BPDFamily.com

I need help identifying exactly what I am dealing with.

I am going to recount some phrases and behavior I have experienced during my relationship. I would appreciate any pointers or opinions anybody has that will indicate what "type" of BPD I am dealing with.

To my S ":)on't listen to him, he is a nasty daddy!"

To my D "Why are you horrible to me, I look out for you!"

To both my children and myself "Leave me alone i'm busy!"

To my children "Get off me!"

To me referring to my son when I want to take both my children out to the beach etc "He doesn't want to go out with you!"

To my S "don't worry i'll sort it out"

When questioned about finances "It's none of your business, GET A JOB!"

I obviously can not tell her why I refuse to leave her alone with my children.

Asked why she has spent money allocated to the children on multiple loan agreements without my consultation "It's my money, it has nothing to do with you!"

Multiple sexual partners, even shutting my children in another room while she 'engages' with them.

Keeping a log of sexual partners.

After recently moving into my home excitedly saying " I have got something really funny to show you!" when I return home from work, then proceeds to play me a video she made that day of her ex who she invited into my house. When I responded by saying "What's funny about that? What is he doing in my home?" Withdrawing from me for months.

Withdrawing from me but engaging in sexual encounters.

Crying and asking why the children are so horrible to her. When I say that I don't agree with them swearing at her and hitting her, but she confuses, baffles and agitates them, that's why they get upset. "So you agree with what they do then? Swearing at me!" "No I don't, but you have to understand they don't know or understand why you are so horrible and confusing to them". "So you agree with what they do then!", "no I don't agree with them hitting or swearing at you, but you are really frustrating and upsetting to them, they don't know how to react"."So it's okay for them to swear at me!". So the cycle would keep repeating itself.

Deliberately dividing the children the day before she knew I planned to take them out.

Not allowing me to make any improvements to the house, then blaming me because it is not organised.

Leaving pets in awful unfit conditions.

Encouraging the children to have too many pets, then refusing to help me get them to care for them.

Actively enforcing my S decision to keep a guinea pig in his desk drawer.

Not helping me prevent my S urinating in bottles in his bedroom, and emptying them for him.

Far too busy watching game shows or texting to help me deal with S underage drinking, at home and off the premises. Same attitude towards me trying to deal with his self harming and underage smoking.

Not allowing my D to have a bedroom allocated to her, making her sleep on an inadequate mattress on the floor next to her side of the bed.

Suddenly refusing to visit family with the children and still does. My eldest S has not seen my mum for over 10 years, or her.

Not washing for several months to the point where you can smell her genital area if she walks past you. Her hair all smelly too. My D who is ten has begged her to wash her hair because she is so ashamed to be seen with her.

Claiming she can not afford the rent, bills etc and borrowing money from the children, even though she had tucked thousands away in secret accounts.

Refusing to use handbags bought for her and continuing to use the same plastic carrier bag from a supermarket. This would become ripped and stained over a long period of time. When she did get a fresh one she will leave the old one on the floor with some of the contents still in it and forget about it.

Will wear the same clothes for days at a time.

Attacking me for rushing my D to the hospital with a temperature of 39.9 deg centigrade, then switching off my alarm I set to get up and check her temperature in the night. When challenged about this claims my D did not want to get up in the night. Then claiming it was an accident, then claiming she was being considerate towards me. Refusing since to use the alarm clock, in case i moan at her.

Keeping carrier bags full of papers all over the house and getting angry if I try to sort them out.

I will wash and fold my D clothes and she will take them and throw them on the floor. Then moan at my D because she can't find anything to wear.

I am sure there is more, hopefully this is enough for someone to get an idea of what I am dealing with.

DKK

Sounds to me there is an awful lot going on, some red flags for BPD yes, but the lack of hygiene and other stuff, seems there may be other things.  We're not licensed to diagnose here, but we can point you in the right direction of possible avenues to explore further.

