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Title: Always and never statements Post by: darkstar on June 21, 2013, 04:33:06 AM Hi all,
today I was reading my old posts, and I realized how often I used these two words in my old posts, specially in the first ones and I am shocked. English is not my first language so I began to think about. In my native language German I cant remember anymore that I used this words the last years to anyone. But I remember with my ex I used them too and she did also. We were talking to each other only in English, her native language is french. Maybe I over analyze this but wow, I just imagine how this must be an impact on a BPD and maybe it was one of the main triggers in our relationship... . I did simply invalidating her feelings with this no? I am usually not very emotional and very gray in my thinking, but with English it was like someone else is talking not the real me sometimes. Can anyone with a first language other then English relate to this maybe? take care, dark Title: Re: Always and never statements Post by: goldylamont on July 01, 2013, 03:18:04 AM hi darkstar, i only speak english, however i can relate to the "always" and "never" statements you speak about. with my uBPDxgf this would come up when we were arguing too--sometimes either i or she would say "you always do... . " or "you never... . " and this was a point of contention. i began to watch the way i was speaking and try to not put things in terms of always/never, and i feel she tried too.
but, ultimately there was no fix to the communication problems we were having. she has a mental illness, doesn't see facts as they are; so regardless of whether i were to phrase things properly or not, in a calm loving demeanor or not, i was often blamed/criticized/abused. it's good to take note of the language when talking to a loved one--and apply them to your next healthy relationship. you could fix the words you said to your ex but not sure this would have fixed any of your issues much Title: Re: Always and never statements Post by: VeryFree on July 01, 2013, 03:30:20 AM English isn't my mothers tongue either.
I know what you mean, but I don't think it has to do with the language you are speaking. It all has to do with communication-skills. Me and my x also used 'always' and 'never' way too much. It's one of the first things you learn when you are trying to improve communication with your SO: don't point and don't use these words. |