma happens to them at a time when their mind is defining what intimacy (i.e. between parent and child) and familiarity (i.e., family) means to them.  So not only has their emotional development arrested at that early developmental state because of this trauma, but also any kind of *reminder* of those feelings they where just beginning to develop (such as learning that parent and child are independent individuals, and the child is learning to tolerate separation from parent) becomes a trigger for the recollection of the trauma.

So I imagine for pwBPD their mind is stuck at an impasse.  On the one hand the mind (perhaps) is motivated to progress past this stage of emotional development (i.e. establishing a stable attachment to an object/parent), but each time they get to a certain point, their recollection of their trauma is triggered setting off a whole cycle of maladaptive behaviors and they reset their development I guess.  So they are stuck in this loop, which has gone on for a very long time.

So (1) intimacy triggers their "extremely nasty aspects" because intimacy (perhaps) triggers the recollection of their early abandonment-betrayal-denigration (which ones, abandonment, betrayal or denigration depend on the specific history of the pwBPD -- could be all three) trauma.

and (2) they push away and hate those closest to them because those closest to them are the ones who trigger these feelings of intimacy and familiarity which then trigger the recollection of their trauma.

Hope that makes sense.

Best wishes, Schwing

Many of us have done it too. Pinning our hopes, wants, and needs onto someone else. It's rarely possible to find someone to fill that all the way, or all the time, and when the cracks start to show we can really start to see what's what. For many of us, that's often a gradual process. For pwBPD, it can go from all light to all dark in an instant, triggered by memories, intimacy, not enough attention, shame, false perceptions, etc.

They project their pain onto whoever is closest, inducing a very temporary state of relief before they recoil from what they see in the damaged mirrors we've become. Hurting others, and themselves, perpetuates the patterns. When you can't even trust yourself and your own actions, how would you be able to trust anybody else?

Unable or unwilling to take personal responsibility, they blame others which adds to the shame they're already stockpiling for another stormy day. Being constantly defensive while constantly needy does not add up to a balanced whole.

We become the scapegoat they feel themselves to be.

I don't have BPD but intimacy triggers me off as well-makes me feel too vulnerable... . that the other person can see all my weaknesses and that they won't like me once they see my weaknesses. That core belief isn't as strong as it once was but it's still an issue for me-if I feel bad, then I like having time alone and that can be off-putting to other people. They don't understand it-I can be around people a lot normally but when I feel upset, I don't want to talk about it because I think that'll just make me dwell on it even more.