Does she have a BPD diagnosis?  x

P.S What stage are you at with the "leaving"?  Let us know how we can help x

Hello mango_flower

No she does not have a diagnosis as refuses to accept she has a problem.

I also omitted to say about the rapid mood switches.

She can be highly excited at unusual times, for example the morning of her mothers funeral. When questioned become extremely agitated, and turn into a monster.

This is normally followed by withdrawal from people around her (me and children).

She could seem  quite normal and switch to talking really rapidly, completely random, disconnected thoughts often only partial thoughts, and push them in our faces, also becoming agitated and angry when we get confused.

Within a minute, if we are lucky she may switch back to a relatively normal mood.

Another one would be a sudden switch to withdrawal for no apparent reason and retreat to a room, curtains closed with her mobile phone.

Oddly she holds down a job as a Teaching Assistant too.

I am just trying to work out the "leaving" because in my stupidity I had not realized quite how bad the implications were for the children. I have been in a relationship with her for 23 years. She will not accept my offers of help.

I think from what I can gather her mother and grandmother behaved the same as she does.

Her sister also displays similar behavior.

I have read in posts about the witch, waif, queen etc and wondered which applied, as I am quite confused.

DKK

The signs she displays could actually be a number of conditions, depending on the circumstance.  Bipolar, certain subtypes of schizophrenia, cyclothymia, personality disorders... . you'd need a doctor to properly diagnose.  None of us here can do that.

I'm not trying to confuse you, just pointing out that it's not as simple as "she has X, therefore I will do this/that and she will be fixed". (I so wish it was!)

Maybe try not to get hung up on the label, and instead ask yourself the following questions:

a) Does she acknowledge that she has a problem, and does she want to get better?

b) Is she willing to commit to getting help?

c) If she got help, would you want a future with her?

d) Is there too much "water under the bridge" to ever be happy with her again?

e) What would be best for your kids?

f) Where do you WANT to be in 5 years time?

It's difficult, when there is so much loyalty and obligation. But it's up to her, she has to help herself and want to get better, regardless of the label she may have. 

I think (and this is just my opinion!) that you need to decide what you WANT to do.  And then work out how best to get to where you need to be.

Take care x

Hello mango_flower

I am no longer seeking help for her as she is in complete denial and has already, with some coaxing, seen a therapist but skillfully diverted the problem onto me.

I am trying to prepare myself for what she may do when I make the break. I find her very frightening. Considering her threats I feel she may do anything to try and prevent me.

I do not want a future with her. There is far too much water under the bridge to ever be happy again.

I think, as upsetting as it is for me, that it is time to make a change.

I think my children need to be separated from her to have the best chance of a normal life. It also does not seem to make sense to allow them to be cared for, considering the issues they seem to be facing personally, by someone with complications like this. They deserve better.

I understand that it will have an impact on them, as well as myself. I feel this would be less impact than remaining in the current situation. We are much happier and engage in normal activities if she is not present.

In five years time?

I hope by then I will have recovered from this. I also hope to have an effective system in place to manage the problems blossoming in my children.

I don't want to label her. Understanding what she possibly may do is all I want. I can't take the risk of her ending up with the children, that would not help them at all. She denies her own issues and is already making excuses for the problems my children have.

DKK

Hi DKK,

I read your "New Members" thread and this one. I believe given the above that you will find the most resources and experienced support if you go to the Family Law, Divorce, Custody (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0) Board

Many of the tools on this current board -- Detaching -- will be useful also, but attempting to cross the divide when there are marriage/children to deal with is a special case. As mango_flower says, you will need to plan. I have not experienced this myself, but given what is posted on both of these boards, I think you will need to plan for the possibility of the worst -- that your pwBPD will attempt to use the children as weapons in the negotiations, and that 'truth' as we know it will not always be in evidence. There are tools referred to on the FL, D and C board, and plenty of people with experience in this.

PP

Hello PrettyPlease.

