BPDFamily.com

Hello. I haven't posted on here in quite some time, though I read the boards often. The last time I posted I was still dating my now uBPD husband, and probably chalked a lot of the issues up to adjusting to married life... . but things have taken such a turn as of late that I thought I'd ask for some advice, maybe someone has been in a similar situation.

During my posts of about two years ago, bf and I were having difficulties that centered around his female coworkers. Ironically, the one he seemed to be closest to was laid off that winter. The company continued to downsize and bf was laid off about a month later. We were living together in his house at the time and several months went by of collecting unemployment and him doing odd jobs on the side here and there for cash. At that time we still had our separate bank accounts and I was contributing to mortgage and bills each month. We got engaged in May, and he had even saved up to buy a ring with some of his side endeavors. It was the second marriage for both of us so we planned a small backyard wedding at his parents' home for that September.

Immediately after getting engaged he got another job from which he was laid off two months later around July. Part of me was relieved since it wasn't until about that time that he told me he'd been working with the same girl that was the issue for us at the previous job... . and had failed to mention this to me the entire time. I truly don't believe there was ever an actual affair... . but so much lying and weirdness around it that it was always an issue. But I digress... . that was the last time to date that he's worked, almost a year ago.

Red flags and all I went through with the wedding. His parents contributed about half the cost to cover the caterer and reception at their house. I covered everything else -- honeymoon, my dress, his suit, flowers, invitations, music, photographer, etc. etc. it was at least $10K maybe more. We received a nice chunk in wedding gifts, of which we used some for spending money on our honeymoon and the rest was combined with the remaining $10K or so I had in savings at the time to open our joint bank account. Looking back I was probably foolish to close my accounts and merge finances with him in the first place. He always had these weird reasonings for everything too: yes I brought cash into the marriage but he was bringing equity in his house -- sounded fair at the time right? Well turns out the house is underwater, there is no equity. He technically owns it with a "partner" -- a friend he refinanced the house with after his divorce... . well this friend up and left around 2 years ago and hasn't paid any more into the house and they haven't spoken since. H's plan was to sue him for the back money after we were married and then refinance with me... . but nothing has been done. He now blames it on him not having enough work history to refi, not having enough money for lawyer fees for the lawsuit... . so basically him and another guy own the house that I'm paying the mortgage on. Any attempt at getting him to start legal proceedings have just been met with backlash, even with him saying to me the more I talk about it the longer he will put it off.

He was eligible for unemployment for a few months after the new year. That was a double edged sword because in his mind he was now contributing again, and besides, why should he look for a job that would probably pay less than unemployment? We got by for awhile. The washer, dryer and stove all died within a month of each other so we bit the bullet and got all new appliances. And then the unemployment ran out.

So now he is paying the mortgage and all our utilities out of that joint account (I'm not on any of these bills, which maybe is a good thing the more I think about it). I don't even really see them. He continues to handle everything the same way he has for years... . except everything is paid out of the account that only I fund. I keep telling him my salary cannot support us. We will bleed $1 - $2K for a few more months until there is really nothing left. He keeps telling me he's looking for a job. And I know he's applying, but when I told him if nothing works out soon he needs to just find something, anything even if it's low paying, who cares at this point it's better than nothing. His answer was that he doesn't need to do a g*dd*mn thing I tell him to.

I've told him I'm not comfortable with the account set up the way it is, that I'd like to have my direct deposit go into an account of my own (so that I can attempt to save something) and then transfer money to our joint account for bills and household expenses. His response to that has been threats of divorce and to tell me how much he hates me; yesterday he said if I messed with any accounts I'd come home to the locks changed and my things outside. I think he's bluffing but it's so hard to tell anymore. To make a point today, he went in and paid $3,000 of bills about ten days early, so my paycheck today and then some was gone before I got it. It doesn't sit well with me with him controlling the payment of everything when he's not even contributing! Doesn't even seem to care that I'm paying the mortgage on a house I don't own and covering everything else... . there's like this weird sense of entitlement all of a sudden.

Any attempts at trying to talk to him result in me getting called a b**ch, c**t and anything else you can imagine. That if I'm not happy I can leave, that he wants a divorce anyway. Usually he ends up putting his hand over his ears like a child or putting on headphones. There is no talking to him about anything at this point.

I'm a professional in my mid-thirties and I can't believe I'm allowing someone to tell me what I can and can't do with my own paycheck. I'm an accountant too, which makes it even worse. To add insult to injury, although there haven't been extravagant purchases, he basically does what he wants. The cable bill was higher this month and when I asked why he said he rented movies, and that if I gave him a "speech" about it he'd just rent more. He goes to the grocery store during the day and buys whatever he wants. He buys apps on his phone and playstation games online. If I say anything about it I'm b**ching. There is nothing left for me in terms of discretionary spending. And yesterday I found out he is still doing some of his side jobs except the cash isn't going to our account, it's being stashed away for himself. At least $300 is sitting in the basement while he charges his stuff to our account that is declining day by day. He tried to tell me he's saving for an anniversary present for me... . but I'm having a hard time buying that given that he seems to hate me no matter what I do.

I apologize for the long post, I am just at a loss... . he is literally just doing what he wants with money that only I currently make, being nasty about any attempt to budget it and making threats of what will happen if I take matters into my own hands. Do I take the chance that this is all a bluff and just stop the gravy train and let him figure things out? I've had a very hard time with boundaries with him, as he is very retaliatory and vindictive.

Thanks for any advice,

Guen

Hi Guen,

Welcome back... . drumroll please.  Its time for boundaries!  I am in accounting (CPA) and finance (CFA) and I too have occassionally been bled dry by my uBPDh.  You are not alone and having designations and knowledge about how to budget does not give you an understanding of how to enforce emotional boundaries.


He's throwing an adult temper tantrum.  One option is that you change your paycheck so that it goes into an individual account and then you immediately deposit some of the funds into the joint account for bill paying (giving you the control).  I put some links below on my own personal journey of starting to use boundaries.  I hope that the posts help.


Boundary time.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200881.0 (ftp://https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200881.0) Here is where I got my first information about implementing boundaries and here is another thread that has helped me https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203417.0 (ftp://https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203417.0)  I think both threads talking about name calling and the boundaries I started using.  Its a journey.  Today isn't a good day for me, but overall things are better since I started working the boundaries.


He is unemployed and this is the only control that he can get right now.  He is controlling you.

Thanks allibaba. I will check out your links.

I just have to say that, this is a common thing for some people with BPD. They seem to have a job, loose a job, get unemployment, loose unemployment get another job, quit, whatever it is that they decide to do. Honestly unemployment may be a curse for people with BPD, because it makes them feel like they are contributing when they are not and it makes them not care if they get another job any time soon. I went through it with my husband. I am now the sole provider, not of my choice. However my husband is attempting to get disability for his mental problems and we were told there is a good chance we just have to be patient. Doesn't make us any less broke.

Anyways, I second what allibaba said, it's time for some boundaries. My husband does not control our money, it goes into one account but I take care of everything. I tell him what he can spend, if he can spend. Because that's the only way it works for me. My question to you is why are you so afraid of him divorcing you when he treats you this way? Don't get me wrong I've heard the same threats and didn't want a divorce. But at some point you need to call his bluff or else things are going to keep going the way that they are. He's not going to like your boundaries but it's important to remember, the boundaries aren't for him to conform to they are for you to enforce. It's something you do when he crosses a line to say you aren't going to tolerate that. They do throw fits and get upset about it, but  you have to stick to your guns or nothing will change. He tells you to leave if you aren't happy about something, why don't you call his bluff and see how quickly things change?