Thank you for your response, I have taken your advice on board and shall explore those tools and begin to explore that board.

To update on my situation, I have been quite worried about my daughter as my partner has a very unhealthy amount of one on one time with her.

Recently I tried to get my daughter into the vacant bedroom and it set off the "nuke", swearing, screaming, threats against me, threats against my position as a resident in the property, accompanied with physical actions like repeated stamping on the floor, and what I can only describe as the actions of a mechanical drummer toy, fists clenched and thrusting her arms up and down in the drumming motion, screaming "why, why are you doing this, you bas**rd, you are going to get it now!, I've had it with you, you wont be here much longer now I promise you, you fu***ng bas**rd, I've fu***ing had it with you! Why don't you f**k off and leave us alone!, oh you have had it now, you wait!"

All in the close proximity of my D 10 and my S16. My D when I went to find her was cowering in the vacant room with her knee in her mouth, and it took a little while before she could even speak.

As a result of this I made my partner vacate the bedroom she shares with me and put my D in her side of the bed.

The small gifts and extended little trips out, buying her things we would not normally allow, swiftly ensued. She has now managed to get my D to occupy what was the vacant bedroom with her.

Aware of how she manipulated and programmed my eldest S, I have really been worried about this.

So this morning I asked my D what time she finishes the activity she has after school. My partner pipes up "why?, do you want us home for something?", I replied "no, I would like my D home when the activity finishes", her response is "what for?" (she is becoming agitated now). I respond by saying, "I am worried about her, considering the result of me allowing you to do this to our eldest S, and he now does not want anything to do with me, and changed his name to yours, I don't want a repeat of that". She snaps back, "like you getting S16 to stop me using his laptop!" ( my S stopped her using it because she does not wait for things to load, and stabs and jabs at it moaning it doesn't work, this has resulted in the mouse pad becoming unseated ).

I also add that I want my D to have the room alone, without my partner in it. The front door slams as she exits.

I am hoping she will return home with my D at a reasonable time this afternoon. Normally my D has to occupy herself, while my partner communicates with texts on her mobile phone. This can result in home times of 6pm or even later. It is a fifteen minute journey, and my D activities finish at 4 to 4.30pm.

Am I right to ask for my D to be brought home? Or am I overreacting? Should I let my concerns about this and the bedroom situation be unheard?

I am sure I am fogged about it, and it is the right thing to ask for, but is there a better way for me to go about it?

DKK

Hi DKK

So sorry to hear all this. You are in a very difficult marriage, with someone with huge issues and very aggressive behavior. No matter what kind of diagnose. No one deserves going through things like this. Not you, not your children... .

The story with your daughter is frightening for me too. In my opinion you need support by a therapist or DV helpline or a family help desk. Please reach out to someone.

Hello everyone,

I have been a bit overwhelmed the last few days by my situation, and been unable to sign in.

My Partner collected my S18 from uni and brought him home, I was not even told he was returning. I now find out he will be here until September!

He has occupied the room which should be my D's. That in itself has really destroyed me.

I am dreading two months of him deliberately trying to upset me with his behavior, things like not closing the front door when he uses it, taking his dinner upstairs to his room, a rule my partner set in the house, yet she wont say anything when he does it (every meal), leaving the house insecure when he goes out, cooking and allowing the smell to go through the house by not closing the kitchen door, something my partner hates if anyone else does it, but states she likes the smell when he does it. Covering himself with really strong scent that makes my S16 and myself choke and gag, he used to have some consideration regarding this, but when I asked him last night not to do it, his reply was " I live here i'll do what I like! ". This started an argument between us, as I tried to explain that he was a guest here and should respect the people who actually are residents.

My partner joined in with remarks like, " he lives here too! ", " he has been living on his own all this time and has done what he wants, how would you feel! ", " you are not going to be here much longer anyway! ". Referring to her telling me I have to leave in a months time.

During what ended up as a confrontation between him and myself I noticed the size of his pupils, which were dilated to the point where he had almost no cornea, something I have seen a lot in him.

He also went to my partner after this and said " I am going to put it on anyway in the house just to upset him! ". her reply was " okay, do what you want ".

He also has a habit of throwing his cigarette ends in a cluster out side a neighbors house, he is a WW2 veteran and suffers from dementia, his wife has had three strokes and can hardly walk yet provides sole care for him. This poor gentleman takes great offence to this, as even with his problems he keeps the outside of his house and garden very clean and tidy. I am unable to make my S see sense over this too.

To top that I am informed that I will not be allowed money for fuel, " what for!, what do you want it for! ". " I need fuel to get to the doctors each week and I have to get to the therapist, as well as take S16 to his therapist appointments " I reply. " Well you can't have it! " is her response.

My S16 has asked me to attend his consultations with the therapist, unknown to my partner who is quite agitated about him attending them, and is just throwing an autism label on him. I came across a note she had made about his appointment, ( he does not want her to attend ), and I am worried she is going to try and attend herself anyway.

Because of the fuel issues I am going to have to stop my doctors appointments and cancel my therapy, otherwise I wont be able to take my S to his therapy. I don't go out or use the car for anything except the appointments I have had. She ensures her new car has fuel and will not insure me to drive it.

She is also sniping and moaning to my D10 about how it is my fault she does not have a bedroom!

I have taken a few steps back now and find it hard to cope, I had begun to feel a little better after seeing my doctor but I can't do that now.

I am also having a bit of trouble explaining to my D that she should not be subjected to remarks like that, and adults should keep adult problems to themselves. It is hard to avoid telling her that mummy is not well, all I can really say is that mummy doesn't mean to do it, what else can I say?

That's my rant over, sorry!

I shall delve into the boards and tools recommended to me this evening, if I can get on the computer without her noticing that is.

DKK

Dear friend ,

First of all my empathies ... . How come you stayed in this abusive marriage for this many years ?  I just left a 4 month relationship with a BPD girl and the main reason was she didnt acknowlede that she was sick and was abusing me . Also how did you tolerate this much infedilities ?   

Pls read the numerous posts but i think people like us have this "saving mentality " thats why we get stuck to such people .  Reading your posts show you are a nice man (like me )  . I am not a subject expert but i think  she has borderline traits or BPD . (just my thought )  .

Its never late so please read lots and have an informed decision considering "you " and "children " as top priority . 

regards

Hi DKK,

I am sorry you and your family are struggling. I really hope that you have had some good suport on here. Keep posting - it will help you! It helped me so much to be able to talk on here. So many people don't understand it in our "normal" lives.

I noticed you said this:


As a huge animal lover this really upset me and I am sure it upsets you. Is there anyway you can get the pets out of there? It would make you feel better too I am sure as you have written about it. Perhaps it's a step that would also empower you? For the guinea pig sadly kept in an office drawer could you not take it from the house to a safe new home and tell your BPD that it has escaped? Just an idea for the sake of your pets. Sorry to go off track but you shouldnt have to watch animal abuse alongside the other issues you are dealing with.

Keep posting  

Hello, thank you for your replies.

Hopefulforfuture,

I always thought you should stand by and support your partner. Like many though I had not considered the 'inner' damage, and tried to support her when she had difficulties.

It is really painful when I think back at what my children have gone through. I am sure I must be guilty of neglect myself for not realizing the situation.

The cheating on me, well, I have no idea.

Right now I am having problems with that, and I am sure I will for a long time.

Top that with the guilt over inaction, the guilt over not helping my S18, who is now so lost, the horrible realization that my S16 is unwell, the signs emerging in my D10, and the onslaught of blame for things being disorganized, when all along I wanted to get them organized, oh and the risk of losing our home. I am shocked I have not suffered heart failure to be honest.

The latest issue over her second ' personal ' car is just compounding it.

I suppose I must be made of strong stuff! Shame I wasn't more observant.


connect,

The guinea pigs are about five years passed now, thank god.

My S16 has 8! gerbils, but we have a much better relationship, which makes it possible for me to ensure they get the correct care.

My D10 has one rabbit and we also have a good relationship, so care is provided there.

Interestingly my partners parents argued a lot, I think because of a similar situation her father was in, this resulted in my partner retreating to her bedroom as a child. My partners sister told me that she used to play with her pet mice while there. It explains why my partner always claimed she hated mice, could not stand them she said.

I am on the right track now to help the children and myself, it is just so hard to get any assistance from any official body here. I don't understand it to be honest.

This site and its members are one of the biggest helps so far, along with my new doctor. He was very helpful and understanding.

Thank you for your posts.

DKK

Hi DKK,

Thanks for your reply to me :-) Good to see you posting and talking.   Your partner sounds like depression has been a big factor (not washing, personal care etc) Mine retreats for days to his bed not leaving the house whilst in a depressive episode.

So what sort of help are you looking for from "official bodies"? Is it help for you, your children or partner or all of you? The doctors visit is great. All this can be so hard on us we need to take care of our own physical and mental health. I am just starting this now with getting more sleep and a doctors visit as a start. Like they say "put your own oxygen mask on first and that puts you in a better position to help others too" (not in a co-dep way of course  lol) Have you looked into co-dependancy? I have been attending meetings and they help too. 

Hi connect,

Yes depression has been a major factor, but mostly in the first 12 or 13 years when it would be really bad, since then it has been a mix of super highs, lows, depressions, relatively normal moods, confused and paranoid phases (which my children find really confusing and agitating) and quite angry moods.

The suggestion that she may have a problem has always ended in a very bad mood, regardless of which phase she may be in.

She did not seem to have boundaries regarding emotional attachment to others though.

One constant has been the 'push' towards any one of us, except for our S18.

She would also talk very excitedly about a 'male' at work (not just one), but never show enthusiasm like it at home.

I have been recording her with a sound device recently and confirmed my fears that she is mounting a mental assault on my D10. She is working hard at it too, I have tried to prep her as much as I can, without crossing the ' parent child ' barrier but it is very difficult trying to explain this situation to a 10 year old.

I hid the device in 'her' car today and when I played the recording it shows my partner trying to bad mouth me, "daddy this", "daddy that", telling my D she is scared to come home, buying sweets and telling my D not to say anything to daddy etc. This scares me and recently I have noticed my D gaining a noticeable amount of excess fat on her thighs and waist. My D, bless her tries to stop her when she starts ranting, a stop and a treat leads to more attempts at distortion though, it's not fair on my D.

Having confirmed my fears, I spoke to my partner this eve and told her to stop buying her treats and mounting mental assaults on her.

This of course provoked a very extreme reaction, but I have had enough, so I stood my ground, reminding her of what she has done to our S18 with the same treatment. His behavior of course was blamed on me.

I then referred to her family and the similar way they all behave, which 'nuked' her. She started shouting "GET OUT", "FU***NG GET OUT OF HERE!", "GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!, GO ON FU***NG GET OOUUUTT!", "YOU'VE HAD IT NOW!, I HAVE BEEN TAKING IT EASY ON YOU, YOU'VE FU***NG HAD IT NOW!, GEEEETTT OUUUUTTT!", with the most angry face you could imagine, thrusting her arm with extended finger towards the door, I responded by saying "no, I wont". She then stood up and scuttled towards me, still shouting to get out and pushed me, I pushed her back onto the sofa saying "no I will not get out, you have got to stop treating the children like this". She sprung up and rushed towards me and tried to punch me in the face, which I blocked. She then said ":)ON'T YOU HIT ME!", "I AM CALLING THE POLICE!" and grabbed the phone dialing two numbers, "go on" I said "call them, I did not hit you", "YES YOU DID!", "no i didn't, I have a witness", pointing to my S16 who was sitting next to where I was standing. ":)ON'T YOU BRING HIM INTO THIS!" she shouted and went to dial the last 9, at that point he said to her "no he didn't, you tried to hit him". Her mobile phone rang at that point," OH I DON'T HAVE TO, SOMEONE IS RINGING ME!, IT'S ANDY!", (her sisters husband) it was actually my S18 asking for a lift home. she exited the room and left the house to collect him.

I have decided to visit the police tomorrow to have a chat with them about the situation, I am also going to take my D to school and collect her. Not sure how I will work that with no fuel money, but I don't care, enough is enough.

I know I could have avoided the situation by retreating as I always have done, or by not saying anything at all, but I am not going to tolerate this behavior towards my children any more.

So wish me luck everyone, I will try and post tomorrow.

DKK

Hmmm... . I smell a witch borderline  Yes. Go to the police. Pack your things. Demand to see a social worker at a homesless shelter for the abused. When you see a therapist, tell them what you told us. How you are shamed for having  needs of your own. How you have been accused and abused when you express your concerns in an adult manner. That you may have experienced this also in your childhood, and may have abandonment issues of your own. That is why you stayed so long. This can be resolved in therapy. Your top priority is to not be shamed into returning to her, and reestablishing your needs and boundaries. You can see your children, but not where you use to live. Find somewhere anywhere, where there is peace, and you can just sit and think, study, work any type of job, and save money. It'a all about you and your kids future without her living with you now. Good Luck!   

Hello GlennT,

I took my D to school this morning, and informed my partner I would be picking her up and taking her to Brownies.

She did not 'nuke', but as you could imagine was not very happy about it. "What are you doing that for?", she looked annoyed but remained calm, "that's a bit stupid isn't it?". I replied "you know why, I explained that to you last night", she replied, "well i'm not paying for the fuel!". To which I replied, "I don't care about fuel", and proceeded to walk away, she said "what are you doing this for?" again, to which I replied, "I am looking after the welfare of our D" and walked away, she got in 'her' car and drove off.

I am going to the police as I said, hopefully this will be the means to a good end.

DKK

I have just realized that the last time I stood up to her (about 13 years ago), was the only other time she tried to assault me.

On that occasion my back was turned and I heard my S shout "NO MUMMY!", I turned and she had the iron raised over her head, my son I think saved me on that occasion.

DKK

Hello all,

I visited the police station today.

I imagined getting brushed off in the usual way, but this was not the case.

They were extremely helpful, and concerned by what we have to endure here.

They are making a referral to social services for us, and also inform me that they can help with the financial abuse by ensuring money meant for the family, is given to me!

I have to wait to see exactly what help I am going to get, but I feel quite relieved after going.

It was a very nice lady we saw, I say saw because S16 came with me to witness the attempted assault.

She asked for examples of my partners behavior and all the right questions. Even asked S16 what he thought would be best for the family, his reply was for us to be away from my partner!

I also told her about my partner having been married to a police officer and gave his name, I know he suffered a similar fate, but have been unable to find him. I am sure when they contact him his response will carry a lot of weight, I believe he rose to detective.

They can also push the right buttons to find us housing and help with planning our escape.

They have placed a flag on our address regarding the situation. So I do not feel so worried about false allegations of violence anymore.

She also asked a lot of questions about BPD, so a big thank you to this board and all its members  . I would have been as lost as ever without finding this haven.

One worry left is the possibility of my partner trying to run with the children, I know S16 will not go, but concerns remain for my D.

Interestingly this eve when she came home, she was in as normal a mood as I have ever seen her. I also had a light bulb on moment, and began to associate the witch, waif etc to her behavior.

A great day!

DKK

Dkk

This is good news! Great that you found support by the police and the referral to a social support sounds good too!  |iiii